If you want to be the President of the United States, you need to pass the Beer Test: i.e., would you want to sit down and have a beer with the candidate? Since drinking has been deemed an essential part of American democracy we decided to see what drinking gear the candidates were selling in their official online campaign shops. If your favorite candidate isn’t on the list you might want to check to see if they even have a functioning campaign shop (or campaign for that matter).
8 – Rand Paul Unleash The Dream Beer Stein
Cut the leash, defeat the Washington machine. Cheers!
We’re trying to work our way through this. The dog (sporting a dog-tag!), who is holding an American flag in his mouth (Is his owner playing fetch with THE FLAG?) is going to unleash Rand Paul on the “Washington Machine.” While having a beer. We’re pretty sure Rand’s campaign team was intoxicated on something other than beer when they Photoshopped this masterpiece.
7 – Ben Carson Travel Mug
Quench your thirst and stand with Ben by taking your beverage of choice on the go in this handy travel mug. Don’t leave home without it!
While this technically isn’t drinking gear, bear with us: Ben has invited us to quench our thirst with a beverage of our choice on the go. Well Dr. Freedom, that beverage of choice ain’t coffee. Also, we thought you were a doctor? That logo looks like it belongs to a 3rd rate insurance company that makes you jump through hoops to get reimbursed on your kid’s annual pediatric checkup. Also, American Express would like their slogan back.
6 – Cruz 2016 Stemless Wine Glass
Donate $20 to Cruz for President and get your Cruz 2016 Stemless Wine Glass.
For $20 you can get one stemless wine glass that sports Ted’s campaign logo. You heard that right. One. Not a set. Just one. We guess he lost the other one while he was sneaking over the Canadian border.
5 – I’m Totes Votin’ for Bernie Tote Bag
Tell the world that you’re “totes” voting for Bernie with this official campaign tote bag.
Tip to every organic, biodynamic winemaker out there: Sell your wine in these bags at a farmer’s market. They’ll fly. Literally anything. Take those three-year-old bottles of oxidized Chardonnay you we’re planning to dump and “upcycle” them in style.
4 – Buy Marco A Plane Ticket
Also includes “A postcard from Marco’s travel, signed by Marco & the team.”
$500 for a Southwest plane ticket? OK Marco. We believe you. You’re not actually broke. You’re just going to be buying a lot of $5 mixed drinks while you scribble out postcards to random American citizens. We hear the Gin & Tonic (water) is good.
3 – Jeb Koozie
Show you’re on Team Jeb at your next party or tailgate.
Unlike Chillary [sic], Jeb knows exactly what you’re doing with his koozie: “show[ing] you’re on Team Jeb at your next party or tailgate.” Be careful though. If you enjoy a few too many Jeb Koozie-cradled beers — showing off for Team Jeb — you might wake up wearing a white “vintage” tank sporting an image of 1970s “sideburn-mustache combo” Jeb with a $75 Guaca Bowle (sans Guacamole) in your kitchen.
2 – Chillary Clinton Koozie Combo
Be the coolest person at the party (with the coolest soda).
Be the coolest person at the party with the coolest soda? Team Chillary expects us to believe that people use koozies for soda? Better call in the Benghazi Panel to get to the bottom of this.
1 – Trump 2016 16oz. Cup (Pack of 3)
Show your support while you sip your favorite beverage out of our campaign party cups.
Donald Trump is going to sell you 3 red Solo party cups. With his campaign logo on them. And you know what, that’s kind of genius. Donald Trump may be a crass ass, but he’s the only crass ass with the balls to sell red Solo party cups. Which you will buy.
