This week, Jake goes out with comedian Michelle Collins. The two discuss secret shopping for restaurants, going out on cruise ships, and their mutual love of London. Tune in for more.

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Jake Cornell: I have this weird portable one. If you can see me when we do your show, like sometimes you’ll be talking, and I’m realizing I’ve somehow ended up upside down on my couch talking to you and I’m like, what if the camera was on it looks so — because it feels like I’m just on the phone in high school gabbing with a friend just like cord wrapped around.

Michelle Collins: That’s what it is.

J: No, 100 percent.

M: We’re putting this in the pod. Put this in the pod when you talk about the chef.

J: Are we recording? Perfect.

M: No, but that’s what it is. Actually, I had a mic like yours or I had I guess you call it a stand in the biz. I don’t like it because I move so much, and this also makes me feel like I’m performing. If it’s here, I feel very static because I have to keep my head still here.

J: No, and in general, the thing I’m actually really working on is I feel like I’ve noticed that I have this posture. I’m very this, like neck bent at the back and I’m really trying to get better about bending forward. I think having a mic like that is going to be good for me.

M: I love this. This one’s a little bit on the fritz, I genuinely my parents have one waiting for me at the house where I have all my delivery sent. I hope we don’t put this in. Anyway, I’m 41. Hi, let’s start.

J: My angel. We record the intro separately so we can just gab, gab, gab. Hi. It’s funny to talk like — so for the listener to understand, we’re coming towards the end of 2022, and I have to say without any exaggeration, one of my favorite nights out in the year was with Michelle Collins yesterday.

M: I’m going to say 100 percent same. I actually thought you were going to take it bigger than what you just said. I thought you’re going to say we’re coming to the end of the year, and one of the greatest things to happen to me was befriending Michelle Collins.

J: That is true.

M: We had a night out where everything went perfectly, which is for me just, I don’t know how to put it, but that’s what I know that we’re touched with an angel and by an angel.

J: Absolutely. Even what technically went wrong, went right. Do you know what I mean?

M: Oh, in the best way. I always look at things through that funny, you have to have a side eye to look through things and that funny thing. We went to see a show at Royal Albert Hall. We’ve talked about this on your show.

J: For the listener, if you’re listening to my show and not Michelle’s show, you need to get your life together because Michelle’s show is the greatest show out there.

M: We’re tied for greatest show. I just said before we started, why are we not pitching a show me and Jake?

J: We really need to get on that. I’m going to start drafting. That’ll be my holiday project.

M: We really need to. I do nothing. I’m in an Airbnb in Miami. I’m living the Florida project right now. My kids are running around without shoes on. Who’s mom? We don’t know. They’re-

J: We need to get you a TLC show where you rate Airbnb’s. You just-

M: Oh, well by the way, there should just be a TLC show of the transcripts of me calling Airbnb to complain about all this sh*t. The one time in London where I had got an Airbnb and I got to the place and the guy was like, “Sorry, it’s not going to be ready till later because we’re cleaning it.” I was obviously annoyed because I had all my sh*t with me.

J: No, it’s so annoying, you have the f*cking bags. You’re like, “I just want to put these down.”

M: I just want to go to bed. I got to the place and not only hadn’t it been cleaned, it’s so nauseating, but the entire apartment was covered in little hairs. I remember that the chair had back hair on it. I called and then there was a party next door and I was just so pissed. A little tip for your listeners, I’ve told this on my show that if you get to an Airbnb and something is amiss, and you know it’s the kind of thing where I just was like, I hate this f*cking apartment. It had nothing in it. Like it just felt-

J: No, I know exactly what you mean.

M: -like this shell apartment. I was like, I was by myself. What am I doing here? I called. I got a guy God knows where. Definitely not Indiana, someone, who knows. He was so nice and he goes, “You should leave now. If you want to get your money back, I recommend you don’t stay the night because if you stay one night —” it’s like a “Simpsons” episode. You know when Mr. Burns’ haunted castle, if you can survive the night, you’re fine.

J: You’re locked in.

M: He goes, you should leave now because that way you’ll get your money back and he was absolutely right. That’s my tip. If you don’t like a place, don’t stay the night. Don’t stay it out.

J: That’s smart. You can find something else. The Airbnb I stayed at when I went to London in May, amazing. One of the best Airbnb’s I’ve ever stayed at I have to say. If you’re ever looking for a two bedroom in the Barbican, it was great. It’s central. If you’re trying to do all the touristy sh*t, which we were doing because I was with my mom, it was like-

M: Yes, your mom is so cute. I saw the pictures.

J: I know it was her birthday yesterday. So cute.

M: Happy birthday

J: I’m so pissed. My dad calls me this morning and he goes, “Hey are you watching this storm?” I go “No dad, I don’t track the weather.” I’m sorry, that’s not the kind of person I am. I’m not tracking incoming weather, I’m really taking what’s happening outside the house as it comes. I love to protest the rain. I never bring an umbrella. Not great.

M: Really?

J: I’m bad about that. I’m trying to get better about it.

M: I love umbrellas. I’m shocked.

J: I’m surprised you like umbrellas as a tall person because I’m constantly in New York trying to prevent, not lose a f*cking eye because the shorts have umbrellas at my eye level. Do you know what I’m saying?

M: I’m the Sugar Ray Leonard of umbrellas. I’m Bob, I weave. I’m very, very good and also by the way me having an umbrella is not going to change getting an eye poked out. Why should I be getting wet while also maimed?

J: That’s fair. Apparently, all my holiday plans are about to get f*cked by what my dad described as the storm of the century hitting New England this weekend. We’ll see how that goes.

M: It’s called Elliot. Wait, so you’re supposed to go home this weekend?

J: This is why I’m such a scrooge. Just because I love my family. If my family’s listening, this is not me acting like you’re a burden, but divorce family, there’s multiple locations. Every Christmas is a tour of New England. I’m flying to Boston, we’re going to Connecticut, we’re going back to Massachusetts, we’re going to Vermont. It’s ridiculous.

M: That is horrible.

J: I’m supposed to fly to Boston on Friday apparently, which my dad says is when the eye of the storm is heading Boston. I’m like, “Do I move my flight? That sounds like a pain in the ass. I don’t know what to do.”

M: You know what, sometimes with travel, things like that because a friend of mine, Ben is supposed to drive down with his partner to Kentucky from Connecticut. I was speaking to him and he’s also like, “We can’t go.” My opinion because that’s where I first learned about the storm as well because I’m in Miami where everyone is just totally on prescription medication. No one knows what’s going on in the country. He was like, “Yes, Christmas is basically canceled. I really think so for most of the country.” I said to him, “If I were you —” in a way he’s lucky because he didn’t have a flight.

J: The thing is, I just can’t be the one to make the call because I did a thing last year that no one loved, which was about 20 seconds after we finished opening presents, I took a Covid test and was positive, after the insiders.

M: Was that one of your gifts? The last one you opened?

J: I was like let me just take this. No, I knew I had Covid, I could feel it. I was like “I have Covid. I took the test,” ruined Christmas for literally everyone.

M: Did anybody else get it in the house?

J: No, but there was that five-day period because my grandparents were there. There was this five-day period of fear. This year I can’t be the one to cancel again. We’ll see. If I die in a plane crash, I’ll be pissed.

