Christmas Songs

It’s beginning to sound a lot like Christmas, everywhere you go. In a store or in a bar, no matter where you are, there’s a Christmas song playing near you. (Feel free to sing the above. You know the melody.)

And I don’t know about you, but the only way I can get through the heightened levels of seasonal cheer and goodwill to mankind is by drinking. So here are a few seasonal cocktails to get you through the ubiquitous Christmas playlist, even if they won’t help you pick the right gift for That Person on your list. (Hard to go wrong with a bottle of something, though. Just saying.)

Pair “The Christmas Song” with the “Roasting On An Open Fire”

INSTRUCTIONS:

  • Pour half a shot of Fireball into shot glass
  • Layer half a shot of Frangelico  on top (Marrone if you’re fancy)
  • Float a small amount of rum on top
  • Touch a match to the rum to set it on fire
  • Accidentally drop the glass onto the carpet and enjoy the ensuing hilarity

Pair “Baby, It’s Cold Outside” with the “Say, What’s In This Drink?” (serves 2)

INSTRUCTIONS:

  • One bottle of red wine
  • Heat in a saucepan, along with sticks of cinnamon, some cloves, star anise, zest of orange, and (optional) honey to taste
  • Serve in a mug, garnish with a cinnamon stick, a twist of orange peel, and sprinkle of rohypnol

Pair “Do They Know It’s Christmas?” with the “Bitter Stinger”

INSTRUCTIONS:

  • 3 ounces  White Savior vodka
  • 1 ounce All Star Creme de Menthe
  • Serve in glass brimming with self-importance, topped with liberal guilt

Pair “All I Want For Christmas,” “Last Christmas,” and every pop song that involves a Santa hat with the “Seasonal Release”

INSTRUCTIONS:

  • Eggnog
  • Peppermint schnapps
  • Also butterscotch schnapps!
  • Southern Comfort, lots
  • More eggnog
  • Add some sugar!
  • Rum?
  • More sugar
  • Serve in tall glass, with vomit-bucket on the side

Pair anything by the Trans-Siberian Orchestra with “The Instrumental”

INSTRUCTIONS:

  • Pour half a glass of Sibirskaya Korona beer
  • Drop in shot of vodka
  • Drink it down
  • Repeat till unable