We all have college regrets.
One Friday night, my best friend and I swore that we were going to stay in and watch movies instead of going out to the bars. But after being coerced (screamed at over FaceTime) by my friend’s older sister, we walked from our apartment to the bar.
I remember three things from that night.
1. We got to the insanely crowded bar and decided we were going to leave in 30 minutes.
2. My friend and I were handed multiple Fireball/Rumple Minz shots by my friend’s sister.
3. We had a meltdown walking home, and after drunkenly crying in a parking lot for 15 minutes, sat on the couch and ate a Costco-sized bag of pizza rolls.
Thanks to that night, I cannot chew a piece of Big Red gum or use peppermint mouthwash without dry heaving for 10 minutes.
We all have college [drinking] regrets, and we hope these 19 drinks never grace our lips again.
Never trust a blue motherfucker because if it’s blue going down it’s bound to be blue coming back up. RIP bar parking lots everywhere.
Dead Turtle Shots
Pickle juice and hot sauce sounds like a solid brunch hangover drink, but after two or three of these plus a basket of cheese sticks the world starts spinning and all that is holy is lost. Plus, the name is kind of fucked up — turtles are awesome.
Vegas Bombs/Jager Bombs/Sake Bombs
Anything with a “bomb” in the name should be a red flag, but in the heat of the moment it seemed so right. Another round of 2-for-1 bombs later, you’re bitch-slapping your best friend and screaming across the bar.
Mike’s Hard Lemonade
The drink for those still mentally in high school, Mike’s Hard just screams freshman year and the crippling headache that follows you to your English 101 class the next morning.
Any drink that requires you to get down on one knee and shoot the entire thing was not meant to be consumed. The internet is forever, and those photos of you “icing” yourself are never going to go away.
2 + 1/2 Bottles of Charles Shaw Cabernet
It’s known across the country as Two-Buck Chuck for a reason. If you didn’t chuck your post-breakup cookies, you most definitely chucked up all of your feelings. Tons of tears to go around.
Chad may have been a total sweetheart when you were studying for your government class, but he’s no mixologist. Hunch Punch recipes may come and go, but Everclear-induced choices last forever.
Fireball in any/all capacities
“OH MY GOD IT TASTES LIKE CANDY.”
Those were the last words of a basic white girl who went out with us sophomore year. We never saw her again.
Fuck efficiency, a Long Island Ice Tea is a one-way ticket to taking your shirt off and face- planting on a grimy picnic table. Also, there’s no tea in it #falseadvertising
There’s a reason this shit was illegal. End of story.
Vodka + SunnyD
If your higher-education experience didn’t involve your drinking copious amounts of liquor slightly tinted an orange color through a drop of artificial citrus beverage, did you even college, bro?
A true college staple, it’s hard to imagine a kegger without the iconic Natural Light. However, it’s also a complete waste of calories and absolutely repulsive.
Barefoot Pink Moscato
Is it wine? Is it juice? How do they make it so pink? These are all questions we should have asked, but alas, we chugged it down with a straw anyway.
Tequila + Sprite
The drink of all “I like tequila, tequila just doesn’t like me” people across the nation.
When I asked my friend about the Colt 45 lifestyle, he said, “Instead of thinking about all the money you’re saving, you should worry about all of the respect you’re losing.” Somebody put that on a tombstone.
There’s a reason this is disgustingly cheap and often drowned in Coke — it’s gross. Don’t even get us started on the “honey” flavor.
A box of Franzia
Every time a bag of Franzia is slapped by a fraternity guy an angel loses its wings.
When you’re in college, there’s nothing supremely scary about that big ol’ plastic bottle of flavored vodka (SO many options) but after a few swigs from a repurposed Smart Water bottle at a tailgate… here’s to never drinking anything cherry-flavored again.
Cheap Well + Red Bull
In the moment, it all makes sense. It’s 2 a.m., you’re tired AF, and the need to rally has never been stronger. Then you black out and wake up in a Waffle House parking lot with one shoe missing.