M: You won’t die. It’s like a grim reaper hood. It’s weird. You keep opening it, huh? It’s funny you say that because when I traveled with my friend Dave this summer, we found out he — I hope I didn’t just like Covid out him because he didn’t really tell anyone, but he tested positive and I never got it.

J: It was such a crush.

M: We were staying in a room together.

J: We went out, we had one of the best nights ever, which really made me know that your — it locked you in as someone I will trust to go out with for the rest of my life. Anytime.

M: That’s really nice.

J: Do you know what I mean? You get it. Did you grow up going to restaurants? I feel like yes.

M: That’s a hilarious question because I feel like, yes, but it makes me sound so privileged. We would have a standing reservation at TGI Fridays every week. That’s real. The TGI Fridays PS which closed. I’m from a place in Florida, not born here, but from Aventura, Florida. I was born in Miami Beach. We moved here when I was 10. That’s actually where I am right now. There is a TGI Fridays at our Aventura Mall where I ended up working at the J Crew there, so did my mom. If you’ve ever shopped at the Aventura Mall, J Crew, you know my mom. My mom’s a local celebrity. She’s very glamorous. Everyone’s obsessed with her, total narcissist. Love her to death, but she’s an absolute lunatic. Anyway, but there was the Fridays and we used to go every week to Fridays, because my mom was also big on table manners for my brother and I. It was very much fork and knife sitting, behaving like that was a big thing for us but that Friday has many memories. It’s one of the reasons we changed my last name because I’m a Jewish person and my last name is Collins because of Collins Avenue. We would go to Fridays and my mom would give our last name to the hostess and she would go, pardon? Week in, week out my mom eventually was like, I can’t have them yell out because my last name was pronounced Cikk. Isn’t that funny? C-I-K-K, but it was really supposed to be pronounced Sikh. Everyone said Sikh under because they knew how to read and that’s what it was spelled right. My mom was like, every time they say sick party of four, I die. We ended up, it sounds fun now because Sikh has a new meeting these days, but at the time it was like, oh my God, and we changed, because of Fridays, we changed our last name to Collins. Yes, I grew up going to restaurants.

J: That’s such a beautiful-

M: Did you not?

J: No, I did. We were a big restaurant family and nothing fancy, but definitely because also on my mom’s side, there’s no cooks. No one cooks. We went out a week. We had different ones. We had this big one called Dave’s that was by the airport in Providence and it was a sports bar. That was very much our vibe. There was a different restaurant for different things. There was Dave’s by the airport for a casual, we’re all just going out for dinner or lunch. There was a restaurant called Twin Oaks. That was the Italian restaurant where they didn’t let women work.

M: I like the sound of that.

J: They don’t allow women to serve there. They have to now, I feel like at this point. Actually, everyone that goes there is so f*cking old. I don’t think they heard about me too or anything like that. I don’t think anything progressive has reached there.

M: I’m just thinking of what Twin Oaks could possibly mean. Like big manly legs. How could it possibly relate to gender?

J: I don’t know. There’s two big oak trees in front of the restaurant, which is why it’s called that.

M: Oh, that would make sense. What did they used to be men? Did they used to be something that was there-

J: Was two men that blocked all the women from entering then eventually turned to trees.

M: They worked for so long they’re just big old trees. I’m like, are the trees wearing the most beautiful black vest?

J: It’s also cash only. It’s like an old-school Italian restaurant. One time when my great-grandmother was really old, two of my cousins were visiting her in the nursing home. She was like, “Do you know what, guys? I’m going to take you to Twin Oaks right now.” They were like, “Oh my God, that’s so nice.” They get in the car and they take her to Twin Oaks. They do a whole full lunch, whatever. At the end of the lunch, her 93-year-old, she’s like, “Boys, it was so nice of you to take me out to lunch.” Neither of them have any cash, so one of them had to be like, “I’m going to the bathroom” and had to drive to the bank. This is pretty-

M: Oh my God.

J: -sneaky get cash because this woman forgot she invited them out to lunch.

M: How do you feel about that? This is a great question. When you get invited to lunch by someone, not a friend, oh, what are you doing? I’m talking about like, “Jake, I would love to see films” by an older person or something like that.

J: Absolutely.

M: You expect the check to be taken care of.

J: If someone uses the language, “Let me take you. I want to take you to lunch,” I would assume they’re paying. I would never not be prepared to pay.

M: You always have to be prepared to pay of course.

J: You have to be but I would assume if someone said, “Let me take you to lunch” then when the check came, they were expecting you to split it, I’d be like, “Oh, that was a weird choice of words then.” You know what I mean?

M: Yes.

J: It would probably piss me off. Otherwise, if someone was like, “I would love to get lunch,” then I would assume we’re splitting. What about you? What are your feelings on this?

M: It depends on the circumstance. I just feel like I’ve been in situations where I’ve gone to a lunch thinking 100 percent — I feel like now I’m like a horrible example of the Jewish religion because I’m not remotely a cheap person that will literally buy lunch for everybody. I pop my card down left and right. I don’t care. It’s more of a principle for me. It’s not the money. It’s like, oh, especially if it’s a guy or whatever. Not even on a date situation but just there are just certain power dynamics. I feel that when I show up for lunch and I don’t want to give specific examples because I just don’t want certain people after me or mad at me. I had a lunch, let’s call in the past five years. I’m looking around because I don’t want to pinpoint it to a date where I showed up assuming for sure because it was almost like a favor that I went, if that makes sense. I went, and it was a very expensive restaurant. Then the check came. This person had 900 drinks. I don’t know if it was in a drunken decision or whatever, but somehow, I ended up dropping $200.

J: I’d be pissed. No, I’d be f*cking pissed.

M: Pissed, because it wasn’t even — I had a salad and a wine, and I’m going, “Now, how the f*ck am I paying $200?” The problem was not even that. It was that I didn’t even want to be there. It was like, if I had the best time and I wanted to be there, that’s one thing. If I’m doing a favor, I don’t want to get into the circumstances because it will out the day and like, what?

J: No, totally. I can infer, that sucks. It happened to me recently but I did enjoy it because the person but I recently had a dinner that I thought was 100 percent going on a company card and it just wasn’t. When the check came out, I was like, “Oh, we’re splitting it.” It was like a similar thing, like fancy money. Luckily, we got similar things, so we split the price. It was the same thing. I went prepared to pay, but assuming I wasn’t and then I didn’t let it ruin my night, but I was surprised. I feel like have you ever had an expense card? That’s never been my life. I’ve never had an expense account in my life. The face you just made.

M: I think people need to know in order to understand who I am. I’ve never lost a job and gotten severance, you know what I mean? Some people are like, “Well, I got let go, but I have a year’s worth of severance.” I’m going, “What is that?” I’ve lost jobs. The whole show ends. Goodnight. It disintegrates off of my body.

J: The door kicks and they pull you off screen.

M: It’s called Three Oaks tomorrow. You’re like, “What the f*ck?” Wait. It’s Triplet Oaks.

J: They announce they let the first woman work there. It’s you. You serve me at the table.

M: I am literally a tree, though. It is triggered from one of the rings. I’m like “What are you doing?” I roll in so stupid. I’ve never, ever in my life had an expense card.

