I’m an X-Files lover. A lapsed X-Files lover, I should say, since I watched the entire series several times over a decade ago, and have forgotten mostly everything except “the truth is out there,” and something about Mulder’s sister not being dead? (Or maybe that’s not true. No spoiler alerts necessary because I have no idea what I’m talking about.) Tonight is the highly anticipated reboot of The X-Files, so in honor of that, we’re gonna recap the role of booze in The Files, and offer up a few bizarre cocktails in honor of the truth. Which is out there.
Considering my lapse in X-Files lovin, I might not be the best guide. However, a good friend of mine has recently discovered (or re-discovered) classic X-Files, and was kind enough to remind me of a couple of episodes in which alcohol actually played a supporting role, and nobody got probed. According to her, in the episode “Never Again,” Agent Dana Scully gets a tattoo that talks to her hallucinating boyfriend. Wikipedia claims that Mulder for some reason has taken a vacation to Graceland in this episode, and Scully is dealing with a lot of doubt about “the direction of her life and career,” so she gets a tattoo of an Ouroboros (the snake eating its own tail). Long story short, Scully’s tattoo tries to convince boyfriend Ed to kill her, but instead he burns his own arm, like a good boyfriend would. There were hallucinogens involved (in the tattoo ink), so not quite booze, but close.
And then there’s “Small Potatoes.” You know, the one with all the babies born with tails? It turns out (and yes, okay, spoiler alert) the father of all the babies was a janitor with an extra layer of muscle that allowed him to shape shift. He also had a tail, and self-esteem issues. A whole lot happens in this episode, including one mother of a tailed baby claiming the father was Luke Skywalker (and she’s not insane—dude shape-shifted into Luke Skywalker, so go girl). But at the end of the episode, the janitor has shape-shifted into Mulder. He brings over a bottle of wine, tries to get Scully drunk, and is about to hook up with her when actual Mulder busts in and, once more, ruins Scully’s awesome night. This episode, ps, was written by some guy named Vince Gilligan. But what has he done for us lately? Oh wait. Yeah.
And then there’s “Avatar,” in which poor old FBI Assistant Director Skinner is served divorce papers, hooks up with a prostitute, is haunted by visions of an old woman, and is framed for the prostitute’s murder, all in one night. And yes, this all began at a bar. Mulder suspects there’s a succubus involved, but The Smoking Man does his classic creepy voyeurism as things unfold—and whenever The Smoking Man’s around, you know you’re dealing with X-Files meta plot lines. Involving the truth. Which is out there.
According to The X-Files, anyway, alcohol or mind-altering substances of any kind are generally to be avoided. Unless you want to end up being framed for murder, kissing a shape-shifter with a tail, or almost getting thrown into a furnace because you have a really convincing, and really vocal, tattoo.
That said, a few cocktails in honor of tonight’s premiere.
An homage to The Smoking Man, who (because this is The X-Files) turns out to be totally different and not entirely a bad guy. Hard to make at home unless you have a literal smoking gun. And not the kind that leads Mulder and Scully to the truth. Which, if we haven’t mentioned yet, is out there.
This drink is unapologetically upsetting and gross-looking, just like a lot of stuff that happened on The X-Files. What’s most upsetting, though, might be the ingredients: peach schnapps, Bailey’s (the brains) and grenadine (blood, ‘cuz why stop at brains).
No explanation needed as to why this is an X-Files cocktail. Fair warning, though, those little alien dudes are cute, but this is gonna be an incredibly sweet drink—2 ounces of Triple Sec, blue curacao, and Chambord. To be feared and respected, much like our soon to be alien overlords.