We’re deep into the holiday season and with that comes celebrations that are either a night to remember for years to come or a night to regret for all eternity. Sure, it might be the most wonderful time of the year, but it’s imperative that we come together and realize no holiday party is safe from a posse of grinchy jerks who think we should all be respectable and whatnot. It doesn’t matter if your party is a work function, a family gathering, or just another reason for you and your friends to watch “Elf.” There will always be that person trying to ruin it for everyone with their “don’t get drunk” nonsense. Seriously, is nothing sacred anymore?!
Here are some holiday party hacks to keep you from being the grinch and help you totally crush the holiday party:
DRINK YOUR WEIGHT IN HOLIDAY SANGRIA TOO EARLY IN THE EVENING
Yes, the holidays are definitely for a little splurging. But it’s important to remember that holiday parties are sprints, not marathons. Take your time sipping on the sweet concoction because that shit is definitely loaded with more booze than it’s letting on. Then make sure you drink two more glasses of it. Because let me tell you, no one wants to be SOBER for the first half hour of the party when Pam from Marketing is DJing.
MAKE THE GIFT EXCHANGE TACKY OR WEIRD
It doesn’t matter if you and your squad are taking the “White Elephant” or “Secret Santa” route — the rules still apply. Regular, respectable gifts are never funny and should be avoided like the plague. You know what goes great in gift exchanges? Deodorant. Toothpaste. Or really, any of your everyday hygiene products. You know what doesn’t ruin friendships? A pack of undershirts (also reasonably priced at the drugstore). Or just go all in and get the undies. The crucial thing to remember here is: Be Bad Ass. Nothing says “War on Christmas” like gifting someone a box of chocolates.
It doesn’t matter what the occasion is, peppermint schnapps/cinnamon whiskey/pure ethanol is ALWAYS a good idea, especially if you’ve been drinking sangria.
COMPLETELY SHATTER THE PLAYLIST
I’ve got three words for you: Make. People. Uncomfortable. Nothing says “holiday spirit” like a bunch of people awkwardly trying to dance to songs they are not on board with. Trust us on this one — you will be absolutely CRUSHING the party with this.
ANYTHING TO DO WITH MISTLETOE
This goes without saying. In the words of those with much more authority than us: Just. Do. It.
TAKE THE HOLIDAY SWEATERS TOO FAR
I love a horrendously tacky sweater just as much as the next person. But what people don’t realize is that you can never take Christmas sweaters too far. If your sweater lights up, sings a song, or is covered completely in bows (been there, done that) it must make an appearance.
TELL ‘EM HOW YOU FEEL
You’ve had the sangria and the shots and the eggnog. “We Belong Together” comes on the playlist and now, it is time. It’s time to tell John from the Mailroom that you have long-harbored secret feelings for him, that you have fantasized about him just going nuts and emptying a bag of mail on you while you use the stamp machine to put the wrong postage on envelopes. This is your chance. Do not squander it.
BE AN OVERALL TRAGIC MESS
Santa, can you hear me? This year has been a pile of hot, steaming trash and we’re in the final stretch. The world ABSOLUTELY NEEDS a bunch of woo-girls twerking to “Jingle Bell Rock” and man-children throwing rock-hard snowballs through windows. Santa, that’s my only wish this year.