Halloween has a ton of perks. Free candy? Costumes? Another reason to drink? No wonder it’s one of America’s favorite holidays. However, Halloween isn’t always a night filled with treats. For those who stumble upon more tricks this Halloween, here’s your guide to imbibing through the spooky struggles of October 31st.
Forgot to buy the candy for the little devils – Sauvignon Blanc
The one downfall of living in a neighborhood means that if you don’t have candy (especially a lot of it) you become the next target to get toilet papered by some emotional trick-or-treaters. Not much you can do at this point, so uncork a light Sauvignon Blanc and hold on tight. Drink until you fully stock up on candy the day after Halloween.
Last minute costume crafting for the party – Merlot
Procrastination at its finest. Our guess is that this isn’t your first time at pulling a costume out of thin air either. Load up Pinterest and get a simple Merlot ready because it’s time to DIY and keep it as simple as possible— maybe a bottle of wine? Drink until you craft a pristine boxed wine costume.
Someone stole your costume…and wore it better – Pinot Grigio
Oh, HELL no. First, there can only be ONE denim-on-denim Britney Spears at this party. Second, it’s bad enough someone stole your genius costume idea, but for them to wear it better is just wrong. Stop dancing to the “Monster Mash” and get sassy with a tangy Pinot Grigio. Drink until you accidentally spill that red punch on your evil twin.
The scary movie marathon from hell – Cabernet Sauvignon
No Jason. No Freddy. No creepy puppet from Saw. Skip the terrifying flicks that you never really wanted to watch in the first place and cuddle with a Cabernet Sauvignon. Your friends may mock you, but a heavy pour of this vino is better than trying to make it through “Sinister” sober. Drink until you’re hiding under the blanket crying.
Little Susie tripped running down the hill and ripped her costume – Chardonnay
Looks like Tinkerbell lost her wings. Yes, there will be crying. Chardonnay will help you get your mind off of the actual nightmare on Elm St. Drink until you forget how much those fairy wings cost.
House down the street is giving out full-sized candy bars – Malbec
Cheers to the try-hards making everyone else look bad. No, you will never hear the end of Shelley from down the street passing out king-sized Hershey bars, so get some peppery wine to balance the salt you feel towards her. Drink until you realize how much money you saved by staying true to fun-sized candy.
Billy got raisins instead of candy – Riesling
This is just the absolute worst. Obviously, Billy is not going to be a happy camper since he didn’t get any candy, but we both know that you were planning on stealing some of his candy after he went to bed. Supplement the lack of quality sugar with a perfectly sweet Riesling. Drink until the world finally realizes that raisins are not an acceptable Halloween treat.
Surrounded by tacky pun costumes – Champagne
The classic Halloween cop out. Basically an excuse to wear a t-shirt with something painted on it, the pun costume is a recipe for constant cringing. These people at the party should have left the dad jokes at home. Save yourself and pour out a glass of Champagne to class up this rough experience. Drink until “ceiling fan” is actually funny.
Group of teenagers that refuse to grow up ring your doorbell – Zinfandel
Hooligans. They’re all hooligans. There’s always that one group of teenagers that will come around the neighborhood trying to convince you that they’re not 17-years-old and that it’s socially acceptable for them to be trick-or-treating. Don’t enable them. Halloween is reserved for young children craving chocolate and adults looking to quench their thirst of booze. Drink until they steal your entire bowl of candy.
Billy and Susie are fighting over who gets the Reese’s – Pinot Noir
If this hasn’t happened at your kitchen table as your children have gone through the candy, we’re surprised. Billy and Susie will use stronger negotiation tactics than executives on Wall Street and nobody will truly leave this table happy. Share some love and sip on a nice Pinot Noir. Drink until you get the courage to make them share the wealth.
A bunch of kids egged the house – Red Bordeaux
Why people still manage to do this escapes us. If your house becomes the target of a dozen eggs, please accept our condolences. Don’t let this outdated act of vandalism ruin your Halloween. It’s time to grab that special Bordeaux you were saving and enjoy the rest of the night while you can. Drink until the morning sun makes scrambled eggs on your siding.
Guy with a chainsaw scares little Susie – Syrah
Some people take this holiday a little too seriously. It’s bad enough that we have kids running around with fake knives and those freaky “Scream” masks with the fake blood in them. Sure, it’s all fun and games, but now Mr. Chainsaw has fueled Susie’s nightmares for the next twelve years. Get out the powerful Syrah to fuel your rant that will make Mr. Chainsaw think twice about scaring little children who really just want a pack of Starburst. Drink until your shouting scares Mr. Chainsaw.