J: I just imagined Katie from Microsoft, I just imagine just you getting an email that’s like, “Hey, they’re doing season two of “Rings of Power,” and they really want you to come read for an end.”

M: Oh, my God. Wait, by the way, every night I visualize I’m secreting that email. Are you kidding me? By the way, when people are mad about non-Jewish actresses playing Jews, I’m like, “What about non-tree actresses playing trees?” Hello. Look at these shoulders bluntly sucking part. I am half oak. They do a DNA test. The sh*t comes back with splinters in it.

J: Oh, my God.

M: I’m ready to work, Jake. Enough about me. I’ve never had an expense card as a human-tree person, never once.

J: I’ve never had an expense account. I’ve never had severance. Is this true? I don’t think I’ve ever had PTO. I’ve had PTO.

M: You’ve only ever been freelance your entire life?

J: I worked in restaurants, so I never had PTO. You don’t really have PTO in restaurants. Then everything since then has been freelance, I think.

M: I have to say, that is the Kristen Way character, really well I never.

J: You’re Penelope.

M: Like you just literally pulled out Penelope. You Peneloped the sh*t out of me. This is shocking. I worked in a law firm for four years. I’ve had many PTO jobs. Never worked restaurants. That’s why I think I’m ready for the Triplet Oaks.

J: Actually, no, I was going to say I had it pretty cushy during Covid but I’m like, “No, that was unemployment. That’s different.” That was the first time I didn’t have to work and didn’t have to worry about money for sure was like when I was on unemployment for Covid.

M: Isn’t that a f*cked up American thing? That to me right now, is why I need to leave this country, because that is just not correct.

J: I’m so excited for wherever you end up next. I feel like I’m just excited for you to whatever next European nation you end up in.

M: That’s really nice. Thank you. Me too, actually. I don’t know where I have to go where people are built like me. It’s either going to be Germany or Amsterdam.

J: What’s been your favorite of the places because you’ve been traveling for the listener, Michelle has been traveling basically-

M: I’m a Covid spreader, even though I won’t let people know something.

J: No, because you go on long-term stays.

M: Say it again.

J: You do long-term stays. You’re going to a place for a month. You’re not, like bip-bopping around Europe 10 stops in a day.

M: No, I took advantage of the six months out of the year visa. I just was in London pretty much, and people were pissed because I was not in my little New York apartment, which by the way was what broke me mentally.

J: If you think Michelle Collins is who’s spreading Covid in London, you haven’t been to London because let’s talk about the city that stopped giving a sh*t about Covid two years ago.

M: Excuse me. I would be standing next to an old World War I veteran. I would have a KN 95 mask on at f*cking Waitrose. standing next to Prince Philip’s corpse, King Phillips, whatever it is, and being like, “Are you OK?”

J: That man was the living dead for a decade. It was actually unbelievable how disgusting he looked.

M: I’m telling you, reanimated like TLS and crypto. I would be at the supermarket. I remember the biggest fight I got into. This is a hilarious story in London. I’m obviously vaccinated and whatever else. Now I’m like, “Yes, breathe on me. I’ve already had Covid.” I don’t wear a mask anymore. I feel like I know why people still do. I get it. My parents do understand because they’re elderly, they have lung issues. I just am like, “All right, it’s time. We need to mentally move on. It’s time to die.” This is how I look at it. Like if I die it’s time. I can’t do this anymore. I was in London and I went. I’m staying in the most beautiful area of London, which next time we go together, we should stay Clark & Well. It’s so gorgeous.

J: It is beautiful. I’ve walked around there. It’s beautiful.

M: I love it there. I was staying there. Famously, there’s a waitress in the Tesco so famously, right across a little alley from each other. Waitress, for those who don’t know, is super fancy, really expensive, really nice. Then Tesco is like, 7-Eleven-adjacent, sort of. I go to this Tesco Express to buy a bottle of wine, height of Covid, by the way, pre-vaccine and I have my mask on. My joke was the people who don’t wear it have no teeth. What do you think that finally now is your time to shine. No dentistry needed, cover the sh*t up. No, they insisted on flashing their nubbins, their gum nubbins for the world to see. Anyway, I go to buy the wine, and I’ll never forget Donna at the Clark & Well Tesco Express goes, “Right, I need your ID.” I handed whatever the accent is, I handed the ID to her and she went, “I need you to take your mask off in order to-“

J: Shut the f*ck up. Prove that you’re 18 years old.

M: Yes. I think, in my opinion, that she was — England is very much like America in the sense that there are a lot of mega adjacent-

J: Yes, it’s the same.

M: It’s the same and it’s crazy and I could tell you just see this is someone who clearly doesn’t believe Covid is real and she was like, “I need to take your mask off.” I was just like, “Are you serious? There’s a pandemic. Just look at my eyes, I just need my Rose.” She was like, “No, you have to take your mask off,” and I said, “Call the manager.” I’m like, “I’m going to Karen out of the second Tesco because I’m not taking my mask off.” The manager comes out from behind, also with no mask, he’s like, “Yes, you got to take your mask off, sorry, it’s policy.”

J: That’s crazy.

M: Imagine people are dying and I remember there were some hot guys at the self-checkout and I was like, “This is why everyone’s dying,” and I walked out. I went, “This is why everyone in your country is dying,” meanwhile, I’m there, I’m an American. Now thinking back the gal I had-

J: Iconic.

M: Anyway, I didn’t kill anybody is what I should tell people.

J: You didn’t. No. My question, basically, we’ve got America, we’ve got London, you were in Italy, you were in Amsterdam, right?

M: Yes.

J: Favorite going out situation.

M: That’s interesting. I have to say, you know what I love and I love Milan, Italy. Now I will say that Milan is really bad, I sound like such a piece of sh*t. I hear it. I heard it from lovely homestyle from above when I went “This can’t be who you are,” but it is. I was in Milan for a month, I do know people there so that helps because, for example, I was in Rome by myself so I can’t say Rome because I went out but it wasn’t fun. You know what I mean?

J: Yes, totally.

M: Milan has so many fun neighborhoods, so many delicious restaurants that are purely local not tourist traps, gorgeous restaurants. People always say I think when you go as tourist there you think, oh, it’s a city. You want to go to Italy obviously and be Diane Lane and be cute. Milan isn’t giving that. It’s a little bit more industrial, there’s still beautiful places there.

J: Oh, interesting because of Fashion Week I feel like it’s such a fashion today I would have thought it a little more chic. That’s so interesting.

M: Well, it is chic. I think it’s chic but it took me a while to find the places to go where, oh my gosh, look at these bars, this neighborhood. It’s like not in the city center you have to go to one of the slightly outside in order to find it. I got to say that I had some of the best dinners. My friend Dave came to visit, Covid Dave came to visit, we travel a lot together and we had so much fun there. It was really great. I think obviously depends on who you’re with but I really enjoyed it there. Listen, I love London obviously. I would move there if they didn’t make it so hard and there’s no Russian gas to heat anything right now, and considering it’s fun because it’s simple there I would say.

