Let’s just face it — it’s not the holiday season without family to drive you absolutely crazy. It’s the only time of the year when we have to put our Miss America smiles on as we welcome our crazy Aunt Sharon inside (even though internally we’re screaming at how petty her backhanded compliments are). Our eyes cannot roll back any further. Aunt Sharon’s sass aside, the holidays are about giving and embracing your loved ones near and dear. Forget whatever silly things your fam has on their Christmas list because based on how this gathering is going to go down, these gifts are what they really want under the tree this year.
Your Mother, The Hostess With The Mostest
It’s been a cool 364 days since your mom drunkenly agreed to host Christmas and judgement day has finally arrived. You walk downstairs the morning after your Christmas Eve rager (#sorrynotsorry) to find your house has been completely gutted and looks like a Pinterest bomb went off in your dining room. Candles are lit, the good china is set to perfection, and you find yourself asking, “When has mom ever used a table runner?” Sure, she may have spiked her coffee this morning because Aunt Sharon decided to show up early but that’s what Christmas is all about.
What she wants under the tree: A case of Cabernet, a family that will actually help her prep for the war that is about to commence, and maybe half a Xanax.
Your Father, The Grinch 2.0
While your mom is Martha Stewart-ing the shit out of the prime rib for dinner tonight, your dad is simply on the couch bitching and moaning to your brother about how worthless his art degree is and how he needs to find a real job. This trend will continue throughout the evening as he doesn’t have an ounce of Christmas spirit inside his body. If it were up to him, he would just take a week off from work and get as far away as he can from the extended family currently crashing at his house.
What he wants under the tree: A set of golf clubs, a bottle of bourbon, and a ticket to Cabo.
Your Grandma, The Real Housewife Of The North Pole
You know what Grandma is? Unimpressed. Perpetually unimpressed with this Christmas celebration because BACK IN HER DAY people went caroling and kids were beating each other up with snowballs instead of staring at screens all day long. She will constantly remind you how long it’s been since you last walked into a church, and that her homemade eggnog is way better than the pre-made one your dad bought at Costco.
What she wants under the tree: A fountain of Moscow Mules and for someone to finally show her how to use her iPod Nano.
Your Grandpa, The Nap Star
While Grandma is off critiquing the hell out of your Christmas tree decorating skills (a generous 4 out of 10), Grandpa is happily watching “The Christmas Story” on an endless loop. He is just along for the ride. In about 20 minutes and one and a half Scotches later, he will be down for the count and fast asleep.
What he wants under the tree: A bottle of Scotch you definitely cannot afford and a broken-in recliner.
Your Aunt Sharon, The Shadiest Santa You’ll Ever Meet
The minute Aunt Sharon walks in the door, you know shit is about to go down. She ALWAYS hosts Christmas and this year your mother stole her thunder. But don’t worry, she’s not bitter over it. She just whipped up her Brandy Alexander pie even though she knew your mother was making one, too. She also got you the cutest sweater in the wrong size because she “had no idea you gained so much weight since Thanksgiving.” No amount of Chardonnay can save you from her pettiness.
What she wants under the tree: The newest Barefoot Contessa cookbook, a handle of vodka for festive martinis, and a promise that she will host Christmas until the end of time.
Your Uncle Pat, The Drunkest Bitch On The Block
Under usual circumstances, your Uncle Pat is always the quiet one (when you’re married to Sharon who can blame him?) but this holiday he definitely sipped a little too much eggnog and is a hot mess. The man just spilled a full glass of Pinot on the table runner (R.I.P.) and keeps trying to give a Kanye speech about how “Die Hard” is the best Christmas movie of all time.
What he wants under the tree: A sippy cup full of Powerade and the “Die Hard” box set.
Your Cousins Jake and Alexandra, The Social Media Slores
Nothing like live-tweeting a family gathering, am I right? Your two cousins who are fresh out of college think so! They could not possibly care less about what’s going on in front of them because they most definitely have to maintain contact with their 150,000 followers at all times. You and your siblings should take this time to make a game out of it and drink every time they take a selfie for their Snapchat Story. Hope you brought enough booze.
What they want under the tree: A phone case with front flash and mimosas to post on Insta the next morning.
Your Sister Kelly, The Messed Up Mommy
Sure, your sister has always been the perfect daughter with a stellar job and an amazing husband. Then there’s the picture-perfect house. But all of that has suddenly been thrown out the window because her two kids are all hyped up on cookies wreaking havoc. Kelly’s usual facade has been shattered and the frizz in her hair says it all — mommy needs a glass of wine.
What she wants under the tree: A bottle of Pinot Grigio, a crazy straw to drink with, and a babysitter.
Your Brother Chris, The Easy Target
Your brother Chris made a huge mistake. He decided to get into a political debate with everyone at Thanksgiving and he is now the butt of everyone’s petty comments and political jokes. As if that weren’t enough, his photography degree isn’t really doing him any favors (other than drowning him in debt). Your fam can’t get enough of berating him, and the only thing you can do is sit and watch. Nothing brings a family together like calling one of their own a communist.
What he wants under the tree: Noise-canceling headphones, a six pack of Christmas Ale, and to eventually be written back into everyone’s wills.
Your Neighbors, The Poor Unfortunate Souls
Your family friends who moved here from out of state are having a small Christmas celebration this year, and your mom thought it would be nice to invite them over for drinks and dessert. Great plan, except for the fact that everyone in your family is actually insane and at the ready to start a festive fistfight. Now they’re remembering why they moved across the country away from their own crazy families.
What they want under the tree: A clean escape route from the family drama and a slice of pie for the road.
Your Dog Max, The One Who’s 50 Shades Of Done With This Shit
If anyone has truly gotten shafted this year it’s your dog Max. Not only is there no room for him to lie on the couch and watch TV because of all these extra people in the house, but none of your relatives are sharing food the way you usually do when you come home. Between your sister’s kids pulling at his ears and your cousins kidnapping him to take selfies with the dog filter on, Max just wants everyone to get out of his damn house so he can go back to his regular doggy life.
What he wants under the tree: A slice of prime rib with red wine reduction and his own king-sized memory foam bed.