Remember that time you wrote a letter to Jonathan Taylor Thomas, aka “JTT,” basically describing to him how, like, if you guys were just able to meet one time, you would realize you were absolutely made for each other and definitely get married and then make out a lot? (Because at that point in your life, that’s pretty much what you thought marriage was. And here’s hopin…)
Yes, the childhood crush. A touching, and beautifully deluded, love story for the ages. Because one thing that adolescent romantic angst absolutely brings out in is rationality and reasonable expectations. Or wait, no, the exact opposite.
Not that we’re bashing the childhood crush. It’s a special thing. A right of passage. Your first flirtation with, well, the idea—since it’s all a mental construction—of flirting. In fact, we’re celebrating the childhood crush, specifically exploring the psychology of what your childhood crush says you should be drinking. And no, we don’t mean drinking by the fireplace as you wait in somber solitude for that reply from JTT. (It’s coming. I swear.)
*Crushes are age-distributed. Some of you might have had a crush on Julia Louis Dreyfuss—who doesn’t?—and some might be crushin’ on T Swift—again, who doesn’t? There are plenty we missed. Feel free to debate with your friends, or us, or just, if you see JTT, let him know I say hi.
If you were a Winnie Ninnie (that’s our term, learn it, love it), you like sweetheart-next-door-clear-skinned-secret-math-genius type gals. Something straightforward, but secretly complex: Pale Ale.
Jonathan Taylor Thomas
The middle child of Tim the Tool Man Taylor, Simba, and unwitting heartthrob of a million preteen girls. If you were a fan of JTT, you drink Jager Then Tequila. (Get it?) And then, yes, write him a letter.
Scientology or not (actually, yeah, what’s the status on that?) Will Smith has always been fun, charming, like the cool older brother who wouldn’t necessarily buy you beer, but make you laugh as if you’d had a bunch of beer. You love the Fresh Prince, you drink a Mimosa. And then shoot some b-ball outside of the school.
Early Efronites were entranced by his High School Musical years. Then a whole bunch of new fans showed up when they saw him shirtless in Neighbors (he dances in Neighbors II). All American boy gone sensual? That’s a bourbon Old Fashioned. Enough to give you the courage to Tweet at him. Or attempt to get abs.
The OG Zack, leader of The Zack Attack, a guy who could literally make time stand still (and according to his recent looks, he’s still doing it). This is Zima country—a giddy, fun-lovin’ classic that absolutely needs to be brought back. Ideally with that phone.
The ravishing dark hair, the sweetly “come hither” smile, the ability to break into song at any minute (OK, that part is just goddam annoying). If you’re crushin’ on LM, you’re good with broad, loud beauty—meaning sip on a big fat tumbler of Scotch. (Surprised, right?)
Another OG crush, not sure if it became more intense after the haircut, but lady’s lookin’ good, especially after a totally overpublicized divorce. Pretty sure J-A wants to hang out with you, sip on a nice Champagne Cocktail, and tell horrifying stories about David Schwimmer.
Yep, no way this wouldn’t be on the list. You dress up like a naughty school girl, you’re bound to get a few admirers (or so I read in the Bible). You love Brits and she loves her snake-as-scarves, so enjoy some Habushu.
We know the actress has a name, and presumably a life beyond “Topanga,” but that’s one of the most iconic, quirky, kissable characters in TGIF history. Earthy, unpredictable, probably a big fan of probiotics. Yeah, you chuggin’ some Kombucha with T.
Neil Patrick Harris
Whether you fell in love with him as a child doctor (and by god, who would consent to receiving medical aid from someone who can’t even rent a car?) or as Barney from HIMYM, either way, he’s vivacious, lovable, and a showman to the end. A Champagne cocktail, or, alternately, a Flaming Homer because it has fire and “Non Narkotic Kough Syrup,” so it impresses while it makes you feel better. Like NPH.
Extremely hesitant to put this on the list, as dudes have been creepy about Hermione since, like, wayyyy too early. But she is sort of grown now, and quietly embracing her femininity. Something mature, but classy. A Kir Royale.
The child star who was forced into a fantasy world and the early, corrupted adulthood of young stardom. You’re a Potter fan, chances are you loves you some Quidditch, and butter beer is your beverage of choice. Unless, that is, a handsome young British dude points a stick and shouts “Expecto Patronum!” at you. In which case, Patron. Shots all around. Even for Severus.
Not sure how it’s possible to not crush on a brooding, perpetually shirtless, soulful werewolf. The woods, nature, shirtlessness—you’re drinking Tennessee Whiskey straight out of the bottle. And writing a poem about those Lautner abs. (That’s a thing, BTW, you can request it from your personal trainer.)
A lot of people think JT did his best work with 98 Degrees. Or NYSNC. Or the ASPCA, whatever it was. Incorrect. Here is his best work, and it means you Timberlakers need to be drinking a 70s classic Tequila Sunrise.
Yes, in certain minds, Tony Danza was the boss. (Angela didn’t think so.) But Alyssa Milano stole our hearts. In honor of her Italian-American heritage, take a shot—really a sip—of Nonino.
OK, so maybe the way they wrote Urkel didn’t necessarily make him seem like the most romantically appealing dude. But he was actually just a really great actor, hiding his inherent sexiness. Drink something a little confusing. Absinthe. And then when you freak out, you can always say “Did I do that?”
(aka Soleil Moon Frye) This one is so, so, so goddam easy. Between the awesome (and quite possibly best) hippie name, and the general punkiness, we’re absolutely sure you need some Mezcal.
Tia & Tamera
Stop your weird twins thing immediately. They’re just both beautiful, so calm down. And drink a 7 & 7, mostly because you like things that go together. But not THAT way. (Decency accomplished.)