Rolls Royce Cocktail Kit

Add to the list of things you most definitely don’t need—or the list of things you’ll probably be buying after you win the PowerBall on Wednesday—a cocktail kit that costs 26,000 pounds (or around $40,000).

Yes, for the price of a mid-size car or a year in college (well, at least most of one, depending on where you’re going) you too can have the Rolls Royce of cocktail kits. Literally. It’s the Rolls Royce limited edition “Cocktail Hamper.”

Designed by Rolls Royce Accessories Designer Sina Maria Eggl, the hamper is made of American Walnut and lined with the same leather that lines the Rolls Royce itself. Still not sure where we get to the $40,000 price tag—repeat use of the term “meticulous craftsmanship” only gets you up to, like, 5K in our book—but let’s consult the press release.

Well, first, there’s completeness—useful in any cocktail kit. According to the company, who consulted with the Dorchester Collection’s London Hotels, you should have everything you need in there to make a variety of classic and modern cocktails. And then there’s the fact that each implement is (buzzword warning) a “bespoke, hand-crafted” creation (what the tools are made of is unclear, but we’re assuming silver recovered from the Titanic wreck).

Storage is, well, snug, per this slightly elaborate quote: “The paring knife, for example, is magnetically housed in a recess hewn into the American Walnut [there it is again] structure thereby ensuring it is stored and transported in safety and without disturbance.” Meaning your tiny expensive knife will stay in place, ‘cause of magnets.

Some source materials are mentioned. We should say reverently noted, as in the Theresienthal glassware (“Europe’s most revered glassmaker and supplier of many of the Continent’s Royal Courts”). And that might justify some of the cost, seeing as how a stein from Theresienthal costs 179 Euros.

As you read along, you kind of realize the value seems to have less to do with what’s going on than how preciously it can be described—“Should the user wish to present their guests with canapés, two dishes find their place in the lower portion of the Hamper, either side of an ice bucket, whilst discreet drawers hold recipe cards and fine cotton napkins.” Basically, we have two plates, and some drawers to hide your shame in not knowing recipes, plus napkins, ‘cause stuff spills.

Beyond craftsmanship—which, no doubt, is very much there—the main reason the kit costs $40,000 is rarity. Sure, Pappy Van Winkle maintains some of its high pricing (but really, quality) by producing only 8,000 or so cases a year. But Rolls Royce only made 15 of these kits. For the entire world. (And yes, there are probably more than 15 people out there looking to buy an incredibly overpriced cocktail kit.)

For the kind of money you’re spending the kit really should include a bit more in the way of pertinent conveniences. We’d recommend the following copy: “Should the user become entirely sh*tfaced, there’s an ultra-discreet side compartment containing a convenient location for any unwanted regurgitations. And should the user wake up next to the Cocktail Hamper painfully hungover, there’s a small, platinum-coated button on the side of the Hamper that dispenses two Aleve, calls out of work for the user, and automatically orders a large pizza and Coke from the nearest pizza delivery place, whilst the user sleeps away the pain.”

Seriously, if someone built a complete cocktail kit that just included a magnet with nearby pizza delivery numbers and a two-pack of Advil, we’d pay maybe….$100?

Good news, though. If you’re looking to buy this kit, looks like someone’s selling one on ebay already for a mere $33,811.98 (plus, which at this point who cares, $70 shipping). Meanwhile, if you need something complete, but cheaper, try this.