Let’s cut to the chase: a few glasses of wine can really change how we act as humans. Whether it’s a sudden rush of honesty or an extreme urge to dance, things just happen at the end of a bottle of wine. It’s inevitable that at some point we will end up taking the title of one of these personalities — or maybe we already have.
Before you take on any journey, it’s important to know what you may cross on your path. It’s for this reason that we have gathered the many different types of winos you will encounter in your lifetime so you can prepare yourself and craft a perfect defensive strategy for when the time strikes.
The Hangry Wine Lover
It doesn’t matter if dinner hasn’t hit the table yet or if you just ate, the Hangry Wino has an insane craving and will whine about it until getting the divine culinary classic they seek.
Commonly associated with late night diners, cheap pizza, and all things related to cheese.
The Loud Wine Lover
The Loud Wino doesn’t see many personality shifts like the others do. However, these folks throw out all inside voices and resort to shouting how ridiculous The Bachelorette was last night. It’s hard to blame them, as they truly can’t control the strength of their own voices.
Commonly associated with swishing a wine glass around dangerously and starting grueling political debates.
The Flirty Wine Lover
Whether it’s a rom-com movie night or a strong bottle of Pinot Noir, this is a pretty common person to encounter after a few glasses of wine. The surge of liquid courage courses through their veins to prompt playing with a straw or striking various poses, sadly leaving them unable to realize how ridiculous and obvious they look. Unless they meet with another Flirty Wino also acting like a fool, the odds are truly not in their favor.
Commonly associated with “the eyes” and accidentally being a little too touchy.
The Hot Mess Wine Lover
Oh Lord, where do we even begin. The Hot Mess Wino is a wild card, waiting to decide which path to take on this imbibing adventure. The level they reside at during this stage is one that often leads to shouting, an immediate lack of coordination, and sensory overload. It’s because of these attributes that they often branch off into another one of the types of winos as the night progresses.
Commonly associated with spilling drinks and losing their cell phones.
The Sassy Wine Lover
Whereas the the Loud Wino and the Hot Mess Wino are known for their volume and sometimes aggressive commentary, the Sassy Wino stands out from the others due to the precision of their words. Sassy Winos mean everything they say and often carry a resting-bitch-face that only a “Real Housewife” could love. Despite that, the Sassy Wino is definitely the life of the party, as long as everything goes according to their plan.
Commonly associated with backhanded compliments and utilizing wine as a projectile.
The Sleepy Wine Lover
In all honesty, the Sleepy Wino has it the best, as they crave something we all truly want deep down — a good night’s rest. Sadly, the Sleepy Wino is the only one ballsy enough to call it quits in public and, in the words of T-Pain, “Go the f*ck to sleep.” While the other winos generally mock this personality, in the end, we all know who the true winner is.
Commonly associated with an 8pm bedtime and an iPhone set to “do not disturb.”
The Tear-Soaked Wine Lover
Arguably the hardest to manage out of all the winos, the Tear-Soaked Wino is the Hot Mess Wino gone completely wrong. When the Tear-Soaked Wino appears after a bottle of wine, it’s like an 8.7 earthquake hit your living room. No amount of tissues, consoling, or chocolate truffles can activate the brakes on this crying train. Who knew there could be so much emotion bottled up in one person?
Commonly associated with breakups and Nicholas Sparks.
The DJ Wine Lover
It doesn’t matter if you’re in the Uber or at your apartment. If the DJ Wino graces you with their presence you better get ready because the tunes are about to get freaking loud. The DJ Wino doesn’t care about their surroundings or what music is already on, because if they want to listen to “Sweet Child O’ Mine” you better believe it’s happening and we’re all going to sing along. RIP to your party playlist.
Commonly associated with stealing the AUX cord and being completely off-key.
The Dancing Queen Wine Lover
(Sometimes) young and (questionably) sweet, the Dancing Queen Wino is a match made in heaven for the DJ Wino because no matter what tunes they end up playing, the Dancing Queen Wino will turn up to it. Are they actually good at dancing? Probably not. Are we going to dare stop them from doing “the sprinkler” in this bar? Of course not.
Commonly associated with a questionable sense of rhythm and the energy of an Energizer bunny.
The Burn Book Wine Lover
Like an episode of Pretty Little Liars gone completely wrong, the Burn Book Wino is a force of nature that should not be toyed with. By day, this wino is the keeper of all secrets and a go-to when it comes to confiding or ranting. Get a bottle of wine in them though and it’s enough to start a war between your friends. With a little push, the Burn Book Wino is going to release your drama like a Kardashian Snapchat story, so prepare for some crisis management.
Commonly associated with subtweets and shouting “OMG you won’t believe what I just heard” across the table.
The Already Hungover Wine Lover
If there’s anybody who has it seriously bad (besides whoever ends up dealing with the Tear-Soaked Wino), it’s the Already Hungover Wino. Yeah, it was just a bottle of wine and no, we can’t figure out how your screaming headache has arrived nine hours early. The homies are going to pour one out for this wino because nobody deserves to feel the consequences of their actions the night of. Save that sh*t for when your alarm goes off the next day.
Commonly associated with cheap wine and a distaste for flat water.
The Pour Me Another Wine Lover
When it comes to rallying, this wino is the first-place medalist. This type often is a sub-genre and can be seen in the above types. However, when the stars align The Pour Me Another Wino can exist in this world exclusively and has one mission — to enjoy as much wine as possible. This wino doesn’t drink for anything else but for the love of vino.
Commonly associated with an engraved corkscrew and a will to sip.
