OK, so we’ve done a couple of pairings for Halloween already. And while not all of us are gonna try to pair our favorite Halloween candy with the right wine (not sure Good n’ Plenty goes with anything, anyway), we’ll all probably catch at least one scary move this season. So we figured why not do the ultimate pairing—classic horror movies and booze, since that’s what we’ll need to feel less afraid after we turn the movie off and realize everything is suddenly far…too…quiet….
By “horror movies” we aren’t talking all ultra-terrifying fright fests. In fact, there’ll be some straight-up kid entertainment in here, but they’re classic, and at least at some point were fairly terrifying. Of course, now we can drink, so we’re braver.
**Spoiler alert—there’ll be spoilers.
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Never have Nebraska corn fields seemed so evil. Torn between a buttery Chardonnay (the kind that can taste like corn on the cob, horrifying in and of itself) and corn-whiskey moonshine, we opted for the latter. Cuz this is some rough stuff.
(Fun fact: the movie comes from a short story by, of course, Stephen King, first published in Penthouse.)
Jamie Lee Curtis’s big breakout role, and something to deter many of us from babysitting, ever. Since Jamie Lee’s character (presumably) survives due to her purity, we’re going with spring water here. Fair trade, ethically sourced, alkalinized, if possible.
Jamie Lee wasn’t the first in her family to do an iconic horror movie. Anyone who saw it remembers Janet Leigh’s fateful shower at the Bates Motel (we assume it wouldn’t get great Yelp reviews). We recommend going cask strength, ‘cuz if it’s our last drink, let’s make it high-test. (P.S. in the book, Norman apparently drinks himself into unconsciousness before re-emerging as—spoiler alert—“Mother.”)
Carrie – California Cabernet Sauvignon
No, not talking about the terrible, horrible, no good very bad remakes. We’re talking all Spacek, all day. The obvious choice here is (spoiler alert) something as inky and red as the pig’s blood that pretty much ruined everyone’s prom night. A California Cab works, also helps us cope with the hefty dry cleaning bill.
A bit more contemporary, though maybe now a “classic” for Millennials? We figure we’d go with a sparkling wine, because it’s deceptively fun (like Matthew Lillard’s character) but can do serious damage (like Matthew Lillard’s character). Also, apparently it pairs well with popcorn, honoring the iconic—super brief—Drew Barrymore intro scene. (She dies, y’all.)
Apparently in the latest installment, we get to see the “ghost dimension.” But the fun (if we can call it that) of the movie is stuff just happening by itself. We say White Zinfandel—bear with us—because anyone who’s had an evil ghost following her for decades probably just needs to tuck into a bottle of something stupid. Also it’s the leading cause of standing creepily by your boyfriend’s bed.
We need a little bit of fun here, right? Like horse-toothed witch Bette Midler type fun. We went for something ultra-aged on this one, at least in booze terms, to honor Binx’s long wait for freedom (from his cat form, get educated, people). Props for one of the best closing lines in history, after Casablanca. “I had to wait 300 years for a virgin to light a candle.”
A Nightmare on Elm Street – Absinthe (alt. Black Coffee)
Nobody believes the teens when they tell them a killer is stalking them in their dreams. Why not honor that with Absinthe, the so-called “Green Fairy” (incorrectly) accused of causing hallucinations. Clear alternate, black coffee, because—stay awake, guys.
The movie that made us all think twice about being alone with our Cabbage Patch Kids and Rainbrow Brites. Obviously something young and playful like Vinho Verde, which can lay you out if you’re not careful. Alternately orange wine, cuz, well, that hair. Either way something lively—since Chucky doesn’t need batteries.
Since Hostel is basically about rich people making anatomical playthings of poor college students looking to explore the world (and how dare they), something extravagant and annoying, like 15 Liters of Champagne.
Those crazy tykes in Village of the Damned have a certain (blood curdling) Nordic beauty to them, so we figured Aquavit, the caraway- or dill-flavored spirit favored in Scandinavia. Bonus points that some Aquavits turn out gold-colored, kind of like the glowing eyes of those unnervingly calm kids.
One more quirky scary movie, just to help us chill out a bit…Plus, well, a classic (fully deserving of its MC Hammer tribute). We went with gin, as dry as Wednesday Addam’s, (potentially) as layered as the identity of Uncle Fester, and (ideally) as intoxicating as the romance between Morticia and Gomez.
Hmmm. You have seven days. What the hell do you want to drink? There are plenty of things that could make those seven days go by a bit smoother, but why not honor the Japanese original—Ringu—with (ideally) quality sake. At around 15 to 20%ABV, you may just have your wits about you to convince somebody else to watch that tape.
Clearly the temptation is to go for something green and chunky, but there’s not a lot of booze that looks like that, and if there is, we don’t wanna know about it. Instead we’re going with church wine, ideally something blessed, since, yeah, we could use all the help we can get here.