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Well, the election ended and Trump won. But God hasn’t abandoned us totally! There’s still alcohol! In the words of Donald J. Trump, 45th president-elect of these United States, “Now, it’s time to bind the wounds of division, come together as one people . . . and get completely shit-faced on these amazing celebratory cocktails.”
The Harvey Wallbuilder
- 1 part tequila
- 1 part Galliano
- whatever else there is in a Harvey Wallbanger – let’s not play coy here, we’re all doomed anyway
- make the bartender pay for it
The Bad Hombre
- 1 oz tequila
- 3 oz Tecate
- Splash of fresh lime juice and murderous intent
- Sneak across the border in a lowball glass, and garnish with your job
The Chappaqua Iced Tea
- 1 oz Blackheart Rum
- 1 oz Open Border Tequila
- 1 oz Wall Street Vodka
- 1 oz Pantsuit Pisco
- 1 oz Bulldog Gin
- Triple Seconal
- Sour grape juice
- Server (see what I did there?) over ice and garnish with basket of deplorables
The Anti-Establishmentarian
- Take one muddled lemon
- Add grenadine for color
- 3 oz Balvenie 50 Year Old Single Malt Scotch Whisky . . . oh, hell, make it 4 oz. The more, the classier (It’s $40,000 a bottle. A drink for the Ordinary American!).
- Sprinkle in ashes of $1000 bill
- Add fresh-squeezed 19-year-old
- Serve in Moscow Mule glass with a twist of holy shit, this is happening
The November Bomb
- Pour a good-sized shot at winning the presidency
- Drop shot glass into a pint glass half-filled with sexism, racism and bad trucker hats
- Realize that glass was way, way fuller than you expected and now everything is ruined
- Drink it anyway because sobriety is not an option
- Repeat till blackout or 2020, whichever comes first
