The Rose Wines With The Strangest Names


2 minute Read

Rose

It’s rosé season. (OK, you know by now.) That means bottles upon bottles of anything from faint peach to Hello-Kitty-pink wine are currently cluttering store shelves, bar menus, even your own refrigerator—all tempting you to go buy something seersucker and usher your drinking habits well into the daylight hours.

Before we all succumb to the siren call of rosé (it seems less damning to drink day wine when it’s salmon-colored, because salmon is heart-healthy) let’s step back and take a look at what we’re facing. Literally.

We figured we should explore some of the rosé wine names we’ll be scouring over this season, see if there are any trends or oddities. Any concepts we should be ready for, since, whether we like it or not, our brains tend to imbibe vague cultural implications a lot more rapidly than our bodies actually imbibe the wine itself. All of this not necessarily so we can defeat our seasonal craving for pink wine (why spoil a good thing?) but maybe to find something in delicious rosé culture we can briefly shout back at (before buying the damn bottle and going home).

Dark Horse Rosé

Yeah…’cuz romance and mystery and stuff.

Stallion

21 Brix “Thirsty Elephant”

“I’m sorry, are you saying that’s what I remind you of???” (When whoever it is runs in fear, you can just chug from the bottle. Win win.)

Passion Feet “Backseat Bounce”

“I see what you’re suggesting with this bottle. Excellent. Very direct and mature of you. Let me see how I feel after seven glasses.”

Willow Creek Winery “Aunt Millie”

In all likelihood this refers to a family member within the winery circle. But it also kinda calls to mind that oft-stereotyped image of the Spinster Auntie sitting alone with a glass of pink wine in front of Jeopardy (Alex Trebek might be a humanoid robot, but it’s a decent show).

Eagle Crest Vineyards “Queen of Hearts”

Who was she again? Oh yeah, she was the batsh*t crazy one from Alice in Wonderland who was “a tyrant—violent, authoritative and dominant.” Let the metaphor sink in while you drink your wine.

Fox Run “Ruby Vixen”

Red wine might make you slightly better in the sack, but the whole wine-vixen association’s gotta stop. Most of us just want to drink our rosé on a sunny porch with someone who likes cursing as much as we do. (Upon further investigation, vixen is also the female name for a fox. Yeah, we’ve been scienced.)

Vixen

Garnacha de Fuego Rosé

Anything “de Fuego” is either automatically awesome or incredibly douchey. After a glass of this, you can decide.

Black Willow “Bare Cat” Blush

“No, you go ahead and explain what you mean by bringing me a bottle of ‘Bare Cat.’ I’ll pour myself a glass while you wipe that sweat off your forehead.”

Miles Wine Cellars “Wisteria Blush”

Sounds like the title of an erotic novel about gardening. “Just as she saw his trowel glistening in the noonday sun, she noticed her bush was almost ready for pollination.” (If you think we’re being gratuitously gross about this, just a heads up, Miles also has a wine called “Call Me A Cab.”)

Gardener

Terre di Talamo “Piano Piano”

This technically means “slowly,” which you can take as you please, though we’re going with either a. the way we like to dance to Ginuwine’s “Pony,” or b. the way we will not be drinking this rosé.

Hazlitt “Cabin Fever”

Because wine induces insanity (really, there’s a reason Dionysus was the god of wine and ritual madness—also, yeah…fertility).

Toro Loco Rosé

Toro Loco is also just the name of the winery. But still, only bring a bottle of Toro Loco to a party where you’re OK if sh*t gets entirely out of control.

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