It’s a casual evening. You’re at the bar, having some nice drinks with your friends. Just you and your best buds sitting in a booth talking about Pokemon Go! and the boozy milkshakes you had at the barbecue last weekend. There’s some music in the background, but you’re only catching bits and pieces of it between the rest of the bar noise. But in this exact moment, you catch the opening riff of your favorite song and right then, everything changes.
Your whole squad’s faces light up as the world slows down around your group’s table. Before you know it, the only thing that can come out of everybody’s mouths is a slightly shrieking “WOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” It’s like a reflex that takes you from a soft “3” on the intensity scale to a “12.”
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Dive bars, nightclubs, yacht clubs and even the Chili’s down the street constantly fall victim to being assaulted by Woo Girls.
But don’t get it twisted, men are not immune to being Woo Girls. In fact, I would argue that male Woo Girls are often more obnoxious than even the worst female Woo Girls. It’s just the way things are.
I also have a confession to make, I’m a Woo Girl. I’ve been tormenting bars, restaurants, music festivals, even my local Starbucks for years and it’s something I can’t control — I just woo. But let’s face it, it’s okay to get excited over the biggest and smallest things. That’s what life is all about. I’ve taken the time to recognize the woo guidelines, and today, I’m here to share them with you so we can all woo responsibly.
What We’re Wooing Over: It’s YOUR song. You know, the one that you and your friends used to pre-game with in college so you know every word.
Quantity of Woos: Two woos. One at the beginning of the song, one at the end. If there’s a dance break you’re allowed a half-woo.
When You’ve Crossed The Line: How many songs can really be “your song.” You get to woo over two songs max during your time at this bar.
The Birthday Crown
What We’re Wooing Over: It truly doesn’t matter if it’s your birthday, your best friend’s birthday, or some rando you met in the bathroom’s birthday. If there’s a crown on, it’s time to woo.
Quantity of Woos: I’d say three woo’s, but if shots appear you must woo accordingly.
When You’ve Crossed The Line: This is a tricky one as it truly depends on how much we care about the guest of honor and how much of a birthday bitch (we all know what I’m talking about here) they’ve been all night long.
The Birthday Twin
What We’re Wooing Over: It’s woo-worthy enough to freak out over your birthday, but now you’ve stumbled upon a birthday twin at the bar who is also rocking that crown you bought on Amazon. This isn’t a coincidence, this is FATE.
Quantity of Woos: At least six woo’s to really take advantage of this moment.
When You’ve Crossed The Line: If one of the birthday twins is over-wooing the other, it’s time to turn down.
The Wedding Bells
What We’re Wooing Over: Somebody’s getting hitched, so of course we’re going to woo over this. Whether it’s the bachelor/bachelorette party, the rehearsal, or dare I say the reception , woos will be shouted towards the heavens.
Quantity of Woos: However many the bride says so.
When You’ve Crossed The Line: If people start pointing you out as the obnoxious wedding party guest it might be time to respect your surroundings and shut your wooing mouth.
The New Job
What We’re Wooing Over: You are FINALLY getting the chance to work in the field you’ve always dreamed of. That liberal arts degree isn’t worthless after all!
Quantity of Woos: One good woo to celebrate being able to chip away at your student loan debt and pay rent at the same time.
When You’ve Crossed The Line: Once you start humble bragging to the bar through woos you have to cut it out. We get it, you’re employed.
The Pay Day
What We’re Wooing Over: Is it raining money, or is it just my imagination? Pay day has arrived, so of course we’re going to be responsible adults and blow it all on a bunch of okay cocktails.
Quantity of Woos: One woo per purchase, up to three woos.
When You’ve Crossed The Line: If the bartender calls you out for your shrieking, go home.
The Squad Walks In
What We’re Wooing Over: Your friends are here striking their power poses and it’s time to take over this establishment. Look out everybody, the woo squad has arrived.
Quantity of Woos: One extremely loud woo that is amplified by your squad’s harmony.
When You’ve Crossed The Line: When other squads start giving you the eyes, it’s best to refrain. Only you can prevent squad wars.
The Acknowledgement Of Other Woo Girls
What We’re Wooing Over: In this exact moment, time freezes. When you meet other Woo Girls, it’s like meeting someone from your hometown. You may have never met them before, but there is an instant bond that just makes you woo.
