Every year, the self-help industry coaxes billions of dollars from people by promising to help them become a better version of themselves. But what if I told you that there is a better, faster, and less expensive way to self-improve?

That’s right, friends — I am talking about alcohol.

Now, some of you may think that it sounds like I have a drinking problem. Wrong! I have a drinking SOLUTION. And so can you. Read on to see how alcohol reliably helps you win friends, influence people, and awaken the giant within.

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It makes you more open to new experiences

Have you ever done something while tipsy that you would not have done sober? That is probably because you were embodying the Buddhist concept of sunyata, or openness. This is what makes you step out of your rut and learn a new skill, make a new friend, or find a fresh start. Sometimes it involves ordering a potter’s kiln off Amazon at 3 a.m., but it’s all part of the process of self-improvement.

It makes you a better communicator

It’s hard to spin a line of bullshit when you’re four tequilas deep. When we impair the tongue, we free the truth. I think that’s a Buddhist thing, too, maybe.

It makes you funnier

You know all those slightly evil thoughts in your head? The ones you never say out loud, because people might think you’re not as nice as you pretend to be? I bet some of those are really funny. Trust me, no one came up with “camel toe” after a night of drinking Diet Coke. (Also sometimes you fall down, and that’s fucking GOLD.)

It makes you sexier

I’m not even talking about beauty in the eye of the beer-holder. The more attractive you FEEL, the more attractive you APPEAR. Confidence is sexy. (There, now you don’t have to read The Game You’re welcome.)

It makes you braver

You know the phrase “liquid courage”? The same thing that helps you get on stage at a karaoke bar might just be the thing that takes the edge off terrifying acts like asking out your crush, starting your own business, or finally getting rid of that plaid cape.

It makes you kinder

I know the stereotype of a drunk is angry and morose, but most people I know get nicer the more they drink. They become more forgiving, more affectionate, and more supportive. Nowhere will you experience a level of sisterhood higher than in the women’s room at a bar at 1 a.m. on a Friday night.

It makes you MONEY. (EAT IT, Kiyosaki!)

Did you know that, in most bars, the third or fourth drink is almost always a buy back? That’s PURE PROFIT.

It’s less embarrassing to consume alcohol than to read a self-help book in public

I know, I know, I promised you seven and delivered eight. That’s just the kind of successful, highly effective person that YOU can be too, if you follow my program.