J: I do prefer the English way of going out in general because it’s where I learned to go out because I lived there when I was 18. That was my first time going out. I do prefer the approach. I like that you’re going to a pub to hang out. Do you know what I mean? You’re going to actually just — like it’s an extension of your own living room sort of vibe. You’re just there to socialize and be chill and it’s not a scene as much and there’s bars for that. Do you know what I mean?

M: 100 percent, and why I love London I would say even more than New York for going out is a, you’re not stepping in human excrement anywhere so that’s a bonus but also, it has everything you would need. If you want to go to a bar and look at some wealthy Middle Eastern arms dealers, right this way. I know just the place. If you want to go to see some hipster whippet addicts, perfect follow me.

J: Ripping some matrix.

M: Yes. I know all the areas we see the little whippy canisters on the ground. It’s fun, I do love London.

J: I’m hesitant to say I prefer it to New York but I think it’s only because I haven’t spent quite enough time there to do that, but you do see it’s funny in going out and going partying and doing the fun stuff, you do see the benefit of social services. Like the fact that there’s no sh*t on the ground, the fact that the police are there to actually keep people in line. Do you know what I mean?

M: No. Here’s the thing, the police there do nothing because there are no guns.

J: Literally amazing.

M: The thing is this, I’m going to actually say that the two scariest things I’ve had happen to me by myself pretty much, I’m trying to really think happened in London. Meaning being followed and things like that and there was no one to turn to. I never felt that in New York because it’s so busy where I would turn around and see, actually that’s happened three times to me. I had a guy follow me into a store and these-

J: In London?

M: -little creepy. On Oxford Street. I told the story and people thought I was making it up. These days you can’t tell a story without people going, “Yes, that happened.”

J: Jesus Christ.

M: No, it literally happened where this guy was following me, kept talking to me and I was like, “Please leave me alone.” This is last winter. Then these three guys who I hate to say it, but I think at face value you would think these guys have probably spent time in a correctional facility.

J: Been incarcerated.

M: One of them had face tattoos and young guys like 18 years old and they’re like, “Miss is he bothering ya? He bothering ya? We got it.” They were a very diverse group of guys and they were so nice to me and I thought this is why I love London.

J: That’s sas.

M: That was great. Then I went home with the guy with the face tear. I was like, “Can you tattoo another one for me? I want one for me.” Anyway, London. I know what you’re saying though the cops do nothing. The cops literally hang out. Their dress, this was my theory about American cops. I think we can fix our system if we make cops look dorky because cops right now look a little bit too cool. They’re a little too “RoboCop” like those uniforms. You go to London they put them in Sally Bowles’ cabaret hats, they’ve got the bowler hats.

J: You’re wearing the color that they wear too. It’s that green.

M: Oh, it’s literally neon green.

J: Neon green.

M: They look like meter maids from 1952, they dress so stupid.

J: Their sirens are so pathetic. The police sirens in England are so high pitched.

M: It’s like “Out of my way, love, out of my way, love” behind you. Oh, they’re so polite. I just think we need to dork down our cops in America so that they don’t feel as authoritative because in England they do nothing, please.

J: The most piece of sh*t American I’ve ever felt when I was in England was when I was 18 and living there, I was out at a pub with a group of my friends. We were sitting outside the public at a table, and a group of cops walked by and I didn’t even perceive them. My friend goes, “Why are there cops here?” I looked at them and I was like, “Those are cops?” Everyone was like yes and I was like, “Where are their guns?” Everyone looked at me like I was mentally ill. That was when I realized, that was when I found out that England didn’t have guns which I didn’t know was an option in the world because I grew up in America. I truly in that moment was like, “Wow, our country is broken.”

M: We are broken and by the way, that’s why everyone is like can you imagine if you put guns in a country where people get so blackout wasted. I do think that they have much bigger issues with alcoholism than we do. We have issues.

J: That’s the one thing.

M: I don’t know, maybe because we drive here. I don’t know what it is but there, it’s like, I don’t know. They have a lot of problems in England but they don’t throw guns in the mix so it’s fine.

J: It’s fine. That’s the one thing I will say that was why I was hesitant to say I prefer going out in the U.K. to New York is, I do especially when I was up in Edinburgh, I forgot I was like “Damn, y’all get f*cked up here.” They get drunk in a way that like I’m like, “Oh in America if someone or in New York at least if someone’s that drunk someone even a stranger I would probably get involved and be like, ‘Hey, we should get them home.’” Do you know what I mean? Those people are just allowed to be out in the city and I’m like, “Guys this is really crazy.”

M: Listen, I dated a guy a couple of summers ago, really a nice guy actually let me just say and very cute but he told me that he had an issue. British, he was like, “Oh, I’ve had issues with drinking before. My ex said that I once showed up at her parents’ house blackout.”

J: No, no, no.

M: This is wild. He was telling me about how he had issues with it. I had seen him drunk a little bit but not like that. Then I left London, we parted ways fairly amicably. There was nothing, no blowout or anything like that and I was in Italy, and I woke up to 14 missed calls from him. I hadn’t talked to him in five months so I was like, this is — of course part of me was excited like I got him. I’m unforgettable. I opened my phone and I see texts from him on WhatsApp and it’s like, “Hey, I was just watching this movie,” this is at 3 in the morning. “I was just watching this movie because we talked only once. I was thinking about you, how are you?” Then all the calls and in between the calls he was like, “Are you calling me? Please stop calling me.” To me.

J: What?

M: I was like, “Wait?” Now I’m like, “Oh my God, did I take an Ambien last night? Did I see his name and miss it? I was so lonely.”

J: Oh no.

M: No, he was so blackout drunk that he called me — I have this confirmed — 14 times not realizing that he’s pressing, that’s how wasted this guy is. Now, by the way, no hard feelings and I think we blocked each other’s number.

J: Oh my God.

M: Not the point. That’s an example of just — and then he was normal. You would never meet someone like that and be like, “Oh, he needs to go to rehab” ever because it’s just totally normal. That is completely accepted. Blackout, I’m sure the parents of the ex were like, “Oh, here he’s back, let him in.” It just was normal. When I watch “White Lotus,” that guy, you watched it obviously.

J: I did, yes.

M: Of course.

J: Obsessed.

M: The uncle f*cker guy, his drunkenness was so natural looking to me.

J: I know.

M: I was just like, yes, that’s every guy in England. Is he acting? I was like-

J: They had to rewrite the script probably because he just was drunk but it’s like I like how casual they are around alcohol because it doesn’t feel as much of a big deal to drink as it does here, but they’re too casual in a way where there’s too much drunkenness. There needs to be a middle ground between the two.

M: I just want people to know, by the way, do people care about this? Or are they just like, “Are these two reminiscing about being in England?” You better care. This is interesting.

J: No care.

M: Care. People also, there’s this stereotype that London is expensive. That is truly the great lie of our time because if you lived in New York, London is half the price. Ubers are, I would say a quarter of the price, drinks are 90 percent off. Not everywhere like Martinis, dinner, beer, it’s cheap.

J: Well, beer is cheap as f*ck. Back to our perfect night out. We went and had dinner at Chiconi’s. I would say that was half the price it would be in New York for that restaurant.

M: Easily. We had Martini fun with that.

J: That was the best. I want to go the second we’re back in London, we’re going like that, I need to go back there with you. That was so great. I want to sit at the bar again, but we did Martinis, and we had salads. We split a lot. I think we were both out of there for $70.

