As any given weekend approaches, you might have certain party measures in place: definitely a designated driver, possibly a drinks limit, and, of course, a buddy to come find you if you’re declared officially dead and locked in a morgue.
What was that, now? If only this could not be true. But yes, it happened in Russia’s Far East in December 2015. As the story—true story, we should emphasize—goes, a man was partying with his friends in Russia, as one would do anywhere in the world. Apparently he partied so hard that he passed out and his friends called an ambulance. OK, so far, fairly normal, albeit a bit reckless.
The ambulance picks him up and (here’s where it gets weird) declares him dead. Legally dead. Dude’s so passed out, he can’t argue when they toe-tag him and take him to the morgue. Yes, friends, the morgue. And this, oddly, is where the guy gets a bit lucky…
“That night the local morgue was filled to its capacity, the bodies were not only on the shelves, but also on the floor of the freezer room, where our ‘dead’ hero was allocated,” policeman Aleksey Stoyev told Khasanskiye Vesti newspaper. Meaning he wasn’t locked into a freezer case—luck, right? Well, sort of.
Of all the things you can wake up to the day after a night of incredibly heavy drinking—hangover, angry partner, memory loss—a room full of frozen cadavers isn’t one of them. But Russian Drinking Lazarus (our name) woke up, “felt someone’s completely cold limbs,” says the cop, “and in fear rushed to the door. But it was locked.”
Ah, and here’s where the nightmare begins, when you’re waking up in what you’re not sure is another dimension, your first day in Hell, or the basement of that neighbor you just knew was watching you. Fortunately for the Russian Vodka Zombie (our name), there was a morgue guard on duty who heard…yes….banging on the morgue doors. Naturally he didn’t rush to open them, but alerted doctors, who, despite science, clearly believe in zombies, and called police. The police opened the doors and freed our frigid drunk friend.
Who, it should be noted, actually returned to the party—where they were, at this point, still partying, albeit solemnly, toasting the memory of their extremely recently departed friend. Apparently the person who opened the door for him actually fainted, and the Unstoppable Party Corpse (our name) re-entered the party and started partying again.
The most epic boot and rally of all time.
