Oh, what, your friends are being all classy, drinking wine straight from the glass? Whatever man. You got this awesome new novelty straw, and you’re going to enjoy it. OR you are currently chewing an Everlasting Gobstopper, and you’ll be damned if you’re about to stop the everlastingness.
Even if neither of those situations apply, sometimes, there’s a legit reason to drink wine through a straw. No, it doesn’t look classy, and yes, there’s a slight chance it gets you drunker, sooner. But practically speaking, a situation may come up in which you either imbibe through a small plastic tube or sit there, like a fool, drinking no wine whatsoever.
Bearing in mind we don’t advocate drinking quickly, recklessly, or using straws with hard liquor in any circumstance (there’s a reason they make those cocktail straws so narrow), here are nine situations in which nobody could blame you for drinking your delicious wine through a factory produced, bendy or non-bendy, straw.
You just got a makeover.
Maybe it was for a wedding. Maybe it was on a whim. Maybe you’re going on a date for the first time in a while and you realize you’ve been counting on that “red wine stain” to be your lipstick. Either way, you just got an honest-to-goodness makeover, and you’re not about to let a glass of wine ruin it. Who cares if the lip stain is supposed to last “48 hours to 3 years,” you’re not messing with it. Nobody can afford to mess up makeup this heavy except maybe Kylie Kardashian, and we’re pretty sure we’re not her (though apparently, you can try to be).
You just got your new veneers, or other crazy dental work.
Veneers. It’s like your teeth lying to everyone, but lying beautifully. And it cost a hell of a lot of money (average price of veneers: about $1000…per tooth). You want some wine because you feel amazing and celebratory with your new insanely shiny smile, but you’re not about to ruin it the way a normal, non-veneered person would. So you grab a straw, maybe even a straw specifically made for wine, and bask in the glow of permanent dental superiority.
You’re at a concert.
We should add, you’re at a concert where booze is permitted but they charge $11 for a 4-ish ounce glass (we’re looking at you, BottleRock), and you know more than anyone that the recession isn’t quite over, so you bring in a soda and enjoy that soda, with a straw. Because, and let’s face it, the opening act did way too much spoken word.
You just saw an ad about acid enamel erosion.
Which you’re going to remember for about a week and then forget and start chugging Pinot Grigio again. But meanwhile, yeah, that “dentist” who clearly just put on a white medical jacket for the first time in history is showing you pictures of acid-rich drinks, including soda (even diet, alas), fruit juice, and wine. You’re not about to start drinking wine, especially with all those root canal bills to think about. But you do have some old “crazy straws” in your junk drawer. Problem solved.
You’re at a Henna party.
Your friend’s getting married. Your friend is Muslim or Hindu. Very possibly you are Muslim or Hindu in which case you’re at a Mehndi party. Whatever the cause, for some reason, you have surrendered your hands to an expert Henna artist, who is currently drawing incredible filigrees and swirls of design on your hands and palms. But there’s so (so very much) crisp white wine and rosé to be consumed, because someone is getting married—and it’s “imperative for the person who is getting painted to remain very still.” So you drink with a straw, imbibing both the cultural richness and the necessary ABV to help you deal with the fact that these incredibly beautiful stains will take 1 to 3 weeks to wash away.
You were dared.
Unless it’s dangerous (and imbibing any significant quantity of alcohol quickly is dangerous, just FYI), when you’re dared to do something, you must obey. If it’s a double dog dare, well, then you’re in the movie The Sandlot and all bets are off. But if someone hands you a straw and a 187mL ounce bottle or a glass of wine, you suck. Literally.
You’re wearing braces or bleached your teeth.
Because wine can stain anything, including parts of your braces. If you’re wearing Invisalign, we have to assume that wine can sneak into the tiny crevices between teeth and wine, and if you’re going for straight teeth in adulthood chances are you want them white, or white-ish (or maybe you’re going for the glowingly bright Hollywood look). Either way, you drink your wine with a straw, grin at the braces haters, and wait for the day when you can grin at them in perfectly straight-toothed revenge and suck back a full glass of Cabernet.
You’re Bill Murray.
Somebody snapped a photo of Bill Murray drinking with straws a couple years ago, and clearly Dr. Peter Venkman was OK with it. Murray needs little excuse to do pretty much of anything, although we hope he doesn’t actually do pretty much of anything, we’re glad he feels as free as we do about ushering the straw into the heady intoxication of adult night life. Murray went for two straws, which definitely increased the rapidity of intoxication. Then again, he’s a scientist.
You’re Mi Yeon.
OK, so we don’t watch a lot of Korean soap operas, but somebody out there does, and they’re really pissed at the plot twists. However, they’re also celebrating South Korean actress Mi Yeon’s reaction to it all (or her character’s reaction to it all): drinking wine with a straw. Honestly, if you go on a “hunting expedition with people you suspect are trying to kill you,” or were forced to be OK with the sudden transformation of a sports car into a van (we have to watch this show), you’d be drinking wine through a straw, too.
