TIME OUT! We all grew up alongside the cast of Bayside High. Each of their quirky personalities and signature catchphrases helped us get through those angsty preteen years full of drama and stress. But now we’re adults — and we have wine for that. Rather than rely on the advice of our favorite “friends forever” gang, grab a bottle of wine to deal with the situation at hand. If each character from our Bayside crew were a bottle of wine, here’s what they’d be. (TIME IN!)
Zack Morris – Bordeaux Blend
There’s no doubt about it. If Zack Morris were a bottle of wine, he’d be the best-looking, most-desired, preppiest bottle of them all — a solid bottle of red from Bordeaux. Zack and Bordeaux are both highly sought after and are definitely some of the most popular packages around. They’ll both cost you a pretty penny (let’s not forget, Zack generated a HUNDRED dollars at the Date Auction!) but are certainly worth it. Smooth and sleek, they’re certain to please. However, if you plan on polishing off a full bottle, we wouldn’t recommend climbing trees to enter your best friend’s window post-consumption.
Kelly Kapowski – Boxed Franzia Chardonnay
The only thing more all-American than a good ole’ box of Franzia is Kelly Kapowski. Face it, she’s got the girl-next-door look, and, she’s captain of the softball team, swim team, and volleyball team. She’s the most popular girl in school, just like Chardonnay, and she packs a hefty punch. Most importantly, though, this is our classic go-to budget wine. With seven brothers and sisters, there ain’t a whole lot of room to splurge on wine. And maybe, just maybe, if you save enough money choosing boxes over bottles, you’ll be able to afford that prom ticket. Or you’ll just share that box with your newly unemployed father.
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AC Slater – Rioja
Muscular and masculine, bursting with character and layered personality — wait, are we describing Slater or the wine? Both are definitely full-bodied, with strong, powerful profiles. With their generally high alcohol content, we wouldn’t recommend consuming an entire bottle in one setting — that is, if you’re planning to make wrestling practice tomorrow. Also, have we all forgotten that Slater’s real last name is Sanchez? His father changed their last name to be accepted into the military academy. (Hint, this was revealed in the later follow-up series, “The College Years.”)
Lisa Turtle – New Zealand Sauvignon Blanc
What do New Zealand Sauv Blancs and Lisa Turtle have in common? Both are zippy, zesty, and zingy. Their palates are sassy and grassy and are always ready to make a comeback. They pair well with all types of food — and we all know Lisa is a pro in the matching-fashion department. They’re our go-to wine, especially for girls’ night, perfect for drinking while gossiping. So throw a bottle back and chat the night away — just don’t be too hung over for a full day of shopping tomorrow.
Screech – Trousseau from Jura
Geeky, quirky, and certain to spark some nerdy discussions among all your dorky wine friends. Grab a bottle for your next dinner party or Friday game night. Chess, anyone? Who knows? It could be delish with a big ole’ bowl of pasta topped with Screech’s Secret Spaghetti Sauce. Not sure about food and wine pairings? Ask Kevin the Robot. I’m sure he’ll have an answer.
Mr. Belding – Nebbiolo Langhe from Piedmont
Just as Nebbiolo Langhe lives in the shadow of its bigger, badder, more-attractive brother Barolo, so does Mr. Belding live in the shadow of his hot younger brother, Rod. Despite being the “lesser” of the two, Nebbiolo Langhe still holds an authoritative presence in the wine world. The acidity is generally high, arguably comparable to the pitch of Belding’s laugh. Better bottles of Nebbiolo Langhe can present strikingly similar characteristics to those of Barolos and Barbarescos, potentially enough to make you ask yourself, “Hey, hey, hey, HEY, HEY! What is going on here?”
Jessie Spano – Vodka Red Bull
We’re skipping the wine and going straight for the hard stuff — this girl needs some serious caffeine. I mean, how else are you supposed to get through those sleepless nights of studying to fulfill those dreams of being valedictorian? Plus, with all that family drama (hello, hot, younger stepmom!) you’re gonna need a stronger drink than a glass of wine. Plus, you’ll have plenty of time for wine drinking with all your new sorority friends at Stanford — aren’t you so excited?