M: It was nothing. It’s a great light. I’m genuinely anti-American, I’m aware of it. You don’t have to be like-

J: There’s nothing wrong with that.

M: I keep yanking my earbuds out and every time I’m losing a year of my life, it hurts so much and I keep-

J: There’s nothing worse. That is one of the worst feelings in the world is pulling your earbuds out of your head. It’s one of the worst feelings in the world.

M: No, I’m not kidding you that every time it’s like the “Nine Lives and Loony Tunes” like it’s another life of mine is going, it hurts so much. Anyway, what was I saying about England? No, also their public transportation. Amsterdam too. You go to Amsterdam and I want to move to Amsterdam because genuinely there is nothing to worry about in that city. There’s no fear. There’s nothing to worry about. Everyone’s hot. Everything is so f*cking clean. It’s just like, “Oh this is —” everything runs on time. You miss the train, guess what there’s one, two minutes. You’re like, “Oh, amazing.” It’s not 15 minutes and you have to hope you don’t get sh*t on.

J: I was thinking about that this morning. I did get peed on once in the subway. Fun fact about me.

M: Are you actually joking me right now?

J: No. On my way to see “Look at Me,” if Beale Street could talk, I got urinated on by a human being.

M: Please, I’m ending the show. I can’t do this.

J: I’m walking.

M: What?

J: I’ll tell this story. I used to have pre-Covid, I had one of the greatest gigs in the world, which was, I was a secret shopper for a restaurant.

M: Wait. This actually in my head right now is a meme where it’s like I’m seeing the explosion of the universe. I need to get into that but tell me about peeing first then talk about that.

J: I was with my ex at the time or he was my boyfriend at the time. We went to do a secret shop at this restaurant that’s by Port Authority, and then. No.

M: Go on.

J: Can you imagine secret shopping tracks? It’s like-

M: By the way, for those who don’t know, that was an underground Port Authority bar. I never stepped foot in there.

J: Was it Port Authority or Penn Station?

M: Oh, you know what? It’s Penn Station.

J: Because it’s a train.

M: Port Authority is the best stop. You’re right. This is how you know I’ve been out of New York too long.

J: The one at Port Authority is called Lanes. Anyway.

M: It’s Alba Pong.

J: I hate Alba Pong. Moving on.

M: Me too.

J: There’s something about the energy of Alba Pong that I hate.

M: And the food. Go on.

J: Well, yes, so we were leaving a secret shop and the thing was, it was like, because you had to drink. I had had like two or three drinks and so then I was like, “We’re going to go see this movie, but we’re drunk.” We were nervous. We were going to be a little sleepy for it because we knew it was like a slower movie. I don’t remember why, but I was in a bad mood. I remember walking around Port Authority to the staircase that’s on 40th and my boyfriend was walking in front of me. I’m going down the stairs and I see and I feel something on me.

M: No, no, no.

J: I’m like, “Was that?” and then I look up and in the railing between the posts of the railing above on the street level there’s a d*ck. There’s a d*ck just sticking through and there’s an unwell man standing up there d*ck-out peeing. It was like a sniper shot. It wasn’t like he was waiting to pee on me. It wasn’t like a full stream that I walked into, he was waiting to then be like psh.

M: He was purposefully waiting to pee on you?

J: 100 percent, because he also stopped. It was like a hit. It was like a shot of piss. I got piss shot.

M: Can I be honest, I want to say something genuinely, if I had absolutely nothing to lose on this planet and I was in just the worst way that God can really leave a human, which unfortunately New York you see people like that at least 50 times a day, which is why that city broke me frankly. That sounds fun to me. I actually respect that game. I’d be like, “I’m also going to pee on you enjoy.” That’s the worst thing I’ve ever heard in my life. I’m really sorry.

J: It was honestly not that much got on me. I immediately was like, “All right, it’s a story. What am I going to do? Fight this unwell man? I need whatever. I can’t-”

M: It landed on your back, where did it land on you?

J: I think I felt like a little bit on my shoe. It actually did not make that much contact with my body.

M: That’s not too bad.

J: I was pissed. I was like, “Well, I was pissed on.” It was definitely not ideal, and then I was just like, “But yes, so I got pissed on at Port Authority once.” There are certain things that happen like the world, you’re not a New Yorker until 10 years. I think there are certain things that you get a deduction for, actually it’s eight years if this happened. I think getting pissed on at Port Authority gives me a year-off that.

M: You’re immediately a New Yorker. It’s like getting baptized. If you’re pissed on at Port Authority, I don’t care if you’re there for a week, honey, you’re a New Yorker. I will allow anyone to take that mantra.

J: Yes, I think if you get pissed on at Port Authority, if you get hit by a bus, I think there’s certain things that you’re immediately-

M: That’s 100 percent true.

J: If you get hit hard, if you get hit by a bus or a cab, you’re a New Yorker.

M: I was almost hit by a bus in New York in Morningside Heights and I got the number of the bus and I called the guy, literally, who cares about this? When I say nearly clipped me like this far from me losing my life and speeding around from 110th Street up to Broadway.

J: What is the rush?

M: I called 301 to report him because I was actually like, “This is someone who should not be behind the wheel of a f*cking bus or anything.” They were like, “Uh-huh, and what was the number?” I’m like Anna Gurney “1629.” They were like, “Yes, we’ll let you know how it goes.” I called a few times for nearly getting hit by taxis. They do not give a sh*t and that’s why people die all the time.

J: I know, it’s crazy. I was a secret shopper.

M: What does it mean for a restaurant, meaning you go to a restaurant to order food, they don’t know that you’re testing it.

J: The big thing was, it was for a restaurant group that I think is still open in New York. I don’t think they do secret shopping anymore. I don’t know, I haven’t done it since Covid hit.

M: Can you say which one?

J: Yes, we can probably bleep it but it was Heartland Brewery. Do you remember those?

M: I do, of course. There’s one in Union Square, a famous one.

J: There was one in Union Square, there’s one in Port Authority and there’s two in Midtown. This is what was hilarious, is that they also they ran the bar of Guy’s American Kitchen and Bar, the Guy Fieri restaurant in Times Square.

M: I know it well they had their own homemade sodas. I went once, go on.

J: Well, Michelle, I was sent there upwards of 10 times. I had to eat at that f*cking restaurant so many times.

M: Wasn’t there a really funny article once I think at The Times or there was like some viral Guy Fieri article about all the funny sh*t that you can get there.

J: Well, there was the best, I’ll go find it because it is one of my favorite things in the world was someone made when that restaurant opened. They bought the domain name for the restaurant was but they didn’t buy Someone bought that domain and put a fake menu on it. I remember there was one called dunkmole and it was like a bag of guacamole that the menu — whoever wrote it was so funny because it was like a 16-ounce bag of guacamole thrown at you from across the room overhand.

M: It’s the same guy from Port Authority?

J: Yes.

M: She’s like, “Take this mother f*cker, goodbye.” Oh, my God.

