The Kind of Drunk You’ll Be at Your Wedding Based on Your Dress

It all starts with a mimosa; a single drink to start the day of the wedding. The first drink takes the edge off the whole “till death do we part” ordeal of a bride’s wedding.

However, setting the tone of the wedding is a completely different story. Forget about the theme (barnyard chic), the color scheme (oxblood with fall hues), and the favors (little Mason jars filled with apple pie moonshine) because the entire atmosphere of the event comes down to one thing — the dress.

There’s a reason why brides cry the minute they see themselves in the dress because the dress isn’t just another dress; the dress is a window to their soul that shows their personality better than anything else can. Add a few drinks to the bride in the dress and you will soon find that they all carry similarities. These dresses are iconic, and they’re ready to have and hold another drink.

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The Ball Gown – The Princess

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Cinderella ain’t got shit on the ball gown bride and after a few too many glasses of Champagne, it’s only going downhill from there. She’ll soon adopt an intense mentality that all the wedding guests/peasants are there to fulfill her every waking need, but that’s O.K. because she’s the bride, dammit, and we’re all just subjects in her Pinterest board kingdom. To conclude, she’s high maintenance AF but it’s O.K. because once the clock strikes 12 she’ll be ready for bed anyway.

The Sheath – The Boss

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A tipsy bride in a sheath dress is a force to be reckoned with and a fight is most definitely to be expected. She forgets the shade the mother-in-law may throw her way throughout the day because when she’s rocking the sheath dress, no one can tell her what to do. She owns the smolder as she glides along the dance floor with old Manhattan class and martini(s) in hand. She’s the baddest bitch to ever toss a bouquet with such grace that nothing can bring her down.

The Mermaid – The Chair Dancer

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The bridal beauty in the mermaid dress made a miscalculation because walking around in that stunning gown is impossible. There’s no raining on her parade, though, because she’s going to pull a move out of “freshly legal handbook” and get jiggy with it from the comfort of her dining chair. It’s time to pop open that sparkling rosé and “sprinkler” to marital greatness.

The Trumpet – The Model

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Nobody makes the chapel her runway like the trumpet dress bride. The minute she gets a cosmo in her veins she turns into a center-spread Tyra posing for Insta’s left and right (with the wedding hashtag #obvi). But the model look doesn’t often bring model behavior as the trumpet bride often shares a similar mindset as the ball gown bride. After all, she’s not here to make friends — she’s here to get married/win.

The A Line – The Runner

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Everyone knows a drunk runner and you better believe her wedding boards are filled with A-line dresses because this wedding is about to become a game of “catch the drunk bride before she takes another tequila shot.” Halfway through the reception, she’s going to toss up the deuces so her new husband can chase her to the ends of the earth. How romantic.

The Tea Length – The Wanderer

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Not to be confused with the A-line bride, the Tea Length bride is like Alice who just fell down the rabbit hole. She’s curious and desperately afraid of her future. After snatching a bottle of gin from the bar cart, she just happens to go missing right before the ceremony starts. Whether she goes through with the wedding will probably depend on how much of the juniper potion she’s been sipping on. One thing is for sure: The mother-in-law is going to turn into the red queen if she doesn’t pull it together and make it back from Wonderland.

The Mini – The Woo Girl

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Let’s cut to the chase — the minidress bride didn’t get it all out during the bachelorette party and is taking the whole ~wedding~ opportunity to turn this barn into an Ibiza nightclub. A bottle of vodka in hand, this is a night guests will remember (and maybe wish to forget). Just wait until Grandma Betty gets on the table with the minidress bride dropping it low to some Missy Elliot throwback jams. You’re going to want to get that ish on Snapchat.