Boozy Brunch. A gift from above. This activity, no, this art is a Sunday ritual for many across the nation. No matter where you brunch, there are still the similar stages we all experience while getting a little too tipsy on mimosas. And we’re not sorry.
Stage 1: The Haze
What to drink: Pedialyte. Lots of it.
Saturday was definitely lit, but now you’re paying the price. The sun is so bright. The noise of the cars driving past your apartment is booming. Your head is throbbing and you can’t explain why you’re still wearing your shoes from last night and how you managed to receive 37 texts from a guy named John. There is only one cure for these ailments and that’s embracing a boozy brunch.
Stage 2: The Shower
What to drink: Water mixed with vodka.
You cannot roll up to brunch covered in bar-tar and smelling like last night’s poor decisions. It’s important that you get your sh*t together and take a damn shower. Take this opportunity to kickstart your drinking while balancing hydration.
Stage 3: The Uber
What to drink: Coffee (booze optional)
We all know that driving is not an option for what’s about to happen. Stop by a Starbucks on the way and get an iced coffee to turn you into a normal human. Bonus points if you spike it with some amaretto.
Stage 4: The Pregame
What to drink: Bloody Mary
Obviously, you don’t have reservations for this brunch hotspot that is totally too hip for your own good. Waiting for a table presents the best time to snatch a cocktail from the bar and listen to the people at the other tables reflecting on the nonsense that went down last night.
Stage 5: The Sit-Down
What to drink: Arnold Palmer spiked by your flask
By the grace of God you and your squad managed to get a table outside on the patio. Perfect lighting for your Instagram pics. You swear your super cute server is your guardian angel bringing you an iced tea. Just like you did during your visits home in college, you slide out your flask once they turn around and pour like you’ve never poured before. #ClassyAF
Stage 6: The First Sip
What to drink: Something bottomless
Bottomless mimosas? That sounds like a challenge if you ask me. This is when you drink at a lightning quick pace in order to get your money’s worth. Plus you get ultimate bragging rights among your group of friends.
Stage 7: The Food
What to drink: Whatever goes well with this damn good hollandaise
The guardian angel server is back, but this time they brought the holy grail. Eggs Benedict, bacon, waffles, more bacon…sorry we got lost. Enjoy the best meal of the day and take this opportunity to fill your stomach with something other than alcohol.
Stage 8: The Bottom of Bottomless
What to drink: What you’ve been powering through for the past 45 minutes
At this point in the meal, we’re in very deep in the bottomless cocktails. Did we lose count? Maybe. Do we actually give a f**k? Hell no. *clink* *clink*
Stage 8.5: The Bottom of Bottomless, Continued
Stage 9: The Woooo!
What to drink: Shots you really don’t need
The food may be gone, but the buzz is here to stay. In fact, the buzz should probably pack up its things and GTFO because you and the squad are starting to make a scene on the porch of this nice establishment. To answer your questions, no, your server does not appreciate you flirting with them and no, they will not be a part of your group selfie.
Stage 10: The Check
What to drink: Your sorrows
It was all fun and games until your wallet gets hurt. Seriously, your wallet is slaughtered after a brunch in which you managed to buy some eggs and enough liquor to knock out a horse. Let the post-purchase depression sink in as you savor your tear-soaked mimosa.
Stage 11: The To-Go Cup
What to drink: Chug your Arnold Palmer and fill it up with a mimosa.
Can we get a final refill? After your card was approved (thankfully), it’s time to take in the last moments of your excursion to Sunday Brunch. This is also the stage where you get a to-go cup and swap your iced tea out for your final bottomless drink refill. Reap the rewards of your efforts.
Stage 12: The Nap
What to drink: Sweet dreams of sugar plum cocktails
Sunday Funday has slowly come to a close and it’s time to go to sleep. Nobody should be expected to function after drinking non-stop for nearly four hours. Don’t let your friends tell you differently — it’s nap time.
