The table is set, the candles are lit, and the smell of a golden brown turkey escapes the oven. It’s Thanksgiving and it’s the greatest holiday ever. Well, that is, until the doorbell rings. We all have those classic personalities that grace the dining room table this time of year. Let’s just hope we can keep our sanity and make it to dessert.
Overly Touchy Grandma – Dirty Martini
Classic drink, meet classic grandma. She hasn’t seen you since the last holiday and she definitely remembers all those days you didn’t call her. With a glass in one hand and an arm wide open in the other, get ready for some tight hugs and tons of questions about your love life.
Sleepy Grandpa – Hot Toddy
Let’s be real. Grandpa is here for some football during the day and the food. He’s taking it nice and slow with a hot toddy because he’s planning on being in bed before 7:30. Make sure you don’t steal his favorite chair.
Drunk Aunt – Gin
The minute your aunt walks through the door with her own bottle of gin you know it’s going to be that kind of holiday. She will be the first person to spill something on the fresh tablecloth and will probably blame it on you. Somebody get her a sippy cup.
Hyper Conservative Uncle – Kentucky Bourbon
Your uncle came to your house ready for war. Nobody is truly prepared for the Fox News rants and the soapbox speech of how Donald Trump is going to make America the country it used to be. Maybe after another glass of bourbon he will pass out next to grandpa on the couch.
Overachieving Cousin – Champagne
We all know the one. The cousin that graduated top of their class at Yale and had that super cool internship. To answer your question, yes it’s totally acceptable to give them the stink eye from across the table. They won’t notice anyway, they’re too busy showing off their time studying abroad and drinking their favorite Champagne they drank in the Hamptons. Ugh.
Hyper Liberal Nephew – Local and Sustainable Triple IPA
Almost as bad, if not worse than your Hyper Conservative Uncle. Your nephew took a stop from his cross-country VW Bus tour and came for a brawl. He’s armed with a six pack of the most sustainable IPAs you can find on this side of town. He’s a lot to handle and will get more heated than Bernie Sanders at a debate. Make sure you adjust the seating chart accordingly.
Deal Hunting Niece – Red Bull & Vodka
Your niece may love spending time with the fam but really she’s counting down the hours until she gets the go-ahead to shop till she drops. She’s taking this turkey day to the next level with a energy infused cocktail. How else is she going to get that rose gold watch for next to nothing?
Pregnant Sister – Sparkling Grape Juice
Sadly your sister is with child this Thanksgiving so she’s going to have to pass on the spiked cider. It’s okay though, because she came prepared with some sparkling grape juice to cut through the pregnancy cravings. She will whine about staying sober the whole night, but she’ll be fine once she gets another helping of stuffing.
Burnout Brother – Light Beer
To your brother, this is just another Thursday meal but instead of having the basement all to himself he has to share his room with grandpa. On the plus side, he’s the one in the family that makes you look like an angel. Let him drink his watered down beer and take the hard questions from the rest of the family.
Food Critic Father – Pinot Noir
The turkey is dry, the sweet potatoes too bitter, and don’t even get him started on the pie your aunt brought. Your father will make endless comments on the meal and the only thing that will get him to shut up is the perfect pairing with a good glass of Pinot Noir.
Exhausted Mother – Chardonnay
Your mother has been up since 6:30 a.m. working on this damn meal that you’ll be eating leftovers of for the next three days. Between your drunk uncle going nuts over the upcoming election and your cousin showing everyone pictures of them backpacking in Europe, she’s just fifty shades of done with this holiday. Thankfully, Chardonnay is here to help the evening go a little bit faster.
You – All of the above
We love family. We love Thanksgiving. But even more, we love the booze that will help us get through this. The characters at your table will drive you nuts, but think of it this way; in just a few hours and everyone will be gone to leave you the chance to enter your food coma in peace. Now that’s what we call a holiday.