Most ridiculous crimes while drunk
Photo via Barry Blackburn / Shutterstock

There are a few things you should never do while drunk. Drive, for example, or pass out in public. If you scour public arrest records for long enough, though, you’ll find that there are many more things you shouldn’t do while drunk, and you’ve probably never even thought of most of them.

Grab a drink folks, because here are the dumbest alcohol-motivated crimes you will never commit (probably).

The lawn mower liquor run that was never completed

Frank Kozumplik just wanted a drink. The only problem was he wanted that drink in the middle of a winter snowstorm in Michigan. Also, he’d already consumed two bottles of wine, and his blood alcohol level was two and a half times the legal limit, WLEN-FM writes. Oh yeah, and his wife had taken the car to work. Ever resourceful, Kosumplik took his John Deere tractor two miles to the liquor store and picked up four more bottles of wine. The police stopped him on the way back for drunk driving, and then proceeded to confiscate his lawn mower.

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Fourth Meal identification

We can all appreciate Taco Bell, and now that it’s serving up booze, there’s really no reason to ever leave. But when you drive out for Fourth Meal, don’t do it drunk. Matthew Falkner learned the consequences of drunken Bell runs the hard way after he got his food from the taco belle, then proceeded to fall asleep in his truck in the drive-through. His truck was in park and his foot was on the gas, causing his engine to catch on fire. When the police woke him up and asked for ID and registration, Falkner tried to hand over a taco, which is obviously not a valid form of identification.

Hockey celebration gone terribly wrong

Hockey players love beer. There’s always a need for another beer run when you’re partying with the hockey team, which is why it shouldn’t be too surprising that a guy in a full goalie uniform broke into a store, grabbed some beer, and then waddled out without even glancing at the cash register. Do we even have to tell you that this happened in Canada?

Avoid riding drunk horses (or is it drunk riding?)

Car theft can be a bit of a hassle. Horse theft, on the other hand, can be pretty easy. Tracy Ellenburg must have thought the same thing when she stole a horse and rode it down Main Street in Six Mile, South Carolina. When the cops caught up to her, she claimed that the horse was drunk. Perhaps not surprisingly, people have a long history of doing illegal things on horseback, like riding them into banks, or falling asleep on top of them. Still, at least Ellenburg was smart enough not to drunk drive a car — or do some other inappropriate thing to a car that seems to happen way too often.

Santa isn’t real

Sorry for the breaking news, but some people have to learn that the hard way. Nothing, however, could be a more traumatizing way to learn everyone has been lying to you than a drunken 24-year-old Canadian screaming that Santa isn’t real at the Kingston Santa Claus parade. The police came and took him away around 6 p.m. Who knows, maybe that 24 year old just had his dreams crushed and needed to tell the world his newfound information. Or maybe he saw Santa kissing mom under the mistletoe. Life’s hard.