It feels like it was just yesterday when little Billy and little Susie went back to school. After that 1st day back, all was well. There weren’t any children around the house whining about how hungry they were and nothing was standing in the way between you and Law & Order: SVU.

But those days are gone. It’s summer, and the little devils are running around, trying to enjoy their vacation. Sadly, this means your vacation is over. Luckily, there is always a situation that calls for wine, and we’ve calculated (with a super secret algorithm) how much you should be pouring for each of these instances.

One on one time with the Child

Let’s face it. It’s been awhile since you’ve truly had one-on-one time with your child — especially to this degree. You’re going to learn a lot about them and they’re going to learn a lot about you. Here’s to a happy summer full of shouting matches and “I’m bored.”

Get the latest in beer, wine, and cocktail culture sent straight to your inbox.

Going to an outdoor sporting event.

Sure, baseball may be America’s pastime. But how can anybody expect to brave those mid-afternoon games with weather like this? It’s over 100 degrees. No amount of Dippin Dots can persuade us to sit in the outfield while children moan about how hot it is.

Going to Disney/Universal.

While on the surface it may seem that these theme parks are the place where dreams are made of, the parents fighting their way through the crowds make us beg to differ. There’s a reason they sell wine at Epcot. Get your Fastpass and bring a corkscrew because this is going to be a vacation you’ll never forget.


It’s amazing how wonderful waterparks seem when you’re a child, but as an adult you realize how gross they are. Either way, just like the children want to wait 45 minutes for that 20 second thrill, you’ll want to think about some throwing some “juice boxes” in the cooler.

Popsicles everywhere.

Only during summer do you find yourself asking, “How the hell did Billy manage to get ice cream in his hair?” While the sound of the Ice Cream truck may be what your children have been waiting for, it’s the sound of our nightmares. Long live sticky hands and hungry children. PS: These pairings are just what you need.

Playing in the sprinkler.

It’s simple. It’s harmless. It’s a reason for your kids to GTFO of the house so you can enjoy some peace and quiet. Just be ready for the mud that follows.

Movie Trip.

Shout out to the parents that take a squad of children to see the movies that everybody else really doesn’t want to see – does the world really need another “Ice Age” – because it takes a strong soul to sit through that nonsense for two hours. Thankfully, this summer does have a solid selection of children-approved cinema, but sneak in some vino just for good measure.


As if playdates couldn’t get worse, sleepovers ensure you have somebody else’s crazy child for nearly 12 hours. Get the wine, because they’ll be giggling about nonsense until 1 am. But really, why can’t your kid go to Susie’s house instead? I’m sure her mother would love to show off her award-winning brownie recipe.

Day at the pool.

As a former lifeguard, I’m going to have to disclose that parents who use lifeguards as baby sitters should not be allowed into the pool area. However, if your child is causing you trouble, we’ll gladly put them in time out. Feel free to use those ten minutes to wind down and work on your tan. Just remember – leave the glass at home to imbibe safely.

That one friend who suddenly moved in for no reason.

Ah, the one friend who basically stays for weeks at a time…this is definitely more common in the teen years and can go one of two ways: if you’re blessed enough to accidentally adopt the friend with good manners who isn’t annoying — congrats, if you’ve instead adopted the friend that is loud, obnoxious, and makes your house look like a tornado swept through, we’re going to pour one out in your honor.

Summer Reading.

They don’t want to do it. You don’t want to make them do it. This whole situation is just the worst. Teachers don’t even want to grade it. Not only does summer homework make everybody’s life hard, it makes your life extremely difficult because of the nonstop moaning and groaning over it. The only thing we’re reading this summer is wine labels.

The kids just left for camp.

TGFC: thank god for camp. This is a time for celebration. The kids are gone, the house is empty, it’s just like school is back in session. Sure, this time it cost a pretty penny, but every dollar was WORTH IT. Cheers.

The kids hate camp.

TGISTMOC: Thank god I spent that money on camp. Sure, the kids want to come home to the land of central A/C and hot showers, but the kids aren’t the ones calling the shots this time. Enjoy a heavy pour as you remind them in your letter to “be a friend, make a friend.”

The kids got pink eye at camp.

TGINTBISHTPTU: Thank god I’m not there but I still have to pick them up. It was nice while it lasted. Looks like your vacation has come to a close and it’s time to bring the little angels to the doctor.

The kids are coming home from camp.

TGTWTCBNTWSTAI: Thank god they went to camp but now they won’t stop talking about it. The whole camp thing is a double-edged sword because it’s awesome that you got a few weeks away from the children, but now they will forever be telling you stories of camp. We get it, kayaks are fun.

Late Bedtime.

When the kids don’t have to wake up for school the next morning, that means they can stay up all night and destroy your bedtime with their shenanigans. Pour a nightcap for yourself and throw their asses in bed because ain’t nobody got time for this nonsense.

Arts And Crafts.

Sure, turning your kitchen into an art studio sounds harmless, but it’s all fun and games until there is glitter all over your house. Don’t let your little Picasso turn your white cabinets into a 3rd grade rendition of Starry Night.

Because you can.

It’s summer. Just because the kids get free reign doesn’t mean you can’t have some fun. Embrace the summer and enjoy some wine — because nobody can tell you differently.