Back to school season is upon us and with it comes a lot of stress. Last week we broke down for parents just how much wine they’d most likely need to consume this year for every possible back to school situation, but now it’s time to pour some out for the people who are the saints of the school year, that’s right, the teachers. These people deal with your kids all year long, in fact, we might go as far as to say that teachers have it just as bad if not worse than the parents. So put the apples aside, make some room in the mini fridge under the desk, and get ready to take notes. Here is our guide for the amount of wine you need to survive every back to school situation. We can’t thank you enough for committing your life to educating children.
The First Day of School – Riesling
Look at all the new students and how cute they look in the outfits they definitely didn’t pick out for themselves. They’re sweet, shy, and ready to learn — hopefully. Sip a Riesling as sweet as the apple someone just gave you. Because students still give apples to teachers.
“Why is Swimmy floating?” – Zinfandel
Stop what you’re doing, play Cher’s “If I Could Turn Back Time,” and remember to never get a classroom pet again. These children don’t need responsibility. These children need to learn how to cover their mouth when they cough and how to do mental math. Let their fifth grade teacher handle the pet drama while you pour out a nice glass of Zinfandel for Swimmy.
Don't Miss A DropGet the latest in beer, wine, and cocktail culture sent straight to your inbox.
Drowning In Lesson Plans – Pinot Grigio
How the hell are you expected to plan three weeks of learning when you can’t even plan what you’re eating for dinner tonight? This calls for a perfectly chilled Pinot Grigio, your favorite blanket, and a clean Pinterest board for some quality brainstorming. Just don’t get lost pinning more of those Crock-Pot recipes.
The Open-House Pre Game – Chardonnay
The parents are coming. Time to make sure all of the books are in order and that you have something to wear since you haven’t done a wash in weeks. Chardonnay will allow you to channel your inner parent and get you through this rough time. Remember to always say, “Yes, I know the name of your child and where they sit in my class,” along with “No, let’s not talk about their grade tonight.”
The Three Day Weekend – Prosecco
Why isn’t every weekend a three-day weekend? Now instead of two days full of grading papers and planning for the week ahead, you have THREE days to grade papers and plan for the week ahead. Definitely take a break on Sunday to pop open some Prosecco for the perfect boozy brunch and pray that the children will be ready to learn when Tuesday rolls around.
The Post-Three Day Weekend – Malbec
Now we know why every weekend isn’t a three-day weekend. Seriously, how do these kids magically forget everything after an extra day off. Before you start rewriting your whole lesson plan, pull out a Malbec from your wine rack and remember that you love your job and that this is just a bump in the road.
Is That Gum On The Desk? – Merlot
Why do people still do this? The students know they aren’t supposed to have gum, but even if they were going to chew it, why not just throw it away in the trash can three feet away from them. Merlot is the wine to get you through scraping the gum off the bottoms of these desks. Better yet, make the perpetrators do it themselves after they get served with a detention.
Detention For Two – Sauvignon Blanc
In the game of detention, nobody wins. This was their time to run around and spend all of that energy at recess, and this was your time to breathe, go to the bathroom, and gossip with the other teachers. Let the crisp Sauvignon Blanc boost your mood and get you through the next thirty minutes.
Parent Teacher Conference – Syrah
Obviously nobody wants to spend their evening informing a parent that their child is dropping F-Bombs in class. Sure, their child would never do such a thing, and of course they probably heard the word from their father. Let’s just open a Syrah, compliment each other’s sweaters, and make sure this doesn’t happen again.
Professional Development Training – Rioja
A lecture to inform teachers they shouldn’t lecture their students? I see no flaws in this plan. Thankfully, you managed to find a substitute in time for you to sit in a room and do awkward team bonding. During the lunch break, get together with your fellow educators and take a trip to Spain with a nice Rioja.
Bad Note From The Substitute – Cabernet Sauvignon
Those students had one job. You left them Bill Nye. You told them all they had to do was follow along and answer questions on a worksheet. YOU EVEN INFORMED THEM IT WAS A COMPLETION GRADE. They had to go and throw things across the room and spend all of class taking Instagram selfies. Move over coffee, this is a job for Cabernet Sauvignon. Hell hath no fury for the day to come.
“I Can See You Texting” – Pinot Noir
Smartphones killed the classroom star. No, Julie doesn’t need to text the “dream boat” she met in Biology because they’re both 13 and should be paying attention so they can go to college and have a career. Embrace the romance and sip on some Pinot Noir as you bring her iPhone (why does she have an iPhone anyway?) to the principal’s office. And no, her older sister can’t come pick it up so her parents don’t find out.
The Field Trip – Rosé
A blessing and a curse with a gift shop hat on top. Great for getting kids excited about leaving the classroom. Horrible for letting the rowdy students dare each other to jump in the lion exhibit at the zoo. Gather the other teachers and pour out some rosé before the kids get on the bus. If anyone asks, it’s that passion tea from Starbucks.
The End of the Year Party – Sangria
Just two more hours and this ship has sailed. Now that the final grades are in and the students are on a brownie-bite sugar high, it’s time for you and the other teachers on your hall to let loose. Set up your big kid punch in the workroom and celebrate being another year closer to tenure. You earned it.