They say there’s no better pairing than wine and cheese, and while we’re the first to admit that we love a solid bottle and cheese platter, it’s debatable to say that wine is the superior alcoholic beverage of choice to pair with cheese. No matter what we’ve drunk too much of, be it beer, tequila, or whiskey, we still find ourselves in that hazy state of hunger that only cheese can satisfy. As it turns out, there really is a cheese for every type of a drunk. We’ve compiled a list of some our favorite alcohol and cheese marriages for those nights when you’ve had just a little too much and suffer from a gaping hunger hole that only cheese can satisfy.
Beer Drunk – Spicy Cheese Dip (with soft pretzel bites)
After liters of your favorite IPA or Dunkel Lager, what sounds better than fishing soft baked pretzel bites out of gooey cheese dip? The combination of carbs and cheese is perfect for soaking up the suds and will leave you feeling full and satiated (and probably pretty damn bloated). With the amount of mincing and chopping that goes into making this dip homemade, we advise you TO prepare it before your night out on the town — because beer drunk and sharp knives are definitely a pairing to avoid. Too lazy to take the homemade route? No problem. Pretzel twists and cheese in a can will probably work just fine.
Red Wine Drunk – Juicy Cheddar Burgers
We’re taking it right back to the OG of pairings with a cheesy twist; red wine, red meat. Who says you need to order that classy cut of steak to pair with your fine bottle of red? Soak that bottle up with an equally delicious (and more affordable) pairing of an Angus beef burger with cheese. Cheesy burgers can go many a direction, though this time, we’re choosin’ cheddar. The sharp, tangy bite of cheddar cheese meshes perfectly with a full bodied, velvety Cab or smooth and luscious Merlot. Red wine, red meat. And cheese. Lots of it.
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Tequila Drunk – Loaded Nachos or Quesadillas
Ah, tequila drunk. Our favorite type of drunk. The kind that makes you extra loud and rambunctiously wild — you might even find yourself dancing atop a table or two. After all those moves you didn’t realize you could bust, there’s certain to be a cheese craving in your bones somewhere (gotta replenish those burned-off dancing calories somehow). What better pairing than an oozing four cheese quesadilla with that salt-rimmed jalapeño margarita? Or, if you’re feelin’ really sloppy, go hard or go home with the loaded nachos, guaranteed to be bursting with fresh sour cream, chunky guacamole, and at least two types of melty cheesy goodness. Polish it off with a shot of Patrón. To that we say, ole!
Bourbon Drunk – Macaroni and Cheese
We’re going full-blown ‘Murica on this one. While Poland has vodka, Mexico has tequila, and Puerto Rico has tum, America’s claim to boozy fame is bourbon. Bourbon finds its roots down south in Kentucky, also home to good ol’ southern comfort food. Sure, fried chicken and catfish po’ boys abound, but let’s be real: we’re in it for the side dishes. And macaroni and cheese is king of the sides. While bourbon and mac and cheese may not be one of your classier boozy cheese pairings, we dare you to challenge the gastronomical pleasures of barrel-aged bourbon and creamy mac au gratin. Too lazy to whip up this homemade concoction after a couple tumblers of your favorite bourbon? We’re sure microwavable Kraft Easy Mac will work just fine. Land of the cheese, home of the bourbon craze.
Dessert Wine Drunk – Bomb-Ass Cheese Plate
The classiest drunk of them all. We’re talking Sauternes, Port, Madeira … all the finer drinks in life. What better way to end a meal than a bomb-ass glass of dessert wine and cheese plate? A classic pairing indeed, there’s no better marriage than dessert wine and blue cheese. The honeyed, syrupy texture of a residual sugar-packed dessert wine is the ideal component for the tangy creaminess of Roquefort or Gorgonzola. Looking for something off the beaten path? Spring for a Banyuls or Rivesaltes, two dessert wines from the Languedoc region of France, both packed with flavor for significantly less dollarage than most Ports or Sauternes. Though if you really wanna stay classy, spring for the liquid gold from Bordeaux with that Roquefort — your inner aristocrat will thank you.