Congratulations! You made it! Whether you’re utterly devastated or absolutely over the moon that you’re divorced from that SOB or bitch on heels, it’s finally done. Finito. Finished. The end.
Ending a marriage can be soul-sucking, not to mention expensive. But as Louis C.K. says, “No good marriage ends in divorce,” so if you find yourself finally as Ms. after all those years together or a swinging bachelor, you need to pop open one of these bottles of champagne in celebration of your divorce. Here are some recommendations:
When He or She Drained Your Soul — And Your Bank Account
Broke as all get out? Pop open Korbel California Brut. You might feel like the sorriest man or woman on the planet with your cheap sparkler and your heinous legal fees, but at least you don’t have to wake up next to that soul sucker again.
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When You Mediated the Divorce And It Stings A Little
You two mediated the whole shebang because you’re amicable enough, but a part of you still gets a little weepy when you hear your wedding song.
Drink Ca’ del Bosco Cuvée Prestige Brut, Franciacorta DOCG. It’s moderately priced and you can feel “amicable” while drinking some bubbly and peacefully acknowledging this chapter of your life is finished.
When You Can’t Stand the B*tch or Scumbag And Didn’t Fair Well In The Divorce
You got pitiful alimony. He got the house. You feel like you ended up getting a big F-U from the courthouse and really want to scream, but you’re busy crying over the money you just lost. Break open a bottle of Veuve Clicquot La Grande Dame and sob into your drink. Go ahead, no one’s judging you.
When You Are Thrilled And Not So Secretly Wish For Your Ex’s Demise
You couldn’t stand another day married to that person and now you are thrilled about your new life. You’re full of positivity and joy — and a little bit of anger. Make that a bit of murder. You buy Jacquesson et Fils 2008 Dizy Terres Rouges Extra Brut Rosé because you taste the delicious rich red fruitiness and imagine you’re the evil queen from “Snow White” giving your ex the poisonous apple.
When You Are Utterly Devastated And Can’t Stand The Fact That You And Your Ex Are Over
You cry for weeks, barely shower and don’t wash your hair for, well, a decade.
You start off the first day as — sniff — DIVORCED (ugh, you feel like a leper) drinking the whole bottle of Perrier-Jouet Belle Epoque 2007, even though your life is neither settled nor comfortable. You are a wreck in yoga pants or a football jersey.
When You Both Couldn’t Be Happier About The Divorce And You Hugged On The Way Out Of Court
You break open a bottle of Pol Roger Sir Winston Churchill because you’re such a damn nice person and great former partner that even your ex high-fived you after the judge pounded the gavel.
You’d invite your ex over to celebrate but um, that would be weird.