While we normally like to highlight wine accessories with a sense of style, the same cannot be said for the six accessories on this list. They may not even seem real, but they are, and they’re all available for purchase on Amazon (some of them can even be shipped to you for free if you have Prime!). Looking at the popularity of some of these interesting wine accessories does have us wondering just who is buying them. Are they gag gifts for bridal showers and bachelorette parties? Or is your favorite Aunt secretly stashing wine in her blouse? We’ll never know.
Have you ever wished you could holster your wine glass on your belt like you were a sheriff with a Six Shooter in the Wild West? Of course you have, and now you can.
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We’re hoping the only reason people purchase this (very) happy man is as a gag gift for bachelorette parties. His partner in crime, the “Sir Perky Novelty Bottle Opener” seems to pair well with this guy.
The oh-so-cleverly named WineRack is exactly what you think it is…if you’re not thinking of the wine rack that’s sitting in your home. Let’s go straight to the perfect product description: “The Winerack: every girl’s best friend. Now you can drink what you want, when you want, where you want, with no hassles and for less money. Features: Comfortable sports bra holds up to 25 ounces of your favorite beverage. Removable polyurethane bladder custom-shaped to fit bra. Long drinking tube with easy-to-use on/off valve controls the flow. By blowing air into the tube, you can re-inflate the wine rack even when you have finished drinking your beverage. Sizing: Small fits bra sizes 32A-34B. Medium fits bra sizes 34C-38C.”
You’ll want to check out the full review, by ‘chatchi,’ which we’ve excerpted here:
Once my office installed metal detectors at every entrance to the building, my days of sneaking in a flask were over. Fortunately, I was able to satiate my day-drunk cravings by soaking gummy bears in vodka overnight and eating them at work the next day. While disguising my intoxication was never an issue, my rapid 30-pound weight gain and obvious constipation issues quickly triggered a number of alarms with upper management.
I needed a new way to get hammered at work, and I needed it now.
The long drinking tube tucks nicely into the bra when not in use and easily reaches my mouth when I need a drink. Whether you need a big gulp, or just a sip, the on/off valve lets you control the flow of your beverage with relative ease.
Just be sure not to drink too quickly, otherwise your rapidly-decreasing bust size will invite its fair share of questions.
The visible bra straps through my dress shirts occasionally raise a few eyebrows, but so far I’ve been able to easily dismiss them as part of my therapeutic back brace. And don’t be too concerned about the sloshing noise you make as you walk down the hall — it’s minimum, at best.
This is another product description that simply cannot be improved upon: “This hands free wine glass lanyard is the perfect accessory for wine tastings and festivals. The sassy neoprene sling holds your wine glass when you need both hands for other pursuits. Rubberized lining offers extra gripping power.”
Whoever is manufacturing this product knows their wine…we think: “That bottle of 1945 Chateau Mouton-Rothschild is pretty impressive, but it’s shockingly naked. It needs Vinderpants – the wine underpants! Vinderpants are 95% cotton, 5% spandex tighty-whities that fit snugly over most wine and champagne bottles. Acts as a perfect gift sack or just a great gag covering for a bottle of Two Buck Chuck. Great for hostess gifts, wine tastings or anywhere wine enthusiasts with a sense of humor gather.”
This “Winecoat’ looks like a handbag to us, albeit one with a red spout to pour out wine from your favorite boxed brand. We’re featuring it here not just because it’s a bit out there, but also on account of this epic 5 star review by ‘KittenWithaWhip’ entitled ‘Really helps my addiction’
Have you ever been dining at a fine establishment and their wine just wasn’t plentiful enough for you? Of course. We ALL have! And sipping obviously from a hip flask just doesn’t send the right message when you’re dining under a Michelin star or two. No, when you want to look your best and still keep drinking, nothing says CLASS like putting your glass under the tablecloth for a moment or two and opening the spigot on this elegant little number. Sure, the “piddling” noise gives some diners a start, but if you dine in fine establishments like I do, the other patrons are usually to polite to mention it. Usually. And the best part is, you can get totally spiffligated (sic) in front of people and they’ll be utterly confused. “Why, she can’t be DRUNK. Her glass hasn’t been empty all night!” See what I mean, girls? Reputation intact. And the 32-oz size ensures I can uncork several of my favorite $300-a-bottle vintages and be ready for anything: Junior’s Little League game (mommy REALLY needs a drink for that one, darlings), Daddy’s Season Tickets (ugh, does the proletariat ONLY drink BEER?) and of course, the occasional “cigarette break” at work. Sometimes it seems I use my wine purse every hour of every day! Now granted, there’s not a lot of room for other things like drivers licences (sic), credit cards or lipsticks, but I find you can get creative with the stopper if you’re clever. As for Licences (sic) – they took mine away long ago so that’s never been a problem. And credit cards are something best kept either in your sugar daddy’s wallet or in-hand at Bergdorf’s anyway, so no problem there either. So remember girls, if you want to be classy and still feel the need for imbibing bladder-buster sized quantities of vino, this little gadget is the clear choice.