In the annals of “this is what you do, this is what you are,” most all of it’s dismissible nonsense. When someone comes up to you and tells you that because you’re a Scorpio you should eat more protein, you can just shake your head and walk away. But there are some truths to personality and consumption.
You know, the person in your life who says they will “absolutely die” if they don’t have X (pizza, truffle-infused ice water, Go-Gurt, etc.). Or people who show up at the tailgate with a half-drunk beer keg. Or most of the Real Housewives, who apparently cannot have a lunchtime-hour conversation over an incredibly expensive marble counter without a glass of white wine (and a secret …).
Not that all consumption choices align with stereotypes. We all love French fries, mostly, and pretty much no one can deny that raisins are indeed nature’s candy. But sometimes, like when you’re “going out,” what you drink can indicate why you’re there. And, quite possibly, what you’ll end up doing by night’s end. (Karaoke. Street fight. Ill-advised street vigilantism. You get it.)
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So, we picked a few basic category drinks that could help guide you through what your drink choice might suggest about your future night out. Also because we think it’s funny. And we may be entirely wrong, because we drank like, 11 Micheladas last night. They’re packed full of Vitamin C from the lime juice, fyi. (See, we’re “in denial drinkers.”)
Shot and a Beer.
You’re in for the long haul. You’re definitely not at a club, because nobody wants to pay $11 for the Bud that goes along with a shot of Jameson. And you probably don’t wanna talk about work. You might cue up some freaky Tom Waits on the jukebox. On the other hand, three Boiler Makers in, it might switch to Beyoncé. You brood, but not that hard.
You probably get confused with Shot and a Beer guy/gal, but you’re not there for bubbles. There shall be no Bud Light in your hand tonight. You’re sitting, thinking, and then chucking out incredibly incisive (and eventually slurred) witticisms. Or, you’re entirely new to going out and you went too hard, too fast, and now you’re passed out. Either way, you don’t want to talk about T. Swift and Tom Hiddleston while imbibing.
This one’s tricky. You’re either a veteran, ordering a pink drink in a Martini glass because it’s delicious, or you’re a noob, working your way into the “night out/drinks up” world with a panicked choice when you realized you had to plow with four-inch heels through a three-deep bar set to finally get the bartender’s attention. You may “Woo” tonight, but for all the right reasons.
If you’re at a Champagne lounge, you may well be on the prowl, in which case watch out for pretty much everyone else on the prowl. Or you’re just somewhere where you can rely on (clean) velvet couches and ridiculously dark lighting. If you’re ordering Champagne anywhere else, it just means you want to laugh tonight, since bubbles maybe get you a bit giddy. We’re also including Cava and Prosecco here, and we’re definitely also assuming that if you have too much you’re going to either start bitching about or trying to fan-smooch Adele via social media. Or both.
You’re either having the best time of your life or the worst. Because anything that comes out of a frozen drinks machine is either intended to celebrate the fact that taxes are paid, cavities are filled, and baes are loved and love back — or the fact that everything in life is pretty much the opposite of that. (Don’t worry, we’ve all been there.) Whatever flack it may get from the insanely quiet sophisticated cocktail crowd, the Frozen Drinks Dispenser, or FDD as we like to imagine its Star Wars name, is a friend to all in need. Just a heads up, happy or sad, you WILL end up crying if you spend too much time with these drinks.
The Old Fashioned, or basically any classic cocktail drink, means you’re looking for an interesting night. OR you’re trying to impress a date. (Don’t worry, none of us have gone on a date and ordered shots immediately, except for most of our friends who are now happily married.) Classic drinks probably mean you’re a smooth partier, looking to sip well and slowly, without the sour mix or Sprite. Of course, they might also mean you’re in a high-priced (but meticulously handled) cocktail “den,” in which case you’re intentionally overspending for a quieter vibe. Which is worth the price once you’ve been at too many loud bars where some amorous couple stumbled their unstoppable love right into you and your delicious Negroni.
All night long, craft beer is a hefty move. It’ll cost you, but on the other hand there’s a solid chance you’re going higher ABV as the night goes on, and you’re drinking more regularly than folks going from Cabernet to Merlot and back. By double IPA No. 3, you’re buying for your buddy, who wants something insane like a Coors Light (hey, CrossFit, dude). By Imperial Stout time or, God forbid, random but delicious Gueuze-o-clock, you’re forcing a Brett beer on someone who just told you the tragic story of their dog’s recent fungal toenail infection.
Oh, wait, here’s the exception. The Martini is absolutely a classic cocktail, but it can be consumed under various circumstances, including the notorious — for a reason — hree-Martini-lunch (seriously, been there, don’t do it). It is a classic but for some reason it also still has the gloss/goop of ‘80s power suits and James Bond (he got it wrong, btw). You’re a great drinker if you drink a Martini, no doubt, and drink it however you like it, despite what we just said. Just take it easy. They’re clear, they go down fast, and a Martini drinker by night’s end is typically the one doing an expository, unasked-for speech on generation gaps and the Internet.
Girl/guy, you wine all the time. You could be in a craft cocktail bar where people actually dress like the ghosts of the earliest cocktailians, and you’re ordering a (lively, minerally) Sauvignon Blanc. Wine is your drink, and you know what’s gonna flow out as the wine flows in. Our guess is you pace yourself — until you don’t. The wine, at some point, probably takes over. At which point you sort of want to request a straw (no shame) but you probably won’t because it’s nice and dark and you can kick back with your Merlot and dream of Netflix and pizza when you get home.