It’s time for the fraternity lifestyle to undergo a cultural revolution. Not a revolution in something like the way new members are chosen. Definitely not a change in hazing pledges until they become actual members of society. No, it’s time for a revolution in shotgunning beer.
Not buying it? Bro, you clearly haven’t been enlightened by the Wolverine yet. It’s a three-clawed metal arm that will slash a hole in the bottom of your can, allowing you to shotgun a beer like a true alpha.
“WOLVERINE SHOTGUN LAUNCHES WORLD’S BEST SHOTGUNNING TOOL VIA KICKSTARTER CAMPAIGN THAT WAS PREPARED IN 2 HOURS,” a press release screams in all caps. How Total Frat Move hasn’t picked this up yet is beyond me. Whoever is managing Jimmy Tatro these days needs to step their game up. Seriously.
The Wolverine is bronze, fits in the average bro’s hand, has three claws, and can make your beer look like it was attacked by a miniature X Men action figure — which is clearly what it’s going for. Real wolverines have five claws, not three.
What fraternity house chapter room was this thing Shark Tanked into existence, you may be asking yourself. Who cares? It’s all about their tagline: “Liberate your alpha.” Problem though: Every self respecting bro knows the most alpha way to shotgun a beer is by punching a hole in the can with your canine tooth. Dad’s got the dental bill.
“But you can’t heat your canine tooth over the fire and give yourself a sick brand, dude.” True. But the Wolverine makes doing y bombs way more difficult.
Do some digging and you’ll find that it was started by two guys named Alex and Fraser along with a team of students and alumni from the University of British Columbia. That’s in Canada. You know what’s not frat? Canada. America first, guys. The address they list for the business is a warehouse that’s also listed as the address a furniture company called Article, a bedmaker called Bedface, and an athleisure company called Thuggies.
The Kickstarter goes live on February 22 and they hope to start shipping out by May, but this is not just some idea rushed to the cutting room floor. The Facebook page for Wolverine goes back to August 22, 2015. People will conveniently be in the Wolverine mindset in the next couple months, though, thanks to Marvel releasing the movie “Logan” about the backstory of the X-Men character Wolverine.
“Have you been sued by Marvel yet?” the press release FAQ prophetically asks. “We hope so, it means we are getting traction with WOLVERINE. WOLVERINE WOLVERINE WOLVERINE. SEO. WE KNOW INTERNET.”
Also caps lock. They clearly know caps lock. Make fun of it all you want, though. You might — deep, deep, DEEP in your heart — want one. I do.
