48-year-old Brooklyn woman Juanette Cullum has just been charged with grand larceny for stealing $10K worth of alcohol nips from JFK Airport, where she works. Apparently Cullum found the bottles on American Airlines planes, which she cleaned. The police, who were tipped off by an American Airlines security staffer, found almost 1,500 wee bottles in Cullum’s closet upon searching her residence. The ridiculous (yet sort of brilliant) theft prompts us to ask why? Why would anyone steal so much of so little? Here are our seven best guesses.
1. She Listens to “Shots” While Tidying Up The House
Everyone has a cleaning anthem – ours is “Upgrade U.” Maybe Cullum likes to rock out to Shots while spiffying up her apartment and she takes the lyrics as instructions.
2. She Works At JFK
We don’t even like flying at JFK. If we worked there, we would be stealing booze out of spite, if not to cope.
3. The Monster In Her Closet Likes Fireball
Maybe she’s hiding a dragon (or three) in her home, a la Daenerys Targaryen, who can only be appeased by small shots of Fireball.
4. She Moonlights For Nipyata
5. She’s On A Mission To Rid The World Of Bad Alcohol
One nip at a time, Cullum wants every plane in the US to start serving real liquor instead of the swill they offer up. Her mission is a noble one.
6. She Wanted American Airlines To Get On Bar Rescue
Jon Taffer, host of Bar Rescue, gets annoyed when bars give out free shots. Can you imagine how enraged he’d be if he saw that American Airlines was missing $10K worth of booze? Maybe Cullum really thought AA needed a revamp, and she was just providing the final push for Taffer to pay a visit to their in-air bar.
7. She Wanted Free Booze, And Nips Are Easier To Steal Than Bottles
Yes, we know this answer might prove the most ludicrous of all, but it’s still a possibility.