J: What they would have me do was, I always had to sit at the bar and it was mostly about actually making sure that they weren’t stealing. That was the big thing because bartenders would steal really easily. I was supposed to spend $100. That usually at Heartland got you dinner and two or three drinks depending on how much food you got, and you had to take another person. It was like you and one other person. It was the best gig. I would do it. Basically, all I had to do was I had to order food and drinks and timestamp everything. Making sure that everything came at the right time. It’d be like, did I get greeted at the right time within a reasonable amount of time? Did they take my order? Did the food and drinks come within the correct order? Did they pour the beer properly? I think I was supposed to note and then the big thing was I had to pay in cash and make sure that they gave me the correct change, and that everything was on the receipt because a really easy way bartenders can steal is, I can drop you a check and then void stuff off the check, and then I can pocket the difference. Does that make sense?

M: Let me tell you something. Not only does it make sense, I as a customer, like when people do that because listen to me, I’m not being funny. I always say, you take something off the check for me, you get it back to yourself in tip or cash 100 percent. That’s how I operate. I don’t just take or I’ll save $2 but give them $10 whatever it is. I am always on the side of the server or bartender and I always am like, “Take the sh*t.” I honestly, if they don’t charge me for a round, which I have my bars in New York, that they know me. Of course, they always throw a free round my way because they know that mama’s going to give that sh*t back to them in cash.

J: No, this is different than that because that I love when they give you something for free, this is where they give you-

M: Oh, after you pay, they void it.

J: -so that they then pocket the difference. Let’s say your checklist for $70 and then they void $20 off, they then pocket the $20.

M: Without you even getting credit or knowing.

J: Exactly.

M: That’s f*cked.

J: It was about checking for that essentially. You had to check for that and that was pretty much it but I would get reimbursed with $100 and then paid on top of it $125. It was like, no work.

M: Wait, can we do this again?

J: I would go back in a heartbeat. Yes. It was like I was eating a lot of Heartland Brewery food. Let’s beat that again I was-

M: You. It’s like “The Whale 2.”

J: I’m like literally, yes. It’s like can I add it to my invoice because I was especially when they were sending me the guy for the restaurant that was tough. The food there was tough and so expensive. The Times Square restaurants are crazy.

M: I had something happen to me and actually I should plug this here but when is this podcast coming out? A few-

J: In a few weeks, yes.

M: In a few weeks, 2023?

J: I think this, 2023. Yes.

M: Let me just — and I’m sorry if I’m causing edits right now.

J: No.

M: I actually had something happen and I won’t regale you with the entire story, but I had Adam Ripon on the Michelle Collins show. We did a New Year’s special together. Adam and I are obsessed with Hillstone. We love Hillstone. Anyone who has any — have you never been?

J: I’ve never been and I’m dying to go.

M: You should come to Miami while I’m here but we cannot go back to this particular location because I can’t tell the story here, because honestly, I was like, “Oh, this will be a quickie with Adam and then it was a Ken Burns documentary.” It went on forever. I had to give every detail but I had something happen to me at a Hillstone here in Miami that was hands down the craziest thing to ever happen to me in a restaurant to the point where I got up and left and said, “I’m not paying for anything.” I tipped our bartenders who were really nice. I gave them $20 and I went, I’m sorry. No.

J: What happened?

M: Basically, I’m not going to tell the whole thing but my joke was that I was pushed into a Karen corner because I have a friend who doesn’t eat something which — it’s like an allergy but more of a mental allergy. It nauseates her and I was there with her. We ordered some food that all had it in it which it didn’t list it on the menu but I was in such a good mood. I said, “Who cares? Let’s just order another one. I’ll pay for this” you know what I mean? No, no, eat that one. I wasn’t calling anyone out even though it wasn’t on the menu, and then this one girl came over who worked there and was like, “I just want you to know that it says at the bottom of the menu that you need to tell us about your allergies. It’s not our fault.”

J: Whoa.

M: I said, “Wait, that wasn’t the problem.” She was 20. I went, “No, that’s fine. I’m not mad. I’m saying put another order and it’s OK.” It was like defensiveness like it’s OK, and then she came around and was like, “And also it wasn’t everything here just so you know” because the girl — my friend had already started eating some of it, which, ah, God she was such an idiot. I’m like “You f*cking dummy. Just shut up. She’s eating this one. She doesn’t taste it like, shut up.”

J: Oh my God.

M: I was like you know what you’re causing actually — you’re making this into an issue. We weren’t doing anything and now I actually do want to get one of these things off the check because of the way that you are-

J: Speaking to me?

M: -making us feel. It’s actually insane and she goes, “I’m sorry. I can’t do that. I can do it but I have to take one of the plates away if I do that.” Then I went and put it in the garbage. This is crazy. She goes, “I’m going to get the manager.” Imagine-

J: She wasn’t even the manager?

M: No, she was the bartender. Imagine that I’m sitting there though and we were dressed up. It was holiday time. I was feeling cute. You know it still sounds so fun. I’m like, “This is the most deranged thing” and then this manager comes out, I call her Rockabilly. I’m not giving any names even though obviously I know everyone’s name because I don’t — listen, I’m telling the story not to get anyone fired. Maybe a harsh speaking to but also, I genuinely had a panic attack, for real not being dramatic. That’s why I got up and left and this girl came out arms crossed basically completely defensive from the get as though we are the ones making the issue.

J: It’s so crazy-making.

M: What did you say?

J: That would be so crazy-making to be like, we’re not mad, stop.

M: We weren’t. That was the thing. That was why I actually was double pissed because I’m like, actually wasn’t even, we weren’t mad and we were trying to de escalate and then it was like everyone insisted on escalating it.

J: Oh my God.

M: Now the manager comes out, I’m thinking like, why are we getting Karened? You’re Karening us now. We weren’t even doing anything and she kept and she was like, “Well if you would let me finish if you would stop interrupting me” with her arms crossed Jake, the same young girl. I’m like — I’m not giving every detail, go pay for the patron and watch. I tell the story.

J: You’re like, I was holding a gun the whole time. I forgot to mention.

M: Holding a pizza gun. I was in my tree cosplay. Let me also add that I tell the story much funnier with Adam because I was really-

J: I’m going to listen. I have to listen now.

M: Now I’m angry again but I got up and I said, “We’re not paying for anything.” I said, “We’re going.” We get up to leave and then one of our bartenders who we were friends with because I gave him $20 cash because I was like, “I’m not stingy, I tip our bartenders.” They go, “Do you want to speak to the general manager?” I go, “Wait, there’s a bigger boss?”

J: I like them.

M: I said, I’ll be — no, those are my people, and funny enough we had been the best of friends. I was complimenting them like they were so sweet. They were not.

J: That’s how you actually know the AGM was in the wrong then if an employee’s being like, “You need to speak to this person because these people are being assh*les.” That’s how you actually know you were in the right.

M: I looked at them and I said, “Let me tell you something. I’m not paying a dollar for the meal, so I’m happy to walk out because I did not come here to call a manager.” You know what I mean? I said, “Do you want me to speak to the general manager?” I go, “Is she someone that you maybe have problems with?” They go, “We’ll call the general manager out” like that and I was dying laughing. Then we walked outside but Jake, seriously, I was having anxiety attacks.

J: I would freak the f*ck out. That sucks. I’m sorry that happened to you.

