As the election nears closer and closer, candidates will inevitably drop out. However, before they do, we wanted to think about a serious question: what would each of them drink? While we’re sure these hard-working Americans have little time for the fun and games of booze, there must be some downtime – even on the campaign bus/jet/blimp. This is what we imagine each of our presidential candidates drinking.
Hillary Clinton is known to love her beer, but she can’t possibly fit a growler in her pantsuit pocket. She has to be discreet, carrying her brews in a receptacle more traditionally used for hard liquor.
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This self-proclaimed socialist needs a rum with similar values. We’ve chosen Havana Club because it’s still (sort of) Cuban-owned, and thus not sold in the States. Fight the power with a daiquiri, Bernie.
We don’t know much about Lincoln Chafee, but hey, he’s from Rhode Island, and there’s at least one good thing from Rhode Island: Narragansett beer.
Marco Rubio may not be the best with his finances, but he does make excellent GIF material. See his not-so-discreet Poland Spring sipping here. It’s only natural he’d want another round of…water.
Mike Huckabee has been one of the most outspoken champions of the Duggars, supporting them through… well… you know. Therefore, we thought he might enjoy some holy water blessed by the Quiverfull family.
Carly Fiorina had an infamous tenure running HP, but we’re willing to forget that in favor of watching (and re-watching) her bizarre demonic sheep ad. To keep in line with whatever animal metaphor she was pushing, we’ve decided to give Carly F. a nice bottle of Black Sheep Ale. Yes, there is a double entendre there.
Ah, Rick Santorum. Are we all clear on what santorum is? Rick S. gets winery wastewater.
Wait, George Pataki is still around? Huh. Who would have thunk. That’s sort of the same feeling we get whenever we see Hpnotiq at a liquor store. We had no idea production of that stuff was still going on.
Poor Lindsey Graham, eternally single. Luckily, whisky is for the lonely. Drink up, Mr. Graham.
Remember that speech Ricky Perry gave back in 2012? He claimed to be, uh, wacked out on painkillers. So we fixed him a Painkiller cocktail – a classic tiki drink. Sometimes good things come out of mistakes, after all.
Just like Lincoln Chafee, we find Martin O’Malley kind of
boring mysterious. Luckily for him, he’s from Maryland, the home of one of our favorite beer bosses – Dogfish Head.
Ben Carson is a doctor – an occasionally angry doctor, it would seem, when it comes to gay rights. But Carson is past all of that – he “doesn’t want to talk about the gay issue.” In any event, we chose another mad doctor themed drink: The Flaming Doctor Pepper shot, which consists of no Dr. P. Instead, combine amaretto, hard liquor, and beer. Yum.
Rand Paul hates big government, so he probably prefers not to rely on the TTB (Alcohol and Tobacco Tax and Trade Bureau, i.e. the liquor fate-dealers) when it comes to drinking. We figured he probably has a spot in his garage, where he crafts his TOTALLY safe-for-regular-person-consumption moonshine.
What do Scott Walker and Coors have in common? A long history of hating on unions. Go ahead, drink the Coors, Scott. You two deserve each other.
Chris Christie is practically a bridge fanatic. He’s team bridge all the way – especially when it comes to New Jersey traffic toward the GW bridge on your morning commute. Christie wants that bridge to own you. Given his propensity toward bridge-hugging, we got him a bottle of Bridgeport Brewing Conviction Pale Ale.
Bobby Jindal has angered a lot of people by saying federal funding should be cut when it comes to monitoring volcanoes. But you know who he’s excited? The volcanoes themselves. Now they can safely explode with no government flack. Jindal can console himself by drinking a flaming volcano, a tiki drink meant to be shared with other people (we’re sure he can muster up a few).
Ted Cruz is Canadian. Enough said.
Jeb Bush – like George Bush and the Bush before that, but not quite as Bushy. He’s Bush Light, so he’ll be drinking Busch Light.
Carly Fiorina Image via Gage Skidmore / Flickr ; Flaming Volcano Cocktail image via Palm Beach Illustrated