When we graduate from high school and then higher education, we’re fooled into believing that we’re done with the various types of homework that plagued our existence and ruined our social lives. We are innocently under the impression that we have left behind all forms of assignments that could bury us in endless hours of mind-numbing work. But alas, the freedoms of adulthood wax and wane, especially for those of us who have kids. For those kids eventually start school, and suddenly, without warning, we’re back in the thick of the nightly homework slog.
Like a deer caught in the brightest of headlights, the dawning realization hits us all at once that every night without fail we will be bound to our children and their staunch refusal to do their homework. Best case scenario: Our frustrated children come home from school frantic because they don’t remember how to do the assignment and it’s due tomorrow. We, of course, are then called upon to assist.
Foolishly, we think we’re prepared. How hard can it be? We’ve done all of this before. Then we take a good, long look at what’s been assigned and find ourselves thoroughly confounded, looking around for an adult to help. That’s when the second realization hits like a ton of bricks: We are the adults. We must summon the strength and muddle through.
But wait a minute — if we are the adults, that means we get to enjoy some adult drinks! For with great responsibility comes great power — specifically, the power to drink alcohol, my friends. I can’t tell you how much easier it is to wade through the sea of equations and reading passages with a spirited beverage. Here are some essential accompaniments to the subjects that will surely be assigned to your children as you relive your school days:
Math: Red wine
Studies have shown that a glass of red wine can lower your blood pressure. This is immensely helpful because my BP rises to dangerously high levels every time I’m forced to assist my child with my arch nemesis: all forms of mathematical computation. These days, schools have decided to teach basic math in new and confusing ways in an effort to ensure that our kids are learning a skill and not just memorizing. It’s great for them, I guess, but unfortunately, this means I also have to relearn these fundamentals before I can verify that my kid’s homework answers are, in fact, correct. Red wine aides in the process as it balances me out while my mind is a blur of random numbers.
Reading: A shot of whiskey
Hearing your child read for the first time is a transformative experience that you will never forget. But getting to that point is a test of your patience and willpower. The tears, the frustration, the rage from sounding out each and every syllable are not the magical part — and that’s just from you! Yes, you need something strong that will prepare you for the road that lies ahead; it is littered, my friends, with variations of “Brown Bear, Brown Bear” until you loathe the sound of all words.
History: Irish coffee
I strongly recommend a beverage that is both alcoholic and caffeinated for history because this subject has incredible sleep-inducing powers. In order to stimulate your own brain power and keep your child’s mind from wandering to that of video games and other thoughts that have nothing to do with our nation’s history, you need the strength that only coffee and an adult beverage can provide you with.
Geography: Depends on the region that we’re studying
I like to mix it up and pair drinks that are native to the locale that we’re currently learning about because it enhances my experience. For instance, when I’m suffering through memorizing all of South America, I prefer to mix up a caipirinha, Brazil’s national beverage. It’s exotic, refreshing and exactly what you need to maintain your sanity while traversing the proverbial globe with your kid. Further proof that you are, in fact, excelling at this parenting assignment you’ve been given.
Science: A mixed concoction of your choosing
I prefer margaritas because they trick me into believing I’m having fun when in actuality I’m contemplating curling up into the fetal position and crying out in defeat as we tackle complex observations about the weather system. And as an added bonus, mixing beverages to create a new and even more tasty beverage is like a mini-lesson in chemistry, so you’re actually providing your kid with extra credit — #parentingwin!