I see you in your yoga pants, carrying your grocery bags. I see you sitting there reading a book on your stoop, raising an eyebrow. I see the corner of your mouth curled upward with the smug pleasure of superiority, your eyes darting from me to my beer, then to your watch. I know what you’re thinking.
But hush that internal holier-than-thou monologue. Yes, it is a tad before 2 p.m. and yes, I am finishing my second beer of the day. But NO, I am not an alcoholic, and no, you are not making better life choices than me. In fact, quite the contrary.
You see, I’ve unlocked a truth that so contradicts conventional wisdom that most people will never be able to see it. It’s a truth that threatens to topple the fragile table upon which our society rests. It’s a simple, joyful truth and it is this: Day Drinking is the best.
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I’m not talking about having a Bloody Mary at brunch; no red-blooded adult blinks an eye at ordering an alcoholic beverage to accompany her frittata. I’m talking about a steady stream of drinking from early afternoon ‘til sunset. Long viewed as the puerile black sheep in the family of drinking occasions, not as “respectable” as happy hour or cocktail parties, Day Drinking is in fact glorious and enriching. And I’m here to tell you why.
Here are seven reasons why you should be Day Drinking:
It Uproots Your Routine
What does your typical Monday look like? Probably a lot like every other day of the work week. Wake up, and go (soberly) to work, to the gym, to the grocery store. Only after the sun sets do you, perhaps, pour yourself two fingers of bourbon before heading to bed so you can wake up and do it all over again.
What makes weekends so glorious is that they are untethered to any routine or structure. To optimize the magic of the weekend is to exploit this structural difference to the maximum extent – wake up late, don’t go to work, and, by all means, drink while the sun is high in the sky! Otherwise, you run the risk of your day feeling unpleasantly similar to the rest of the grind.
You Feel Great the Next Day
You know what you don’t feel like doing when you spend the whole day drinking? Going out. When the booze starts to flow at brunch o’clock, chances are that by 8, you’ll want to fire up that Seamless app, collapse on the couch, and watch YouTube videos of corgis going down stairs until the pizza arrives. You’ll be in bed before midnight, already half sober, and wake up the next day feeling right as rain — unlike all those sober-while-the-sun-shines folk doing shots of Jamo ’til last call.
You Can Play Games!
What’s better than playing games with friends while sipping on some brew dogs? Almost nothing. What’s more difficult than convincing a bunch of antsy drunks on a Saturday night to sit down and focus on a game? Literally nothing.
Once night falls, people do not have the attention span to play a game. During a lazy, obligation-free afternoon, nobody minds spending 15 minutes to learn a game, five minutes to set it up, and two hours to play (looking at you, Ticket to Ride).
You Save Money
Happy hour generally occurs during useless hours (4 to 6? Thanks, guys.). The weekend is a glimmering opportunity to take advantage of these deals without having to make up an excuse about “leaving early for a dentist appointment.” Plus, needless to say, there’s never a cover at 3 p.m.
You’re Not Jostled
Being jostled is the worst. The only thing more awful is being jostled when you’re holding a full glass of an overpriced beverage – which is what happens pretty much continuously if you’re out at a bar at night.
During the day, you don’t get jostled. Odds are good you’ll even get a table for your crew, at which you can comfortably play the aforementioned games.
You Get to Eat Food!
When you’re out at a bar at night, how often does someone say, “Hey, let’s order a basket of fries?” Answer: never. When you’re drinking at a bar during the day, the fries runneth like water. Need I go on?
Many view weekend nights as precious opportunities. For the single, they represent an opportunity to meet someone; for others, a chance to party with a capital P. For the status-conscious, it’s a chance to see and be seen. Justified as these opportunistic desires may be, they don’t foster real connection between people. There’s always the sense that you’re about to move on to the next bar, to a different conversation, to a better party.
The daytime has no such expectations thrust upon it. Because of this, people can fully commit to hanging with a capital H, without constantly checking their phone or texting their friend Carter to find out the address for that party on the LES.
I want to be clear: I’m not saying that every Saturday should be spent in a buzzed blur of empty pint glasses and board games. Saturdays are precious, and many of them should be spent enjoying the wonders of the sober world: museums, nature, a good book, a long run, making chili, doing a jigsaw puzzle, painting your dog, whatever. But day drinking has a place in the canon of Worthwhile Weekend Activities, right up there with writing freelance pieces for websites.
Speaking of which, now that I’ve made my argument, I’m going to sign off. It’s 1:30 on Saturday and I deserve a Mojito.