You’ve met a very discerning man or a scintillating lady of taste. You’ve been on your very best behavior. You mentioned your stint in the Peace Corps twice and then once more because they were rustling their napkin the first time and chewing loudly the second. You dropped mention of all your charity works and in between describing all the joys you have brought to the less fortunate, you remembered to flash your abs, flex your arms, or push out your chest and bat your eyelids. The mating dance is officially complete, and it’s finally that time: the Sexy Time.
But all your grad school accomplishments and your fancy office and your good deeds won’t get your new amour in bed quite like a great bottle of wine will. Here’s how to use wine in the bedroom:
Step 1: Show the Bottle
To entice your potential partner, show him or her the wine bottle. Let him or her touch the wine bottle, enjoying the smooth surface, but just for a bit! Then take it back quickly and definitively. Next, carefully open the wine bottle so as not to break the cork. When it pops out, say, “Ooh!” and give your paramour a spicy look that can only mean one thing — that you have definitely opened a bottle of wine before. Then, lovingly grab two glasses and with a coy, uninterpretable look, say, “Shall we head into my hot kinky palace of sex?”
Step 2: Brag About the Wine
Once in the bedroom, it is essential that as you remove your clothing, you brag about the wine — the vineyard it came from, the year it was made, the quality of the grapes. Talking about your wine is a great way to not talk about what you’d really like to talk about — your body, their body, what you’re hoping will go down between bodies. Educate your new friend on everything and anything you know about wine. Words like “yeast” and “lactic fermentation” are sexy AF. Also say something sexy like, “Did you know that a vine must be cajoled by human hands, seduced if you will, into bearing fruit?” Smile lovingly at the bottle. Grip it hard when you say the word “hands.” Then pour the wine.
Step 3: Smell the Notes
This is when you get close. Lean in to your love interest and dip your nose deep into the glass. Take a deep sniff. This will convey that you have a very good sense of smell, which, as we know, is the most coveted of the senses in a potential partner. Say something about the bouquet — how it reminds you of sexy things like toothpaste, or oatmeal. Make them picture these sexy things while you sniff — it will rub off on how they see you. This also helps you pretend you are not naked. You are two civilized and private adults. End this step by opening your eyes really wide and smiling with both rows of teeth showing. This will convey that you have teeth and eyes, which, as we all know, are very sexy things to have.
Step 4: Drink and be Merry
This is the most important step. All the other steps are really leading up to this one step, the best step in learning how to use wine in the bedroom. For this final step, you will drink the wine, and then have sex.