Kid’s shows. You either love them or hate them. There is no in between. Some shows you’ll find yourself watching long after your kid’s short attention span has forced him to move on to the next thing. You look up from “Odd Squad” and suddenly realize you’re the only one in the room laughing out loud all by yourself. Then there are the shows that make you want to purchase the best pair of noise cancelling headphones money can buy. For tortuous shows like these, a spirited beverage will make the experience infinitely better. Here are my recommendations, should you find yourself forced to watch one.
Caillou
For this you’ll need a shot of the hard stuff. It’s vodka or tequila; either will do the job. Caillou is every parent’s worst nightmare. He’s whiny, asks millions of questions each episode, and he’s bald for reasons no one understands. When your kid accidentally catches “Caillou” on demand you regret ever teaching her how to use a remote. This is why at least one strong shot is recommended per 30- minute episode.
Mickey Mouse Clubhouse
Oh, Toodles, go get mommy a craft beer! Preferably a pale ale. Actually, any beer will do while you’re subjected to the “Hot Dog” song being sung by a mouse with a shrill voice and all of his pals. There is a high likelihood that your kid will also request you stand up and dance during this show. So get up, dance and feel better knowing you have a refreshing cold one awaiting your return.
Thomas the Train
Usually I’m a sucker for accents. Not this one. It’s creepy because they’re talking trains with disturbing faces and I just can’t get on board with that (see what I did there?). Over-eager Thomas is always causing trouble and Sir Topham Hatt always has to get involved. You should definitely be drinking a gin and tonic while you watch Thomas and his pals attempt to be “really useful engines.”
Little Einstein
Since this is show about sophisticated and highly intelligent little people who know more than you do, you’ll need wine for this one — an equally sophisticated red wine that distracts you from all that you do not know. Be forewarned: These overly cultured children fly around in a rocket capable of transforming into any other form of transportation they may need. So rest assured that when you see that rocket morphing into a submarine, that it’s the show — you haven’t had too much to drink!
Daniel Tiger
Where do I begin? The main character doesn’t wear pants. All day long he only wears a red sweatshirt and then at night he finally puts on pajama pants. It makes no sense. He’s also responsible for teaching millions of children that they should stomp their feet three times to make themselves feel better. So when this show comes on at 9 every morning, my daughter can be heard stomping her way through my house, which is why the classic mimosa is the perfect morning cocktail to help you cope.
