What you drink in a football stadium is likely to be some heavily marked-up macro-lager. But what about the teams themselves? They have mascots—though if we never have to see Viktor or Captain Fear again, it’ll be too soon—but what about liquid mascots? If each team were an alcoholic drink, what would they be?
Denver Broncos – Old Fashioned
Their current AFC West standings have them in 2nd place, but classic gentleman Quarterback Peyton Manning suggests a Bourbon-based cocktail, maybe an Old Fashioned. A mature drink, yes, but a classic—which can still be a winner.
Philadelphia Eagles – Prison Wine
Congratulations, The Linc has the most expensive beer in the NFL, which might actually be on purpose – let’s not forget your old stadium used to have a prison, which is why you should be drinking prison wine, you rowdy bastards.
Miami Dolphins – Landshark Lager
Let’s never forget that for a moment in time your stadium was named after a Parrot Head…at least we hope the place has enjoyable cheeseburgers (in paradise), since the quality of play isn’t anything to dolphin squeal about.
Carolina Panthers – Jim Beam
No one else in your division was that good last year. So you’re acceptable, just like a bottle of Jim Beam on the back bar. Also, damn Cam Newton…Yeah….
Green Bay Packers – Milk Punch
Lambeau. Frozen Tundra. Fans who intentionally put wedges of cheese on their heads as a sign of loyalty. Plus Aaron Rodgers’ eerily dreamy eyes. Approachable but intense, a little in your face, like a tequila shot, with lime and lemon (green and yellow). (Dairy alternative: a Milk Punch, since we assume that’s what a Packers fan would give you if you cursed them out.)
Kansas City Chiefs – Near Beer
Efficient passing by Alex Smith, yes, but about as far as three yards in the air. Hence, drink it down, you’re a beer that’s 3.2% in alcohol and also happens to come from Utah, where Mr. Smith played college football.
Cincinnati Bengals – Killian’s Irish Red
Andy Dalton is flagrantly, unapologetically ginger. Commiserate with and/or respect him with Killian’s Irish Red.
Buffalo Bills – Sex On The Beach
Rex Ryan has a tattoo of his wife in a Mark Sanchez jersey. No drink better for a team run by Sexy Rexy than Sex on the Beach.
San Francisco 49ers – Juicy Tiki Drink
Four lost players (including strong man Frank Gore, bringing his tunneling abilities to the Colts), plus a lost coach, plus a slightly too hot-shot (but still fairly hot, and his Instagram account knows it) Kaepernick at QB. Maybe a flashy, promising cocktail that could use a bit more of the hard stuff, like a mixer-heavy Tiki drink. (Alternately, maybe a formerly reliable red wine that may need a couple years to lay down and meld before it really shines.)
Seattle Seahawks – Small Batch Kentucky Bourbon
Pete Carroll’s ridiculous play call at the end of last year’s Super Bowl , plus the terrifically annoying “12th Man” phenomenon, but then there’s Russell Wilson—super-talented QB, dating Ciara, and instead of just riding in choppers all day and, well, dating Ciara, he still makes a priority of charity work (seriously, look at all of this). We’re thinking something wholesome, apparently modest, but strong, like a super small batch Kentucky bourbon.
Indianapolis Colts – Root Beer
Because Colt 45 would be too easy, plus there’s a chance your owner would be better off with root beer, generally.
Baltimore Ravens – Natty Bo
Some things only take off in Baltimore, like this odd beer, and the defense of Ray Lewis.
New England Patriots – Iced Tea
Okay, beyond Deflategate, you have to admit the Patriots have a substantially impressive winning record. Oh wait, you don’t—looks like there’s evidence of years of systematic cheating! OK. So they seem strong, but they’re actually pretty weak, buoyed up by some fakery – maybe it’s like the iced tea they use in movies to look like a strong drink, when in fact it isn’t? Because, you know. Cheating.
