The Amount Of Wine You Need To Drink To Survive Every Back-To-School Parenting Situation

Long gone are the days of screaming children at the pool, camps across town, and never ending streams of “Frozen.” It’s time to ship the kids back to school, and parents around the country couldn’t be happier. But while the freedom from getting shot with a water gun may seem sweet, let’s not forget the challenges that come with the return to academia.

Because when the children go back to school, the children are not happy. And when the children aren’t happy, mommy and daddy need to reach for a bottle of wine. Here is our guide to the wine style and amount you need to consume for every dilemma you will likely encounter this school year.

When did 4th grade math homework get so hard? – Zinfandel

Math Homework

Math is not an easy subject to learn, let alone a subject that you can bullshit your way through. Just stop trying to figure out these disastrous word problems and uncork a beautiful bottle of Zinfandel. Trust us, your child will be thankful to not have a frustrated parent throwing calculators across the room.

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They still teach Geography? – Rioja

Geography is a subject?

Isn’t this what Google Maps is for? Helping your child study for their map quiz is a huge effort, especially when they didn’t mention it’s worth a massive chunk of their final grade. And while we still don’t know where the hell Benin is, we know the regions that matter the most. Rioja is the wine for you as you get lost in a map of tacky pastel colors.

“Where did they learn that word?” – Malbec

Bad language

Having to explain to your child’s fourth grade teacher where Timmy learned how to drop an F-Bomb is not a pleasant experience. Obviously, you deserve a spicy wine that’s as spicy as Timmy’s vibrant vocabulary. He must have learned it from his father. *Sips wine*

The post parent-teacher conference headache. – Syrah

Headaches of parenting.

The phrase, “we need to talk” is always a red flag in any relationship. To hear those words come out of the teacher’s mouth? Start pouring a Syrah, because you’re going to need that heavy wine to come with that heavy conversation you just had with Miss Smith. Let the wine take you away to another world where Timmy always turns in his homework on time and doesn’t shout obscenities in the classroom.

“BUT I LOVE HIM” – Pinot Noir

Love sick

Ah, young love. Your daughter may have just met ‘the one’ in Biology last week, and yes, while he may be super dreamy, their plot to run away together will soon crumble as reality sets in. Does this special someone have a job? What about a car? Do yourself a favor and let the butterflies naturally fade. Sip on a glass of liquid romance — a good Pinot Noir and be ready to comfort your daughter after her ‘bff’ Becky swoops in on the former ‘dream boat.’

Harry Potter essay complete. – Sauvignon Blanc

Harry Potter Book Report

You found out that your child has a paper he’s been putting off for two weeks and it’s due tomorrow. Grab the chilled Sauvignon Blanc you were saving for ‘Girls Night Out’ and get cracking. It’s light, dry, and the tang will keep you awake as you reminisce about college all-nighters. Never again.

Channel your mother. – Chardonnay

Channel your mother

Do you feel the deja vu? Before you shout “don’t backsass me,” uncork some Chardonnay so you can fully channel your mother and put a stop to Timmy’s growing attitude problem. Make sure you give her a call so you can relive the years you went through that grunge phase and had fire engine red hair.

*Cough* *Cough* I’m sick. – Riesling

Ferris Bueller's Day Off

A spoon full of sugar helps the medicine go down and helps parents see through the bullshit of their children. Whether you let them stay home for the “tummy-ache” or not, make sure you pour a glass of this sweet wine to keep your mental health in balance as Julie attempts to heat a thermometer to 101.5 degrees with a hair dryer.

Rushing to volleyball practice. – Merlot

Sports Practice

Win or lose, team parents are always there for support and a bag full of snacks. You need a wine like a solid Merlot that will help you put on your game face. Extra points awarded to those who sneak it inside the field via travel mug.

Why is there crayon on the wall? – Rosé

You've created a great artist.

They won’t always be this cute. Embrace the inner artist of your child and grab a colorful wine. Let the brightness of the Rosé keep your mood high as you magic erase the masterpiece off your freshly painted living room wall.

“Becky stole my boyfriend and didn’t like my Instagram photo and now I need you to drive me over to her house because we’re having a sleepover tonight.” – Cabernet Sauvignon

Teen drama is terrible.

Taking the movie “Clueless” to a whole new level, teen drama is better left to the teenagers. In fact, you shouldn’t touch it with a 39.5 foot pole. Grab the Cabernet Sauvignon because you’re going to need this heavy wine to accompany the meaty gossip your child’s going to spill when you pick her up in the morning.

“When’s dinner going to be ready? I’m hungry.” – Chianti

Make me dinner!

Stop moaning and groaning, we’re ordering a pizza. With the children subdued by melted cheese, take this time to bask in the classic Italian wine. Maybe start dreaming about escaping to the Mediterranean coast. Anything can happen.

You got a C on your P.E. exam? Really? – Pinot Grigio

Physical Education...

Yes, running a timed mile is just the worst. However, that doesn’t mean Julie gets to sit around with her friends gossiping about the new cute gym teacher. Take no prisoners. Grab a tangy Pinot Grigio and get sassy about the importance of Physical Education.

The babysitter just cancelled. – Boxed wine

Boxed wine makes for good parenting.

This couldn’t get any worse. Goodbye dinner reservations. Goodbye evening free from whining and arguing. Goodbye sanity. Take the money you were going to spend on the babysitter, snatch a box of wine, and just make lemonade out of this evening full of lemons.

The Kids are staying with Grandma. – Champagne

Pop Champagne all day.

Your mother-in-law wants the kids. Take this moment to get the teary-eyes going. Make sure you give them a big hug. Tell them you will miss them and will be counting down until they come back Sunday morning. Once the door is closed…pop some bottles. Don’t grab a glass. It’s your party, you can be a walking music video if you want to.