M: No, thank you. I’m not trying to play victim here but it’s just insane that I was painted to look like some kind of b*tch when it’s like, no, you’re the b*tch. What the f*ck? I know that I’m beautiful and dressed up but let you — we were really dressy. We really looked great too and I’m like, “You’re actually stereotyping us because we’re dressed up and having fun assh*les. You are the assh*le.”

J: Yes. What the f*ck? That’s so crazy. We won’t go to Hillstone Miami.

M: The general manager came. No, no Hillstone. Oh no. There’s a good Hillstone in Bell Harbor. We can go there. By the way, I also did email corporate. I wasn’t going to, and then I could not fall asleep Saturday night because I was so upset.

J: You need to release it.

M: I need to release it and I sent an email and I’ve not heard it’s been a week. There has been no anything. I’m like, OK.

J: Wait. What happened when you talked to the general manager?

M: She was adorable. She was so nice. She walked out. She was new to that location. She was also 23. The thing is no one wants to work anymore so I also know that. I’m aware of that. When this other girl is being a b*tch and I’m like, “Oh, they can’t find anyone to do your job. That’s why you’re doing it.” Now I’m understanding what’s going on here but the main girl was so nice. She was like, “Please, I beg you.” She’s like, “Come back all on us whatever you want.” I’m like, “I really adore you but I cannot set foot back into that restaurant. It’s not worth it for a roll of sushi but I love you.” She was really nice and she got it. She was like 100 percent that was crazy so I said thanks for the cheesecake and then I went home.

J: I love it when there’s a cheesecake instead. Here’s the thing. Wait, this is the thing that people need to understand is I’m all for doing a good job and showing up and doing a good job and being responsible for your job. You are not a soldier for this institution you work for.

M: Thank you.

J: You do not need to put yourself on a f*cking cross for Hillstone. I love you babe. I want you to do a good job. I want you to take your job seriously but you can be reasonable. It’s food and drink.

M: No and why are you even here? That was the whole thing. I actually said because the moment I got pissed I’m like, “You know you can leave actually one $20 sushi roll for us because of what you just —” by the way, between us, I would’ve put it in a tip because I was not there for free food.

J: That’s the thing, yes.

M: They wouldn’t let it go. They were making it seem like — and then some drunk next to my friend leaned over a woman wasted out of her brains by herself. She goes, “By the way,” because it was about a mayonnaise. She said “I love f*cking mayonnaise.” My friend doesn’t need it and this drunk woman was like, “By the way I’ve been to Japan and they actually do put mayonnaise in their rolls there.” I leaned around. My mom was in the Israeli Air Force so I was raised — basically I was abused growing up. I leaned around and I was like, “Literally no one is asking you your opinion or talking to you, so please like —” I’m scary. I have that, I was like, “Please not. No, absolutely not.”

J: Oh my God. That’s much-

M: Anyway, I’m a nice person for your listeners. I don’t want them to think that I — you were out with me. People love me. Come on.

J: People love you. We made friends. That’s why you’re the best though is that you’re literally talking to everyone. You talk to the Uber driver and the bartender the same way you’re talking to me. You don’t treat anyone like the help.

M: 100, that’s a lot of my way.

J: That’s really rare, Michelle.

M: I love it because I like to know people.

J: Yes, but that’s really rare. There’s nothing worse. There’s nothing worse to me than when you see someone — how do I word this? If you’ve gotten to know someone and then you go out with them to a restaurant for the first time and then they talk to waiters in a weird way. I’m like, “Motherf*cker.” Not even rude but you can tell that like, “Oh, your parents didn’t talk to servers like they were humans.” Do you know what I mean?

M: Do I know what you mean? Do I know what you mean? Yes.

J: It’s one of the worst feelings in the world.

M: I have to tell you something funny is that I think because I am obviously a narcissist but I also know that I mostly have a good way with people. When I’m out with someone who I know has that and something happens, I choose to be the ambassador to the staff because I’m like, “I’m so charming.” In my mind I’m like, I’m a brilliant de-escalator. I’m going to de-escalate this. The story that I just told what was so frustrating there was no way to de escalate it. They insisted on an escalation and that’s when I was like, “You want to escalate it? You pay for the whole meal and let’s get the f*ck out of here because I’m not f*cking dealing with this right now.” It really, I felt like I was absolutely out of my mind crazy but it’s a very uncomfortable thing when you have a friend who behaves like that. With a friend, I can almost deal with it certainly in a romantic situation that is, I would say basically my top deal-breaker, honestly.

J: That’s going to be one of a number one deal — that’s up there for me. That’s probably one of my top deal-breakers, I think.

M: Also, my dad, and I know he’ll never hear this, my dad as he’s aged and aging isn’t a funny thing and things happen or whatever else.

J: Absolutely.

M: My dad is a charming guy but I think that he has lost that and will sometimes speak — my mom and I will be out to dinner with him and he’ll do something, and we are like, “How do you think you’re —” because we’re so the same, my mom and I when we talk to people, and it’s humiliating. It’s like, “How the f*ck dare you?” We straighten him out, but it’s uncomfortable. That’s also things going on with him as he is aging and things like that.

J: The aging thing is a totally different thing because the world changes a little too much and then you can’t actually function socially. Trust me, I’m watching it happen.

M: There’s a lot going on in this situation. It’s like, I don’t even know if he knows he’s doing it. You know what I mean? It’s still humiliating. You cannot talk to people that way. I’m sorry. It’s horrible.

J: I know. The emotional labor of dealing with — I’ve worked at a place where it’s all old people. I’ve worked at an all-

M: Really?

J: Yes. I worked at a place where I would do breakfast at this restaurant and it was all rich, rich old people. It was-

M: Tell me the name of it so I can go find someone.

J: It was hell’s waiting room, truly. Literally it was wild. You could not serve coffee hot enough. You could not serve boiling, boiling hot coffee. They’d be like, “This isn’t hot.” They’d be like, “You just can’t feel your f*cking mouth assh*le.” It was just so-

M: Wait, can I ask a personal question and maybe it’s not the right time to ask.

J: No, please.

M: What kind of old people are we talking about? Were they old Jewish people? I hope not. I feel like they were.

J: No, no because there was a lot of-

M: There was a waspy-

J: -rich. It was Gramercy.

M: Oh, fabulous.

J: Do you know what I mean? It was like that. It was like old money rich.

M: That makes me feel good because I just want to make sure my people didn’t harass you in any kind of way.

J: No, because I get along with Jews. I don’t have issues with Jews. I’m Jewish so that probably helps.

M: As a Jewish person, I sometimes have issues with them, which is why I’m so like, “Argh.” I want to make sure that they are nice.

J: No, totally. I actually think that we have to wrap up. I can’t open this can of worms, but the stereotypes of Jewish people being difficult in restaurants, I actually don’t think are nearly as true as they come up to be.

M: I would agree with that. I just think we’re loud.

J: That’s yes.

M: When we have a problem, it’s 500 times louder than a wasp. We’re sending a playback. It’s like there’s an eerie siren. All of a sudden, I’m in Tel Aviv, I’m in a stairwell. I’m going, “What’s happening? Someone is talking about eggs that weren’t made right?”

