Your Drinking Guide to Life as a Single Parent

single mom

Single parenthood is by far the hardest thing I’ve done in my life. I remember when I became a parent, and I thought, how am I going to juggle everything? Times that by 100 percent when you become a single parent. Everything is riding on your shoulders — no pressure! There is one perk, actually: If your kid ends up in therapy, you can always blame the absent or other parent. As the saying goes, “If you broke it, you fix it!”

As a single parent, you come to learn that for those times that life gives you lemons, those times that you wish you had three wives, two husbands, 10,000 more dollars, and about five other arms, you do what the wise do. You drink wine.

For every single-parenthood moment, there is an opportunity to celebrate, lament, or survive — with wine. Here are just a few examples:

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When Baby Daddy/Daddy/Baby Mommy/Mommy Doesn’t Show

Oh, sure, they said they’d come and see their kid or heck, even call, but do they? Noooo. No, they don’t. So when you have to deliver the bad news to your little one yet again because that punk wouldn’t tell the kids him or herself, you pop open a bottle of Merlot or Pinot Noir. In this instance, your glass of red wine is your best friend. Remember with wine, you never go alone!

When You Have Your First Date as a Single Parent

Holy Lord! You are going out with another adult! Yes, really — another adult! You can’t contain your excitement for adult conversation, but at the same time, there’s so much to fear.Will my kid get sick and I will have to go home? Do I even know what I am doing anymore, dating another human? What if I pass out with excitement from being out in the world…alone?

At the same time, your brain is also thinking of sex, sex, and yes, sex. It’s sort of been on the back burner while you’ve been doing breakfast, lunch, dinner, laundry, bedtime, baths, homework, playdates, more laundry, more lunches, and so forth. That’s when pre-date, you bust out some Red Moscato or a Riesling. Life is a little sweet, and you’re getting to enjoy yourself.

When the Money is Scarce

You really need some money (wait, what’s that?) this month and bills are making things hella tight. Life is about as joyous as stepping in dog poop. In other words, sh*t can’t get worse and you’re considering what life would be like if you had a sugar daddy or momma, or even a contributing partner… What a luxury! So you break out your heavy sarcasm and your Pinot Grigio or Chardonnay, believing fully that life sucks right now, so you might as well have some wine. It makes the bitter pill of it all easier to swallow, and the stupid easier to tolerate, but that’s a whole other ball game. 

When It Feels Like Your Kids Are Stuck to Your Body. Literally.

You can’t remember the last time you peed without one of your kids handing you the toilet paper to wipe yourself. You can’t remember the last time there weren’t children or at least one child sharing your bed. You begin to believe that your children are so close to you that perhaps they’d like to go back into the womb. You have a glass of Shiraz or Sauvignon Blanc and, suddenly, it doesn’t matter quite so much anymore that you’ll never be a free-floating body in this great open world ever again.

When Your Kids Recognize All That You Do

That moment when your kids realize how much you do for them as a single parent, that’s a Champagne moment. I don’t care if you buy the cheapest stuff at the liquor store. When your kids “get” all you’ve been doing for them, it’s a moment of celebration! Enjoy while it lasts because in about 10 minutes, you’ll be the worst parent ever. Counting in five…four…three…two…one!

When Someone Asks You Why You Brought Your Kids With You

We’ve all have had that moment in which the rest of the world thinks we’ve got a partner at home and with all their double-parent privilege tastelessly exclaim, “How in the hell could you have brought your kids with you to the (insert location)? Couldn’t they have just stayed home?”

That’s when you laugh because apparently, you forgot that hidden wife or husband all this time. You go home and crack open some White Zinfandel that your mom used to drink and you wish everyone would go F themselves.