It’s 5 o’clock, and with the weather warming up, it’s time for some disgustingly cheap happy hour Margaritas.
What makes a good happy hour Margarita? Start with the cheapest tequila you can find. If there was a shelf between the bottom shelf and the first layer of hell, that’s what a happy hour Marg needs. Then, top it all off with the thickest, most stomach-churning flavored syrup. The more Red 40 food dye, the better. Throw that in a slushie machine and you’re ready to serve the masses from 5 to 7.
But with a plethora of options on these happy hour menus, it can be hard to decide what flavor Margarita to dedicate your evening to, especially if you’ve had too many lime ones recently (FLAVOR RUTS ARE REAL, Y’ALL).
In the war of happy hour Margarita flavors, there are winners, losers, and some that should just be traded in for a tall Corona. We’ve drank through some long happy hours, so you don’t have to. Here are the flavors to seek out and the ones to keep far away from your table.
11. Blood Orange
Ranking: “I’ll just have a beer.”
If we wanted a Margarita that tasted like a curdled Creamsicle, we would just chase a tequila shot with some Fanta and call it a day.
10. Pineapple
Ranking: “I’ll just have a beer.”
Fake pineapple is a red flag by itself and if you mix it with worse-than-well tequila you have a guaranteed headache coming later. Please save this for the piña coladas.
9. Pomegranate
Ranking: 12 oz.
It’s not unbearable, but it’s really not great, either. It’s time we officially let the pomegranate fad die and get it the hell out of our Margaritas.
8. Watermelon
Ranking: 12 oz.
It might taste like a rancid Jolly Rancher, but again, the watermelon Margarita is fairly enjoyable under certain circumstances. Order another round of queso dip and we’ll be good to go.
7. Raspberry
Ranking: 20 oz.
The raspberry Margarita is supremely zippy and tart, even with the high-fructose corn syrup, but we honestly can’t resist its fluorescent pink pull once in a blue moon.
6. Blackberry
Ranking: 20 oz.
Similar to the raspberry Margarita, the blackberry Margarita has the tartness to make your face turn but the deep, dark color is super sexy on your Snapchat story. Plus, with a lime on the rim, that’s quality contrast. #PhotoGoals
5. Peach
Ranking: 27 oz.
Peach Margaritas are a solid crowd-pleaser for those who like their Margs supremely sweet and simple. Even though the peach Margarita is probably the most grossly Americanized one on the list, we’re #sorrynotsorry and totally feeling peachy about it’s greatness.
4. Mango
Ranking: 27 oz.
It may just be the alliteration in sassily asking the server for a mango Margarita that makes us such big fans, but the fake mango syrup and some cheap chicken tacos are a bombass pairing.
3. Peach-Mango
Ranking: 32 oz.
What do you do when you have two deliciously fake, oddly orange flavors? Mix them together and stick a straw in it. We can hear the Shakira singing from the heavens above/the speakers next to our table.
2. Strawberry
Ranking: 64 oz.
The fuel of all basic bitches dancing on picnic tables everywhere (us included), it’s beautifully sweet and juicy. The only thing that could make this better would be Kesha and some fresh guacamole. Everything’s better with white girl anthems and avocados.
1. Lime
Ranking: “The biggest effing pitcher you have.”
The lime Margarita is a classic and there’s a reason it’s No. 1 on our list. It’s tart, it’s boozy, and above all, it’s refreshing AF. With some sea salt on the rim we’ll take a pitcher with a straw. Here’s to happy hours turning into happy days.
