Lifesaver Internal

My youngest child once peed in my wine glass. While there was wine still in it.

Yes, you read that right. He. Peed. In. My. Wine Glass. Naturally, that resulted in me drinking straight from the bottle.

It was after he’d dumped out a box of cheese crackers and stomped them into the carpet, and after he’d decided to use my lotion to finger-paint the couch, and after he thought it would be fun to take all the books off the shelf… where was I going with this? Oh, yes, I hate my li — no, wait, that’s not right. I love my life, I really do. I love and adore my kids. Utterly. Adore. Them.

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It’s just that sometimes, I need alcohol to remind me of that fact.

Alcohol is like glass cleaner. The important part is the mirror, but the alcohol cleans the grime so I can see myself clearly, so I can remember, Hey! You love being a mom! You love this kid! Even if he did just  put peanut butter in your shoe, and OMG, WHY IS HE THROWING APPLES AT THE POOR CAT RIGHT NOW?

I know it’s become a bit of a cliché to be a mom who drinks wine. It’s the new eat-pickles-because-you’re-pregnant. So, firstly, I’ll have you know that I don’t drink just wine. I’m also a fan of vodka, rum and hard cider.

Secondly, why do you think all these moms are drinking? I’ll tell you why. Because they love their kids so much. They are trying to save the lives of their children, people!

There, I said it.

Alcohol saved my kid’s life.

I spend most of my time with a tiny tyrant of a human being who does the most absurd things as though his life’s mission is to make me crazy. (I know it’s not his life’s mission; he’s just curious, but that’s how it feels sometimes, OK?) Instead of turning into a screaming banshee or putting him on the front porch with a price sticker on his forehead, I have a glass of wine (or a shot of vodka) in the evenings after he’s safely in bed or when his father is home to help take care of him.

The alcohol resets me, relaxes my tense muscles, helps me laugh about these inane aspects of motherhood.

Listen. I’m not even doing it for me. I’m doing it for my kids. To make sure they survive another day.

You may say I drink too much. I say, my kids are still alive.