Birthdays are a time for celebration, and in the VinePair office, when there’s a celebration, there’s drinking. Whether it is a dinner party or an Oscar party, we can all agree booze is always on the guest list. However, no type of party is more deserving of a little special something in your cup than the classic children’s themed birthday party.
“But what do I drink? How much should I even have on hand? WHY DID I INVITE 30 CHILDREN TO MY HOUSE??”
As to why you invited 30 children to your house, sorry, we’re not qualified to explain why you filled your house with screaming children, the same way you fill your glass of Pinot Noir. Don’t worry though—we’re here to help you and your fellow parents get through it.
Disney Princess – Champagne
Pop the bubbly and dance like the clock is about to strike midnight. The kids will be so excited about dressing up and watching Tangled so grab your champagne flutes and embrace your inner royalty. Drink until you buy a tiara on Amazon—adorable sidekick not included.
Superhero – Bourbon + Ice Cube
No, you can’t fly. But, that doesn’t mean you can’t be on cloud nine. As the children run around the backyard attempting to save the world from being destroyed, sit back with the other parents and have a casual glass of bourbon. Embrace the warming sensation of the strong drink that will caress you like a velvet glove—just like Superman. Drink until your “Spider Senses” tell you to settle down.
Zoo – Merlot
Birthday parties at the zoo are slightly problematic because it’s easy to keep kids entertained by looking at the lions from afar, but it’s also a lot of walking and there’s that distinct smell in the air. Be the responsible parent and pack lunch for all of the kids. Don’t forget to accidentally spill your bottle of grape juice and make sure not to question it when a nice Merlot suddenly appears in the container. How did that get in there? *Sips wine* Drink until you realize that giraffes are just tall horses.
Bowling – Light Macro Beer
Bowling: a true birthday classic. Nothing pairs better with bowling shoes and mediocre pizza than a cold macrobrew. Give the kids tokens for the arcade machines and make sure to pull the bumpers up so there’s no extra whining. Drink until you get a strike—bonus points for a victory dance.
Lasertag – Gin + Tonic
Whoever thought of the idea to let kids shoot each other with lasers deserves an award. With the children hyped on Mountain Dew, they will be doing barrel rolls and sprinting throughout the backlit room. A gin and tonic is the perfect drink for your glow in the dark warzone, as the tonic water will glow in the dark. I repeat, it glows in the dark. Drink until you get yelled at by a 12 year old for ‘camping’ in the corner.
Mini Golf – Spiked Iced Coffee
While it’s slightly dangerous to give a bunch of kids golf clubs—let’s be real, the rubber coated ones still hurt—who doesn’t love little windmills and the toxic blue water? No better choice for incognito al fresco drinking than a spiked Iced Coffee. Just go to Starbucks, get your coffee, pour in some of your favorite booze and nobody will question. Drink until 50% of the party intentionally putts the golf balls into the toxic lake.
Spa Day – Mimosa
The spa day is the perfect party idea because everybody wins. The kids get to feel fancy, you get to relax, and drinking is easily done. Grab some champagne flutes with orange juice for the kids and mix up a stiff Mimosa for you and some of the other parents. Drink until somebody spills nail polish on the rug.
Camping In The Yard – Box Wine
Why kids find excitement in sleeping in the backyard will always be a mystery, but it gives you a reason to eat S’mores and tell spooky stories. Fuel your wanderlust with a solid box of wine. It’s portable for the long hike between the ‘campground’ and the kitchen. Drink until the kids realize camping is excessive and want to come back inside.
Movie Party – Rum + Coke
Sure, we understand that no adult really wants to see Hotel Transylvania 2, but there’s no easier place to sneak in a spiked drink than a movie theater. Pack a flask of rum and pay more than you should for a Coke. Once the lights go down and the trailers start, pop off the lid and get the party started. Drink until you think the movie you’re watching is so good it deserves an Oscar.
Inflatable Bouncy House – Red Bull + Vodka
You’re going to need the energy to keep up with these kids. There is only one drink that will support you and the frenzy from ordering the bouncy castle. And to clarify, there is no age limit on who can participate in the activities (anyone who tells you differently is someone you don’t need in your life). Drink until the bouncy castle flies away.
Painting – Sangria
Straight, simple, to the point—a colorful party deserves a super colorful drink. Pick complementary fruits and a great recipe to transform yourself into a modern Picasso. Must make sure not to spill on your masterpiece. Drink until your face is somehow covered in paint.
Ice Cream – Mudslide
I scream, you scream, we all scream for drunken milkshakes. If you’re looking for the foolproof way to make a bunch of kids happy give them an ice cream bar they won’t forget. Don’t cheap out on the toppings and make yourself a delicious mudslide as they’re spilling chocolate syrup everywhere. Drink until you can’t say mudslide five times fast.
Barbie Party – Cosmo
Transport your child and their friends into a ‘Barbie World’ with a perfect pink mocktail Cosmopolitan in a martini glass (they’ll feel like movie stars) as you embrace your inner ‘Sex in the City’ with a real Cosmo. Drink until someone calls you basic but make sure to tell them off because nobody tells you how to live your life.
Anything Involving A Clown – Shots
Stop what you’re doing and take a shot of whatever alcohol your wrote off in college because no child deserves to be terrorized by a clown. If you seriously thought your child truly wanted a clown at their birthday party we hope you understand the error in your ways. Better get the alcohol flowing, you’re going to need it as you fuel every kid’s nightmares at the party. Drink until the children are done crying.