As if flying couldn’t get any worse, a new report leaked from the FAA reveals the agency is working with the federal government in order to ban all alcohol sales on US carriers.

The US airline industry has been under increased scrutiny over the past year, thanks to such high-profile instances as passengers being pulled off planes unwillinglypets being forced to be stored in overhead compartments, and passengers refusing to stay seated while the fasten seat belt sign is illuminated. While many of these situations have not been caused by alcohol consumption, many at the FAA feel sobriety while flying will deter future incidents.

“It’s our goal to make flying more peaceful,” an anonymous FAA source who worked on the legislation said. “Many American airlines have been financially hurt by these recent incidents. The current administration’s goal is to put America first, and that means supporting these companies. Banning alcohol on flights will make airline employees safer, and we anticipate that in the most combative situations, because of this ban, cooler, more sober heads will prevail.”

The ban is legal because airlines actually have to get approval to serve alcohol from the federal government, applying for a license directly with the FAA. And while the ban won’t extend to alcohol inside the airport terminals, it does include a clause that allows gate agents to breathalyze passengers before boarding. They will be able to stop travelers who are over the legal limit from flying.

The only place where the ban will not apply is if alcohol was consumed before boarding in airline lounges and for first class and business class passengers while onboard. “When problems exist on airlines, 90% of the time they originate in coach class,” the same FAA source said, “there is rarely a problem up front. As the premiere high paying passengers, we’ve been lobbied by the airlines that first class passengers are not a group they wish to dissuade from flying, and we’ve acquiesced to those requests.”

For most of us, looks like we can now look forward to not only paying for checked bags, little to no overhead space, and a cramped seat that barely reclines. And, now, no drinks to numb the pain.

APRIL FOOLS. Do you think the FAA is really THAT crazy?!