Time and time again, I hear from teachers about how rewarding their jobs are. Educating the future of tomorrow is a pretty big task, so let’s give a brief round of applause to teachers everywhere.
But let’s not forget that being a teacher has its own migraine-inducing problems. You could have the most stunning classroom (with a gigantic window and two bulletin boards) but still have a few reasons to pour a large glass of vino at night.
Let’s just cut to the chase. Sure, they can be absolutely adorable, but students can also be the absolute worst. They’re all bundles of fire who will either shine bright like a beacon toward the future or will burn every inch of your classroom down.
Don't Miss A DropGet the latest in beer, wine, and cocktail culture sent straight to your inbox.
No matter what subject or age you teach, you’ll always find these students setting foot in your class ready to try your life — and they owe you a bottle of wine for it.
The Athlete – Syrah
Known for putting off school work because of practice (obviously more important), The Athlete comes in all shapes and sizes but in the end wants to turn your perfectly decorated classroom into their jungle gym. Whether it’s stopping Timmy from using the whiteboard eraser as a football or trying to get Meg to cut out the cartwheels in the middle of class, their parents owe you a heavy Syrah for the times you try to wrangle them in from recess.
The Diva – Pinot Grigio
The Diva is the student who walks into your classroom with their sunglasses on and slams their stuff on the desk armed with a glare only a Real Housewife could love. They’re the ones always ready to turn a relaxed class discussion about Dr. Suess into a sarcastic smackdown — what does the Lorax even know about saving the world anyway? It’s bad enough that even their parents know the sass is too real, so expect a Pinot Grigio on your desk soon.
The Daydreamer – Merlot
While there is no better feeling than getting lost in a good thought, The Daydreamer is soon going to have to understand that those thoughts aren’t going to help them on the upcoming multiplication table quiz. No matter how many times you tell them to focus, nothing could distract them from the poster hanging up behind your head. Take a note from them and mentally wander off with a beautiful Merlot.
The Social Butterfly – Rosé
Meet The Social Butterfly — the expert on passing notes, constantly chatting it up with their their neighbors and sending constant Snapchats with the deer filter on. The Social Butterfly doesn’t have time to keep up with your class because there are obviously conversations to be had. This begs the question: who in their right mind gave this kid a cell phone and what could he possibly be texting about all class long? You’ll need a refreshing Rosé to deal with all the chatter.
The Try Hard – Cabernet Sauvignon
Let’s preface this with the fact that there is nothing wrong with working hard in school. Actually, those who dedicate 100-percent effort to their school work are truly the best students you will find. However, The Try Hard is no such student. Most likely the child of the PTA president, The Try Hard asks so many obnoxious questions (that they already know the answers to) and aspires to make your classroom theirs to rule. Not even the class fish (which they named) is safe from their wrath. Have faith though, a tall glass of Cabernet will make it all worth it.
The Red-Handed Liar – Zinfandel
Kids will say almost anything to get out of doing work, but none of them have the persistence of The Red-Handed Liar. “You didn’t say we had homework.” “We never read that chapter.” “But you told us you would move the test because The Emmy’s were on!” Sadly, they can’t figure out that the lesson plans never lie and that nothing will get them out of a geography quiz — unless a beautiful bottle of Zinfandel appears on the desk. Then we’ll talk.
The Desk Musician – Malbec
If you give a kid a clicky pen the world will burst into flames. The Desk Musician takes advantage of anything they can get their hands on to tap on the desk to whatever magic tune is stuck in their head. It’s always the smallest things that are the most annoying, and who would’ve guessed a Pilot G2 would be your worst enemy? Succumb to the music and crack open a Malbec.
The Artist – Riesling
Often friends with The Desk Musician, The Artist lives and breathes to doodle all over their notes, your tests and, better yet, your freshly cleaned desks. Flowers and sunshine scenes surround the math quiz they didn’t study for and somehow they always have paint in their hair. While they aren’t disrupting the class like The Social Butterfly, it’s distracting enough to see them spending the whole class coloring instead of actually listening to your words of wisdom. Maybe they can draw a beautiful label to go on this Riesling.
The Klutz – Chardonnay
Cleanup on row two. The Klutz is a walking train wreck of a student who manages to spill and knock over everything you’ve ever loved. Pencil case? On the floor. Stack of graded papers? Now being stepped on by other students. The Weeble Wobble that was minding its own business on your desk? R.I.P. You’re going to want a heavy Chardonnay as you redo your now-ripped-to shreds bulletin board.
The Teacher’s Pet – Pinot Noir
Often mixed up with The Try Hard, the teacher’s pet is on another level. Again, everybody should always appreciate students who take extra care to be respectful to their teachers (and do it with a smile), but these little kiss- asses take it too far. Often found doing whatever they can to get extra credit they really don’t deserve and begging for special treatment, these students need to give you some space. Thankfully, no love is lost, especially if a bottle of Pinot Noir is involved.
The Sickly Student – Vodka
Let’s be honest, The Sickly Student didn’t ask for this. It’s not their fault that every other week they have strep or are coughing their guts out all over the place. In fact, the problem here is most likely an overbearing mother forcing them to come to your classroom. Either way, Timmy needs to learn how to cover his cough and to remember a box of tissues to keep on his desk. It might be good to keep a bottle of vodka nearby, you know, for disinfecting.