Quantity of Woos: When two groups of Woo Girls meet, it’s a call and response situation so the quantity truly depends on the aura of the situation.
When You’ve Crossed The Line: If you’ve had six consecutive woos with these other Woo Girls you need to stop. Just stop.
The Free Drinks Appear
What We’re Wooing Over: Turns out your horoscope was totally right. Good sh*t is coming your way and this night couldn’t get any better than a free drink basically landing right in your lap.
Quantity of Woos: One woo when they appear, one woo when they’re finished.
When You’ve Crossed The Line: There is no line. The drinks were free. WOOOOO!
What We’re Wooing Over: Somebody finally cut the cord with a — horrible — significant other. This calls for a celebration.
Quantity of Woos: One woo for every six -month period they were together.
When You’ve Crossed The Line: Once woos are being used to hide the other emotions that come with a breakup, it’s time to Uber home.
The First Sighting of Your Ex’s New Lover And They Ain’t Sh*t
What We’re Wooing Over: Not only did we finally break up with the worst person ever, but after some light Instagram scrolling we’ve discovered the new bae isn’t nearly as attractive or smart, and has a horrible taste in music.
Quantity of Woos: One woo for every picture they have together since you broke up with your ex.
When You’ve Crossed The Line: If your woos are just verbal attacks on this new person, take it down a notch because it’s the ex that’s the problem. Don’t be petty.
The Friend Who Never Hangs Shows Up
What We’re Wooing Over: Wait, what do you mean the one friend who is always watching Netflix at home is joining us on this outing? At this rate we should go search for Bigfoot because the odds are so ever in our favor tonight.
Quantity of Woos: Woo until the friend who never hangs out woos at the top of her or his lungs.
When You’ve Crossed The Line: If you keep attempting to peer pressure your friend into wooing to no avail, keep trying because it’s time to join the fun. No line to cross here.
The Throwback Jam
What We’re Wooing Over: Tonight, we’re wooing over the classics. Think Journey, Missy Elliott, ABBA and more. It’s similar to when your song comes on, but instead, the entire bar woos in unison.
Quantity of Woos: Once in the beginning, once in the end, no exceptions.
When You’ve Crossed The Line: If you’re over-wooing the song, please remember you’re totally killing the moment for everyone else.
The Moment You Rally
What We’re Wooing Over: Honestly, we thought we were all down for the count. But just like a phoenix rising from the ashes, this squad still has a little bit more wooing in them.
Quantity of Woos: Two woos max. Save your energy for greater things.
When You’ve Crossed The Line: You’re not an extreme fighter who’s holding down the octagon. You’re just a person who refuses to tap out and go home. Get up, get your stuff, and get over yourself.
The Cute Photo Finally Happens
What We’re Wooing Over: It’s like Leonardo da Vinci trying to paint the damn Mona Lisa. Between trying to get the whole squad in the photo, the lighting just right, and don’t even get me started on everyone’s eyes being open — getting a photo to capture this night out is practically impossible. Only when it’s a success do we truly believe in miracles.
Quantity of Woos: One extremely loud woo from the entire group in unison.
When You’ve Crossed The Line: If anybody has to woo more than once over a picture, they won’t be getting a copy sent.
The Post-Imbibing Pizza
What We’re Wooing Over: Pizza never tastes better than after a few drinks.
Quantity of Woos: It is customary to woo once the food arrives in your hands. This way, the chef knows you appreciate the hard work.
When You’ve Crossed The Line: Please keep in mind the other patrons around you in this pizza joint. If you’re being obnoxious, you’re basically begging for a one-way ticket outside the restaurant and your pizza to be confiscated. Don’t be that Woo Girl.
The Free Uber Ride
What We’re Wooing Over: Not only do we not have to drive home, but thanks to Shelley finally signing up for Uber we don’t even have to pay for this. THIS NIGHT COULD NOT GET BETTER.
Quantity of Woos: Definitely woo when the car arrives because you just avoided some major surge pricing.
When You’ve Crossed The Line: Please for the love of all that is good don’t woo in your Uber. No Uber driver deserves that.