Flashback — you’re in high school. It’s just after dinner and the conversation is still moving. The moment is right, the stars all aligned. You decide to drop a bomb that has been plaguing your brain for the past 37 hours. You decide to break the flow of this moment and bless your dear mother with some honesty. After imagining this conversation seven times in your head, you can’t help but jump off the ledge your anxiety is placing you on.
“Hey mom, can I get a tattoo?”
Your mother’s eyes flare open. A slight head tilt says everything without using a single word. Still, staring you down and amplifying your feeling of stupidity (what did you honestly expect?) she reaches for the bottle of wine and slowly pours another glass. At this moment, you wish you were the vino escaping the metaphorical bottle of your house. As if the pour wasn’t sassy enough, the face you get when she *sips wine* is deadly — like a grape induced Medusa that leaves you petrified in disappointment.
Mother always knows best. She knows when tattoos were not meant to be, how much money you don’t need to “borrow,” and what friends of yours she actually doesn’t mind. Through all of this, she knows when it’s right to uncork some wine. Specifically, when all of your shit has hit the fan throughout the years.
This one goes out to the mothers who have heard it all.
“Can I borrow a slightly large sum of money?”
What Mom is thinking: Cut the shit. You’re never going to pay back the money you need for some music festival in the middle of a desert. Do you know how much you’re paying to get sunburned and stuck next to a bunch of sweaty people? No.
“My friend that you can’t stand is coming for dinner.”
What Mom is thinking: I not only have to cook for this entire family, but now I need to provide for freeloader Kimmy? Why don’t you eat dinner at Kimmy’s for a change? I’m sure her mother would absolutely love the company.
“I got a tattoo.”
What Mom is thinking: Better start a savings account for you to get that nonsense lasered off in ten years. ‘I refuse to sink’ wrapped around an anchor? Seriously? You do know anchors were designed to sink, right?
“I’m going to be a poetry major in college.”
What Mom is thinking: Yes, of course I want you to follow your dreams, honey. But, poetry. Seriously? Can’t you just join a club or something and study literally anything that will get you a job. Something is going to have to pay your cell phone bill and a haiku isn’t going to do it.
“Did you change the Netflix password?”
What Mom is thinking: I don’t know, have you gotten a job yet?? Ask your father how the password got changed because there’s no way I know how to change it. Plus, you keep messing up my recommendations.
“They are totally the one.”
What Mom is thinking: This person with no aspirations and no job is somehow “the one?” They are not bona fide. I hope this is all a joke and we wake up the next morning laughing about how it was right for you to dump this loser.
“They totally just dumped me.”
What Mom is thinking: I told you they were a loser. Love hurts — especially when it wasn’t you who cut the cord. This is a blessing in disguise. Here, have some wine.
“So…I got a speeding ticket today.”
What Mom is thinking: Who taught you to drive like that? It sure as hell wasn’t me! Maybe if you stopped treating your commute like the Indy 500 this wouldn’t be a problem. I’m not dealing with this, ask your father.
“We’re all coming back to our house after Prom.”
What Mom is thinking: A group of 25 is coming back to this house in the wee hours of the morning? Great. Just great. Now I have to clean the house, stock a bunch of food, and I won’t get any sleep tonight. I’m going to need more wine.
“You just don’t get it!”
What Mom is thinking: Oh please. Been there, done that, got the t-shirt. I have experienced enough to understand whatever it is you’re going through. Just because I’m aged like a fine wine doesn’t mean I’m clueless. *Sips wine*
“I’m moving to [major city I obviously cannot afford].”
What Mom is thinking: If you think that you can hinder your father’s and my plans to finally invest in a lake house you’ve got another thing coming. What about your food expenses? How are you going to get around? How many roommates will you have? Please stop kidding yourself and be a little realistic for once.
“I found this dog in the grocery store parking lot and he’s soooo cute. Can we keep him?”
What Mom is thinking: When you can manage to feed and clothe yourself, you can attempt taking care of a pet. End of story.
“I failed my classes…again.”
What Mom is thinking: Good. I’m glad to hear that you’re spending your time away at school living it up instead of actually…I don’t know…studying? You don’t have a job. You’re not in an organization on campus. And no, going to bar trivia does not count as being “involved.”
“When is Mother’s Day?”
What Mom is thinking: This is not a thing you nonchalantly ask your mother. Do yourself a favor and Google something for once instead of calling me for every single question you have. You might as well just ask when my birthday is.
“You were right.”
What Mom is thinking: Damn straight. You’ve earned some wine.