Crying Cocktails

Well, the election ended and Trump won. But God hasn’t abandoned us totally! There’s still alcohol! In the words of Donald J. Trump, 45th president-elect of these United States, “Now, it’s time to bind the wounds of division, come together as one people . . . and get completely shit-faced on these amazing celebratory cocktails.”

The Harvey Wallbuilder

  • 1 part tequila
  • 1 part Galliano
  • whatever else there is in a Harvey Wallbanger – let’s not play coy here, we’re all doomed anyway
  • make the bartender pay for it

The Bad Hombre

  • 1 oz tequila
  • 3 oz Tecate
  • Splash of fresh lime juice and murderous intent
  • Sneak across the border in a lowball glass, and garnish with your job

The Chappaqua Iced Tea

  • 1 oz Blackheart Rum
  • 1 oz Open Border Tequila
  • 1 oz Wall Street Vodka
  • 1 oz Pantsuit Pisco
  • 1 oz Bulldog Gin
  • Triple Seconal
  • Sour grape juice
  • Server (see what I did there?) over ice and garnish with basket of deplorables

The Anti-Establishmentarian

  • Take one muddled lemon
  • Add grenadine for color
  • 3 oz Balvenie 50 Year Old Single Malt Scotch Whisky . . . oh, hell, make it 4 oz. The more, the classier (It’s $40,000 a bottle. A drink for the Ordinary American!).
  • Sprinkle in ashes of $1000 bill
  • Add fresh-squeezed 19-year-old
  • Serve in Moscow Mule glass with a twist of holy shit, this is happening

The November Bomb

  • Pour a good-sized shot at winning the presidency
  • Drop shot glass into a pint glass half-filled with sexism, racism and bad trucker hats
  • Realize that glass was way, way fuller than you expected and now everything is ruined
  • Drink it anyway because sobriety is not an option
  • Repeat till blackout or 2020, whichever comes first