Valentine’s Day really messes with us as a society. Whether you’re just starting a relationship or you’ve been together for basically forever, there’s a lot of pressure on making Feb. 14 one of the most memorable days of the year.

That pressure impacts our actions immensely, especially when you throw alcohol into the equation. It may be the day of Cupid, but we doubt he signed up to deal with these lovebirds/monsters.

The Lovey Dovey

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What They’re Doing: The Lovey Dovey is the definition of doing the most on Valentine’s Day. The whole 24 hours is just full of pink and hearts and “Isn’t so-and-so just the best valentine ever?” There are boxes of chocolates stacked to the ceiling, rose petals leading to the bedroom… It’s a total cliché. We’re vomiting just thinking about it.
What They’re Drinking: A top-shelf Pinot Noir that’s been aging in the wine fridge – just like their love.

The Forgetful

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What They’re Doing: Lord help The Forgetful because they totally just dropped the ball on this whole Valentine’s Day ordeal. On their way home from work, they were completely unfazed by the crowds around Trader’s floral section, the lines at the ~hip~ restaurants, and the overwhelming air of romance in the air. It’s going to be a long night.
What They’re Drinking: Gas station Cabernet Sauvignon that TOTALLY pairs nicely with the king-sized Hershey bar they snatched before running home.

The Hater

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What They’re Doing: The Valentine’s Day Hater has taken counterculture so far that it’s just as gross as the Lovey Dovey couple. Generally reserved for those who are single to the highest degree, The Hater uses Feb. 14 as a day to wear all black and bitch and whine about being #foreveralone.
What They’re Drinking: Who needs love when whiskey wells are half price at happy hour, amirite?

The High-Key Diva

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What They’re Doing: They’ve had the whole day planned for months, with every detail projected onto a color-coded Gantt chart. There is no room for error in the High-Key Diva’s celebration of love, and those who try to shift those plans ever so slightly better prepare for the fire and brimstone to follow.
What They’re Drinking: Champagne with organic, small-batch, chocolate-covered strawberries shipped straight from Europe.

The Low-Key Diva

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What They’re Doing: The Low-Key Diva has is not to be underestimated. Sure, they say they’re “go with the flow” on Valentine’s Day and are perfectly fine with just going to Waffle House for dinner, but the Low-Key Diva needs the night to be cute enough for the perfect Instagram pic. In this game of #RelationshipGoals it’s all about who looks like they tried the least.
What They’re Drinking: Frozen strawberry margaritas that pair beautifully with Taco Bell takeout.

The Thirst Trap

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What They’re Doing: Taking a page out of the Mariah Carey handbook, the Thirst Trap is all about catching the eyes of everyone this Valentine’s Day. Armed with a quality smartphone camera and GOOD bathroom lighting, the Thirst Trap is going to blow up your Insta feed like no other, with smoldering selfies, {sexy} mirror pics, and borderline-suggestive snaps with a pepperoni pizza.
What They’re Drinking: Whatever bottle of wine has a heart on the label.

The Actual Thirsty One

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What They’re Doing: While the Thirst Trap is doing everything they can to get noticed, the Actual Thirsty One is dying to get their hands on a drink because Valentine’s day is rough. Whether they’ve been scorned by an old love or just wanted to take this opportunity to get absolutely sloshed in the name of love, it’s going to be a complete shit show.
What They’re Drinking: A handle of vodka they found in the back of the freezer because if that’s not romance, what is?

The Cry Baby

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What They’re Doing: The Cry Baby loves Valentine’s Day because it’s a reason to break out crowd favorites such as “Titanic,” “Romeo + Juliet,” and even “About Time.” For them it’s all about taking their heartstrings and RIPPING THEM TO SHREDS as they wail and mope about all things romance. Booze is bountiful in these situations as they spend hours on the couch crying into an Anthropologie throw pillow while sipping wine through a straw.
What They’re Drinking: A magnum of Chardonnay that doubles as a cuddle buddy because “Moulin Rouge” is REALLY hitting hard right now.