Dallas Cowboys – Budweiser
America’s Team. The 90’s Team. Also one of the richest but (recently) least interesting cultural icons in America. Like…Budweiser? (Think about it, “King of Beers,” “America’s Team.” They both like hyperbole.)
Minnesota Vikings – Mead
Actual Vikings would drink mead, and possibly the blood of the conquered. Stick to mead, though, and try to maybe morph into a slightly more anciently terrifying team?
Houston Texans – Tito’s Vodka
The fact that J.J. Watt looks like a cross between the Übermensch and a Ken Doll mystifies us. But we can basically qualify the Texans as Texas’ “pseudo-team,” as legit as Tito’s “handmade” vodka.
Chicago Bears – Labatt Blue
The Bears had a rough year last year (ahem, 5-11), but they did recently experiment with an imported Canadian coach, so maybe some Labatt?
New York Jets – Low-Range Vodka
The Jets QB got punched out over money. Truly, like a night at a dive bar, a Jets season kind of starts out with desperate hope, but as the night lingers on, talent leaves, and the mood gets more desperate, and that’s when heads start to hang low (maybe that’s how we got the infamous “butt fumble”). So something that starts out promising, but gets harder to swallow over the course of the night, and after too much begins toxifying your insides. Low-range vodka.
Atlanta Falcons – Boilermaker
“Matty Ice” rhymes so well with “Natty Ice,” also the fact that a couple of previous seasons were extremely thin and gross-tasting. But wide receiver Julio Jones (earning some of that new $47 million contract, it seems) may upgrade the Falcons from Natty to a macro beer plus a shot? A boilermaker?
Cleveland Browns – Fireball
Since Johnny Manziel bought Miller and Fireball shots after being drafted, Fireball. It promises a lot, but you’re not at all sure where the night will take you.
Redskins – Pabst Blue Ribbon
Since you’re basically in need of rebranding, but weirdly reluctant, look to PBR, who makes a lot more money in China. Also, maybe a name change?
Arizona Cardinals – White Zinfandel
You play in a state full of retirees, which means the only wine that will do is cloyingly sweet White Zinfandel. Drink it at the next pre-game bridge game.
San Diego Chargers – Craft Beer
Your team is heading to L.A. But in the tradition of Chargers denial, embrace the fact that you’re at least currently the best craft beer town in the country.
Pittsburgh Steelers – A Well Protected Drink
Big Ben might be reformed, but we still wouldn’t leave that drink unattended if we were you.
Oakland Raiders – Everclear
A bottle of Everclear, to consign you to your own personal “Black Hole”?
St. Louis Rams – Budweiser
Another team headed to L.A., whether you like it or not…at least you can console yourself with the “King of Beers” and take solace in the fact that your team’s new fans will be rooting you on with all the power of kale colonics.
Detroit Lions – Vodka
Detroit can’t be anything but strong, though it’s sold a bit cheaply, so maybe vodka. It can change your life, after all.
New Orleans Saints – Sazerac
Drew Brees seems like a Beaver-esque sweetheart, but NOLA is officially Hurricane and Sazerac territory—which means a lot of boozy strength to live up to, and that may be a stretch.
Tennessee Titans – Jack Daniel’s
It’s sad that the most important thing coming out of Tennessee at the moment is Jack Daniel’s. But maybe the Titans can shove their way into relevance after a few sips?
New York Giants – Long Island Iced Tea
Eli Manning looks like an over-served 10-year-old. It also helps that he’s overpaid. Long Island Iced Teas reign supreme here; they’re way too expensive but they end up making you feel terrible.
Jacksonville Jaguars – Sex Panther
With a 3 in 13 record in 2014, we recommend they drink Sex Panther, straight up. Yes it smells like a used diaper filled with Indian food. But it shall make you awesome.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Captain Morgan
They’re pirate-themed, and their team mascot is Captain Fear (also your QB stole crab legs from a Publix). They fully deserve Captain Morgan.