One of the best things about Halloween is that there’re so many different ways to celebrate. Even though the oh-so-famous Halloween party is the road most taken, going out is an easy option for those who refuse to host a swarm of witches in their apartments.
But beware, just as you should second guess all summer camps (thanks, Jason), going out on Halloween is a spectacle and you should prepare for the following stages:
Stage 1. Getting Ready
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What to drink: Big Batch Spiked Cider Cocktail.
The night is still young and your costume is on fleek. While your friends are still crowded at the mirror trying to get the ~perfect~ smoky eye for their “Sexy Harambe” costume, you’re knocking back another cup of 100-percent fall deliciousness. Tonight is going to be a damn good night.
Stage 2. The Ride There
What to drink: Abstain because spilling in this Uber is going to cost you.
How you and your four friends got into this Honda Civic is beyond us, but you didn’t have to bump up to the XL Uber and that takes skill. Sure, Betty’s butterfly wings may be a little dented but it’s nothing a little tape and your spooky companions can’t fix.
Stage 3. Costume Malfunction #1
What to drink: Coffee Cocktail.
Looks like cramming the four of you in that Honda Civic to save some cash up front wasn’t the best idea. When Heather was scooching out of the Honda her floor-length Hogwarts robe got caught on Macy’s heels and ripped. Get inside the bar and ask for a caffeinated concoction and a sharp knife. It’s time to “Project Runway” this ish and turn Heather’s modest magician into a sexy sorceress. Crisis averted.
Stage 4. Bar #1, The Prologue
What to drink: Specialty Halloween Cocktail That You Overpaid For.
The first bar is all about embracing the horror vibes of Halloween, and while you’re still sober enough, now is the time to enjoy a $12 craft cocktail made with liquid nitrogen to fulfill your witchy desires.
Stage 5. The Buzz Begins
What to drink: A Super Seasonal Beer.
Since that first uber-fancy cocktail completely trashed your wallet for the rest of your time at this bar, it’s time to move to a more cost-effective drink option but still take part in the seasonal spirit of festive-flavored fluids. Shoot for whatever seasonal brews they have on tap. Your wallet and taste buds will thank you.
Stage 6. Bar #2, The Rising Action
What to drink: Macro Beer or Cheaper Wine.
You and the squad have ditched the first bar to save your energy and cash for more affordable fare. Thankfully, the second bar of the night has a plethora of options that include PBR and your favorite gas-station wine, slightly marked up. But you and your three friends are just tipsy enough that when you close your eyes, your flat Merlot will taste like a fine Bordeaux.
Stage 7. The Costume Contest
What to drink: Celebration Shots.
While everybody put up a good fight, your friend Macy had the right idea going as “Sexy Harambe” because she just won the MF costume contest. We’re all a little jealous because your friend Cheryl’s boxed wine costume was PERFECT (those judges wouldn’t know art if it slapped them in the face), but at least there’s an occasion get a round of shots. So much better than candy.
Stage 8. Bar #3, The Climax
What to drink: Cheap drink you’re probably going to regret.
How did we get in this bar? Why are we ordering more drinks? Is that Heather twerking on the table? Bar #3 is a shot straight from a teen movie you’ve sworn off years ago and somehow you’re surrounded by people who are just wearing lingerie with animal ears. You’re probably wondering what the girl shouting at the bartender is even dressed up as, but don’t worry, she’s a mouse. Duh!
Stage 9. Boo’s Turn Into Wooooooo’s
What to drink: Bombs? Totes bombs.
Whatever divine power kept you and the rest of your friends behaving like real adults gave out and now you all are acting like you’re a bunch of freshmen in college. To make matters worse, your squad’s favorite song just came on, so now nothing can stop the wrath of the woo girls with a bunch of Vegas Bombs in their hands. Ugh.
Stage 10. Costume Malfunction #2
What to drink: The fumes of hatred.
It was a beautiful night. The stars were shining, the moon was just spooky enough, and with Rihanna blaring in the background what could possibly go wrong? Everything was just peachy until that bitch Britney couldn’t hold her vodka water limes anymore and poetically vommed all over your costume. Welcome to the real American Horror Story.
Stage 11. Frankenstein Escorts You Out
What to drink: Whatever is left of your dignity
Between Cheryl’s tears over her ruined costume and Heather finally being taken down from the table she was dancing on, it’s time for this Halloween horror to come to a close. Whether you like it or not, the very beefy Frankenstein bouncer is politely asking you to GTFO of this bar. Trust us, it’s for the best.
Stage 12. Spooky Scary Pizza Parlor
What to drink: The largest cup of water you can find.
As Cheryl and Heather are bawling their eyes out because they can’t find their shoes and Macy is flirting with the guy who asked about her “Sexy Harambe” costume, this night has obviously not gone according to plan, so it’s time to shove some food in your pizza-piehole and call the taxi home. What a mess.
Stage 13. Back In The Coffin We Go
What to drink: Pedialyte
Thankfully, you and the squad made it back to your respective sleeping areas without crossing any black cats. This Halloween will forever be marked in the books as successful. Time to cuddle that bag of candy you drunkenly purchased at the bodega down the block and prepare for the upcoming hangover.