In America, we take this day as the beginning of the holiday shopping season. AKA, this is when your friendly neighborhood Macy’s turns into a freaking war zone. If you think we’re going to do it sober though, you’re severely mistaken. It’s not even midnight and people are already starting fights. For those of you that have to work this dark day, bless you. Make sure to keep your head held high and your flask filled up.
Is it even Friday yet? – Pinot Grigio
Have no fear clothing store, we will gladly leave our families and friends to work what is obviously the worst shopping day of the year. Are we a little sour about the whole situation? Maybe. That’s why we’re choosing a tart Pinot Grigio to keep us going. Special thank you to all of the stores that aren’t opening at 6 p.m. on Thursday. Drink until the clock strikes 12.
The line outside is wrapped around the store. – Merlot
The calm before the storm. How people can wait in tents for this long is beyond us, especially since it’s finally getting cold across the country. We need something not too heavy but still warming, since the arctic breeze and swarm of people are about to tackle those who aren’t hiding behind the counter. Drink until the door busters literally bust through the door.
Stuff you hid got moved. – Zinfandel
What’s the point of working in the store if you can’t get the opportunity to stash some of the good stuff in the display furniture? Say a quick prayer with a gulp of your nice Zinfandel that your favorite pair of jeans will still be there for you to buy on break. Drink until your manager doesn’t see you stash those shoes in the back.
Front door rampage. – Syrah
Did the glass on the door just crack? Elbows are being thrown, words are being said, and we think we just stepped on somebody’s hair extensions. Ew. Don’t join in on these festivities. Duck underneath a display table and hold a strong Syrah close. Drink until the police arrive.
Soccer parent just spilled their coffee on you. – Rioja
We would normally say that hot coffee burns like hell, but Black Friday has turned us into empty vessels without feeling. Instead of penalty kicking them out of the store, take a pull from an intense Rioja. Drink until your shirt stops smelling like a venti gingerbread latte.
“DON’T TOUCH THE DISPLAY” – Chardonnay
That mannequin was art. After being pampered and perfectly dressed, that display was ready for its time to shine at MOMA. RIP to the hours spent dressing that plastic doll you named Rebecca, and RIP to your sanity this morning. Chardonnay was Rebecca’s favorite wine. Pour one out for her. Drink until you find the display murderer and bring them to justice.
Face hurts from smiling. – Riesling
We may be smiling at you on the outside, but on the inside we want to scream. We’ve spent hours pretending to be happy about customers getting 80 percent off of mini-whisks and toasters and we’re now on the verge of a mental break. Thankfully, this sweet Riesling will work from the inside out. Drink until your face stops hurting — plain and simple.
Customers using young children as human shields. – Sauvignon Blanc
Seriously, this is the definition of a low blow. Bringing a young child in a stroller or a middle school nephew along to fight back the hordes of screaming shoppers is wrong. Pack a Sauvignon Blanc that is as dry as you’re going to be to these parents. Drink until the kids stop crying about being awake this early.
Sold out of that one item on super clearance. – Cabernet Sauvignon
It was bound to happen. Your store only received one shipment of that hot holiday item, and they’re all gone before 7 a.m. Prepare yourself for the multitude of angry customers asking where the hell the marked down PlayStation 4s are with a sturdy Cabernet. Drink until someone puts a sign up saying “OUT OF STOCK.”
“Can you look in the back?” – Prosecco
This calls for a celebration. Even though the store is completely stocked and the back is actually empty, we will gladly go to the back room and breath. Pop open the bubbly and bask in the free time you have to ponder all of your life choices. Drink until you have the courage to tell that customer you’re completely out of tacky christmas sweaters.
The sweater tornado. – Chenin Blanc
Please, feel free to unfold every single sweater on the display table and leave them all in a pile. This is not your teenager’s bedroom; there cannot be mounds of cashmere everywhere. A Chenin Blanc is just the wine you need to prepare yourself to reset this nightmare. Drink until an actual tornado comes through and finishes the job.
Checkout line wrapped around the store. – Malbec
You thought you could see the light at the end of the tunnel, but then realized it was just the flash from an iPhone. Selfies in line are not allowed. Between bagging, uncork some Malbec to finish out the evening. Drink until these people finally leave to go terrorize another store.
Faceplant on the couch. – Water
It’s over. You’ve survived the impossible. Skip the booze now that you’ve made it to the couch and are in the comfort of your own home. Put on a nursery rhyme and go to sleep. Drink until you remember you have to reset the store tomorrow.