The NFL playoffs are such a wonderful time of the year. So much hope, so much possibility — it’s a new season for every team. But let’s be clear, most of your teams aren’t making it to the Super Bowl. Instead, they’ll wind up disappointing you like they do every season, leaving you searching for meaning in a meaningless world. To help you get through the misery, here are our choices of wine for every team you may choose to root for. And remember, you brought this on yourself by choosing to be a fan in the first place.
- Seattle Seahawks – This team is gonna get cocky and blow it. Just watch. Picked all year to be in the Super Bowl, we have a feeling this team doesn’t make it. Pete Caroll is somehow going to make a moronic call, and that will be it folks, they’ll be watching Cam and crew in the Super Bowl. We really want to like Seattle, we really do, but Pete Caroll just makes it so hard… Sure lots of people love it, but many others find it hard to love due to how sweet it can be. And what do you know, Washington State is known for its Riesling. We think we’ve found our pairing.
- Carolina Panthers – Did you know that your quarterback has his own line of apparel at Belk department stores? Seems pretty logical to assume his next step would be his own wine, right? The guy already drinks Cammy Cam juice on the sidelines during games, it’s only natural that he’d move into making his own wine. Cam can do it all; he can run, pass, and by golly he can even make wine! Drink up Panther’s fans.
- Philadelphia Eagles – We’re talking about crazy people who just want to get drunk. These are people who take pride in putting a cheese ‘product’ on their steak sandwiches. Why are we even trying? How about this. Robert De Niro portraying a psychopathic Eagles fan in Silver Linings Playbook actually, kind of made us forget what psychopaths these people are (the man can act!). So we’ll turn the recommendation over to the man himself.
- Green Bay Packers – Unbelievable! Your starting quarterback is out for a good part of the season, comes back for the final game, and somehow you slip into the playoffs. We get it, you love the Packers, and most of you are “team owners.” Congratulations, but please stop showing us your ownership shares. Enjoy that lactic acid you cheeseheads.
- San Francisco 49ers – This team returns to the playoffs after dropping a reliable quarterback midseason to embrace the trendiness of a mobile one. For this, no other wine would be quite as perfect for this team and its fanbase than a trendy California Pinot. Drink up you trendsetters!
- New Orleans Saints – Your coach returns from suspension and suddenly a team that looked awful last year makes the playoffs. Somebody has “daddy” issues. And wouldn’t you know it, that wine comes from the region of the world that happened to settle your beloved city. Makes a lot of sense.
- Denver Broncos – This is your AFC Super Bowl team. Actually, scratch that, Peyton will probably still somehow choke in the AFC Championship Game and miraculously, pretty boy Brady will wind up in the Super Bowl. At least we’ll get a few games to stare at that confused Manning face before the team drops out, only to be favored to win the Super Bowl again next year! To get us through these two games of Manning face we’re going with Zinfandel. Gotta have a wine that’s high in alcohol to get you through watching a team that should win piss it all away! Here’s some extra advice for the AFC Championship Game, Denver Fans: The high altitude pairs well with the high alcohol…assuming you can stumble clear of the parking lot.
- New England Patriots – Another year, another playoff berth for the Patriots. Even when you think they don’t have a great team this season, the rest of their division always seems to be terrible enough to let the Patriots walk right back into the playoffs. With an owner that has a taste for bright pink ties, and a pretty boy quarterback whose hairstyle seems to change more often than his wife’s, there could be no more perfect wine for this team than Brangelina’s rosé.
- Cincinnati Bengals – A lot of Cincy fans feel they were swindled into that bright, shiny new stadium the team has been playing in all season long. Owners love to cry and complain and threaten to leave a city until somehow, beyond rational thought, they are able to sucker taxpayers into paying for a new stadium that said taxpayers never see any real benefit from. We can therefore think of no wine more fitting for this team than one made by the ultimate swindler himself, convicted wine fraudster Rudy Kurniawan.
- Indianapolis Colts – We actually had to remind ourselves that this team was actually still in the NFL. Seriously, has there been anything less memorable than the Colts this season? We know people keep trying to say they are fun to watch, but let’s be real, that’s just announcers trying to somehow convince us and themselves that we should watch the Colts game instead of switching over to Iron Chef. With that in mind, we’re not even going to bother choosing a wine pairing for this forgettable team. Seagram’s Wine Coolers anyone?
- Kansas City Chiefs – Speaking of the old reliable quarterback dropped by San Francisco, it’s that same quarterback that has taken last year’s worst NFL team to the playoffs. We can never seem to remember whether Kansas City is actually located in Missouri or Kansas (ok, we know it’s in Missouri), but we do know their fanbase makes great BBQ, so we’re pairing this team and their fanbase with Carmenere from Chile. It’s a great BBQ wine and we think by the end of these playoffs, this team will still be better known for its city’s award-winning BBQ than for playoff success.
- San Diego Chargers – Congratulations Chargers, you squeaked into the playoffs by beating what was basically a second string Kansas City squad. Seriously, how do you expect to make it past next week with that type of performance? We know most of your fans were probably on their way to Tijuana looking for some tequila to drown their sorrows halfway through that miserable game. And let’s be honest, almost every year you consider hightailing out of your city as well, heading north to the bright lights of LA. With a performance like that, you don’t even deserve to be paired with wine, but we’ll be generous and give you a bottle of Champagne. You should toast your most recent performance, because you won’t make it past the first round.
Drink up, losers!
We were told it’s a good idea to note this, if it were not already apparent: THIS SITE IS NOT IN ANY WAY AFFILIATED WITH THE NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE OR ANY NFL TEAMS.