It’s a beautiful fall morning. The sun is glistening off the morning dew and by some divine intervention you’ve made it out of bed. Only one thing is on the brain, and that’s a sexy cup of tall, dark and caffeinated goodness. With today being National Coffee Day, this desire is exponentially greater than ever as you plot the totes adorable Instagram pics you’re going to post, cup of joe in hand.
But there are only so many things that coffee can help you do. Sure, it can get your sleepy ass out of bed and inject some life into your next assignment that’s due in 20 minutes, but after a while, only so much shit can hit the fan before it’s time to change your liquid lineup.
There comes a point when it’s time for coffee to take a step back and it’s time for alcohol to hit the field. Just like we all take our coffee a little bit differently, there are so many boozy choices to take a sip from, so why not have those choices fit your caffeine lifestyle? That’s where we come in.
The Drip Drinker
If it isn’t broken, don’t fix it. After all, who needs a French Press or Chemex or all this other java nonsense? The Drip Drinker is all about keeping it simple and believes there’s nothing better than setting their classic coffee pot the night before in order to have it ready for walking out the door to work.
What they’re really sipping on: A case of light beer or a box of wine is great for The Drip Drinker because in this game of caffeine volume matters.
The Instant Coffee Catastrophe
While the idea of instant coffee really being coffee is still up for debate, it’s obvious The Instant Coffee Catastrophe needs caffeine and needs it now. They don’t care about fancy cups or lite whip. No, they just want to make their deadline and they can’t wait for the coffee to drip from the pot. If they could just inhale it, they probably would.
What they’re really sipping on: Efficiency is the major key to success for the Instant Coffee fam and you can’t spell efficiency without tequila shots.
The Keurig Kween
The Keurig Kween is all about appearances. At work, they keep a drawer of perfectly aligned K-Cups and actually use the mug emblazoned with puns that sits on their desk. While it can be extremely dangerous to leave a K-Cup in the machine (or, heaven forbid, leave the water tank empty) The Keurig Kween happily sips on their cup of quick joe staring off into the distance.
What they’re really sipping on: When the evening strikes, they skip the pun mug for an edgy bottle of white wine they picked up at the grocery store.
The Nespresso Nut
Similar to The Keurig Kween, The Nespresso Nut is all about the swift lifestyle of a cup of coffee but does so wearing an evening gown or full tuxedo in their Malibu mansion. Their hands only caress the finest of mugs and they would never dare allow the words “donut shop” to escape from their lips.
What they’re really sipping on: Bordeaux is the only drink worthy of their presence.
The Dunkin’ Diva
Is it coffee or is it dessert? To The Dunkin’ Diva, there’s no end to how sweet a coffee can get. I mean, who wouldn’t want an iced coffee that tastes like a candy bar? After all, something has to balance out the salty attitude of The Dunkin’ Divas across America.
What they’re really sipping on: Only one drink can satisfy their cream-craving taste buds, and that’s a tall White Russian with just a splash of coffee.
The Starbucks Snob
Always complaining about how coffee chains have destroyed the American coffee palate while walking into the largest coffee chain to order their “Trenta Iced double-shot, inside-out, caramel- drizzled cup of nonsense,” The Starbucks Snob is a walking contradiction and they know it. We’re looking at you Gold Card members.
What they’re really sipping on: When they’re not sitting in Starbucks for hours for the free Wi-Fi, they’re at your local bar sipping a Gin cocktail while obnoxiously stating how we’re in the middle of the Gin Renaissance.
The McDonald’s Maven
Desperate times call for desperate measures and there’s no better matchup to some hangover hash browns than a McDonald’s coffee. While for most of us that’s a case-by-case situation, The McDonald’s Maven embraces the lifestyle and lives and breathes frappes.
What they’re really sipping on: There’s nothing wrong with ballin’ on a budget, and that’s why off-brand espresso liqueur is just what The McDonald’s Maven needs.
The Indy Influencer
If it isn’t their local spot, The Indy Influencer doesn’t wanna talk. Not only do they have their own couch (try and sit in my spot, I dare you), they’re also extremely biased against any coffee that isn’t made by their career-barista. Oh, and don’t even get them started on this PSL bullshit.
What they’re really sipping on: A handcrafted locally-sourced triple IPA is the only thing they swear by.
The Pour-Over Pundit
There’s definitely beauty in a gorgeously crafted cup of coffee. However, the Pour-Over Pundit can be the biggest downer your caffeine high has ever encountered. Not only does the water temperature need to be perfect, but the grounds need an exact coarseness and the stars all have to be aligned — the list goes on and on. However, the results are pretty damn tasty.
What they’re really sipping on: Absinthe is the go-to here for its extreme complexity and the romantic nature incorporating water drop by drop.