J: Do you know what I feel like Jewish people are good about doing, is going to the right place for the right thing. If they want something, they go to the place for it. This is the thing that would happen with wasps all the time is they’d be sitting there and they’d be like, “I’ll do a side of French fries.” I’d be like, “We don’t have French fries.” They’d be like, “We’ll get them.” It’s like, “No, you came to the wrong place.” Do you know what I mean? It’s that sort of thing where a Jewish person wouldn’t do that in my opinion. Do you know what I mean?

M: Thank God for us. Thank God for us. God bless us. Can’t believe we have to wrap.

J: I know. It went by so fast, but basically this is easy for us, but the end of the show is that we just plan our next night out together. Which I would love to do with you.

M: This is genuinely the best show I’ve ever done. I’m so excited. Wait, here’s a question for you.

J: What’s that?

M: You’re up coming to Miami next month, obviously, because I’m here till the end of January,

J: You’re going to be really pissed off at me.

M: You’re coming in February?

J: No, I’m flying to Miami January 15th, but I’m immediately getting on a boat. I’m going on a cruise.

M: What cruise are you going on and should I come?

J: Yes. Do you want to come on the Virgin Voyages? We’re going on the Virgin Cruise.

M: Who is it? You and who?

J: Me and my best friend David who you would like.

M: Wait, I need to know more information. How many days is it?

J: Five. Bimini and Cozumel.

M: What’d you say?

J: It’s going to Bimini and Cozumel.

M: Send me the one you know.

J: It’s a no-children cruise. No kids are allowed on the boat.

M: I’m coming then. If they stop me at the door and say we know about your Jack disease, you’re not allowed on. Pardon? What?

J: Oh my God. The person who just wrote Jack just had a chill go down their spine, because no one has spoken of that movie in 30 years. Someone was just like, “Jack.”

M: I reference Jack three times a day. They must be freezing constantly. I love Jack. Let me think about it. Wait, I don’t want to crash your thing, but-

J: No, come.

M: I went on a cruise in September. I got to tell you, I had the time of my life.

J: This is my first cruise.

M: Did you get a deal on it? All right, you’re going to send me the link, I actually would go.

J: I’ll send a text message to you.

M: I think it would be fun.

J: No, you would love.

M: I’m-

J: You should come.

M: -getting excited.

J: No, it’s fine.

M: Can I be honest with you, I was supposed to come to New York next month for something and it fell through. Now I’m actually a bit in the dumps, because I was like, “I’m not even going to New York next —” I’m-

J: Oh, totally.

M: -stuck here a little bit. Plan our next night out. Let’s plan our cruise night out. Now what is your energy on a cruise because-

J: I’ve never been.

M: -I love to dress up. Oh, you’ve never been?

J: I’ve never been on a cruise.

M: Here is the funny thing, I was only on my very first long cruise in September because I went on the Goop cruise. Even though I didn’t pay for the Goop package, I was just on the boat. I got to say, five days is the perfect amount because we were on for 10 days. By day 8, I was 12 monkeys Brad Pitt babbling

J: I’m actually really glad you said that, because I wanted to go on a longer cruise and David was like, “We’re not doing more than five. I refuse.”

M: No five is already a lot. I’m telling you.

J: That’s really validating for me. Thank you for saying that.

M: No, you’re doing everything. I wouldn’t have gone on one that’s longer than five because it’s exhausting. Also, every night you’re doing fun things, you get tired, the boat rocking a lot. It’s exhausting.

J: Interesting. Let’s do, gorge. If we’re out on the cruise, let’s do a dress-up night. I feel like there has to be one fancy night.

M: No, there’s more than one.

J: You do fancy every night.

M: The other thing is, I have so many beautiful dresses and gowns. I want to come on the cruise for Instagram content and company.

J: Well, that’s the thing.

M: Oh my God wait, Jake, I do want to come.

J: Wait, come, come. I’m dead serious.

M: Thank you.

J: Perfect.

M: We can record a show on the boat. That’d be fun.

J: Oh, that’d be fun. That’d be very fun. You’ll love David. You’ll love David. We’ve been friends since I was 12.

M: Oh my God, that’s so fun. I’m excited. All right, so we’re hanging out. We’re going to Mexico. What’s your going outfit? We went out once, what is next? I say, I put on a beautiful — I know the dress I’m wearing on dress-up night.

J: Perfect.

M: I’m hot. The most stunning. You know I’m a fashion Nova queen? I definitely love Fashion Nova. It’s mostly a myth, though when it hits, it hits as though Valentino himself came back from the dead to make me something and it was $100.

J: I’m obsessed.

M: It’s stunning stuff. I have a Fashion Nova gown that I was maybe going to wear on New Year’s, but if we do the cruise, I may wear it. It’s stunning. It’s killer.

J: Ooh, send me a pic. I want to see this. What color is that?

M: It’s sheer, it’s black of course, floor length on me. I’m 6′ 1″, hits the ground. Tall girls Fashion Nova is the way of the future. It’s a black sheer long-sleeved dress covered in black studs, but flat ones not whatever pointy ones. It’s so killer, stunning, expensive-looking. It’s sexy. It’s killer. I’m excited.

J: We’ll have a big sexy night on the boat. I think we follow the pattern of our London night. What that means for me is that we book whatever the most questionable on-board entertainment is for the evening.

M: That goes every night without question. By the way, you’re going to be shocked because the on-board entertainment on this last cruise I went on, I was such a b*tch badass before I saw it I was like, “Oh, cruise entertainment.”

J: I’ve heard it’s amazing.

M: That had me weeping, I was standing out of my seat like Orson Wells, like, “Why are these people not on?” I know we have to go on Broadway. They were phenomenally talented. You’re going to be shocked.

J: I’m going to tell you, right now, if there’s a magician, I’m making us go.

M: No, I love it. I’m in. You don’t know me, I’m kinky. I love this sh*t.

J: I think we’re doing Martinis, magician, back to Martinis and dinner, and then pool party. I bet there’s a good pool party because I know there’s a pool on the main deck.

M: Can I just say something, you may have just with this invitation, I’m not just saying this to be nice, you may have right now just pulled me out of an actual deep depression. Actually-

J: Wow.

M: -I’m not being funny despite the color of my sweater, which is yellow, I’m so in a rut here, just because I hate Miami. I’m just like, “Oh, what am I doing here?” The idea of having a cruise to look forward to, makes me feel alive again, so thank you.

J: Perfect. We’re going to make this happen. I’m going to send you the info.

M: I agree. I don’t care even how much it is, whatever it’s money. I’m already eating sh*t out of a canister every night. Let’s do it. I come in.

J: Heaven. Thank you so much for doing this show. This was heaven and I love you.

M: Oh, Jakey, I love you. Guys, thank you for having me. Bye.

J: Perfect.

Thank you so much for listening to Going Out With Jake Cornell. If you could please go and review us on whatever you’re listening to this on, that would be really gorgeous for me in a huge way, so thank you.

Now, for some credits. Going Out With Jake Cornell is recorded in New York City and produced by Keith Beavers and Katie Brown. The music you’re hearing is by Darby Cicci. The cover art you’re probably looking at was photographed by M Cooper and designed by Danielle Grinberg. A special shout-out to VinePair co-founders Josh Malin and Adam Teeter for making all of this possible.